Week 10 - November 13, 2011

As we march deeper into November, the Playoffs loom larger and larger and the pressure ratchets up.  So in order to help ease the pressure, your intrepid reporter would like to offer up a little joke:

A Leprechaun is walking past a construction site when he’s approached by the big burly foreman.  The foreman says, ‘Hey Leprechaun, you grant wishes don’t you?’  To which the Leprechaun replies, ‘Faith and Begorrah, what kind of wee folk would I be if I didn’t grant a wish?’   So the foreman says…

< Alert >

We interrupt this Newsletter to bring you an Emergency Alert message from the Commish.

                ‘This is not a test; this is an actual Fantasy Emergency.  Last week’s games were a pathetic attempt at Fantasy competition.  With only four weeks left in the season everyone is still in contention for the Playoffs.  However, it appears some teams have already started their off-season.  There needs to be some serious Fantasizing going on this week and not that weak ass scoring that went on last week.  This League was designed to be Offensive.  There’s no fun in some low scoring defensive battle.  If there isn’t more Offensive-ness this week I’ll be forced to step in and take matters into my own hands.  If I have to pull over and stop this League, I will, and you’ll be sorry.’

We now return to your regularly scheduled Newsletter.

…and the last we see of the Leprechaun he’s walking off with a goat as he looks back at a midget in a hard hat.  You get it?  I love that joke.  And now on to this week’s action. 

Our first match-up this week features two teams mired in mediocrity with the Savants squaring off against the Engineers.  The coach of the Savants, Justin, was found at his team training complex.  ‘Even with the daily triathlon and weight training, try as I might I still can’t manage to get my body fat out of the ‘super-naturally fit’ category and into ‘God-like’.  Recently, I’ve been turned on to a new work-out craze, fart-licks.  I know, I was a bit skeptical at first, but I’ve been told it works wonders.  I’ve been using this method during my work outs this past week and I must admit it has left a bad taste in my mouth.  I’m not quite sure what those Swedes were thinking when they came up with this.  What was that?  It isn’t fart-licks.  It’s Fartlek.  Oh jeez, somebody get me some mouthwash.’

Meanwhile over at the Engineer’s Advanced Research Facility, the Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, is hard at work on his next project.  ‘Toiling away in the lab every week coming up with the latest in cutting edge technology is hard work.  So every once in a while I like to get away from it all and recharge my batteries, so to speak.  In fact I spent the past week deep in the Brazilian jungle with my good pal Sparky looking for the ever elusive Big-boobied, bare-breasted tittysapien, a very rare species.  Anything for the advancement of science, you know.  Due to the remoteness of the search, I was unable to hook up to a power grid.  As a consequence, I was without the trappings of modern civilization, mainly a wireless connection and cold beer.  This would explain my sitting a QB in the midst of one of the greatest seasons of all time and starting a crippled WR.  To insure this never happens again, I’ve been working on an environmentally friendly, renewable, highly portable energy supply.  With my new ‘cavia porcellus’ generator, I’ll never have to drink a warm beer again.’   

Our next match-up features some hot girl-on-girl action as the Glee-ful Ninjas look to lick the Little Rascals.  The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found patrolling the streets of Rockport.  ‘Being a public servant is a thankless task, why just the other day I pulled some joker over and he said ‘since he was a taxpayer that I actually work for him, so I should go get him a glass of water.’  Can you believe the nerve?  One blow to his kidneys with my tactical assault flashlight wiped the smile right off his face though.  Even with the thanklessness there are some perks that come with the job.  For instance, Wednesday is ‘Taze a Transient Day’, it’s just one way we keep Rockport a peaceful little burg.  You don’t want those lazy bums to get too comfortable around town.  A couple of zaps gets them moving right on through town to Reo.’

Meanwhile the Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found making her way to a Bob Seger concert.  ‘I hope You’ll Accomp’ny Me down to Mainstreet and the Ford Center.  I don’t know why anyone would build an Arena downtown.  It feels like I’ve had to walk from Katmandu, Against the Wind, the whole way.  Maybe if I had something with a Fire Inside or The Fire Down Below I wouldn’t freeze to death, oh well, C’est La Vie. We’ll probably fall victim to some Shakedown by a mugger’s Night Moves and you’ll have to Roll Me Away to the nearest hospital anyway.  If only I had something for protection Like a Rock then I’d be Satified I would live to see Tomorrow.  It’s my Understanding that In Your Time this was popular music, but it seems like Old Time Rock and Roll to me.  I’d just like to forget this whole night but Chances Are I’ll still remember this Tomorrow because Rock and Roll Never Forgets.’

The Darkness who looks to have gotten things turned around goes up against DaBears!  The owner of DaBears!, Rick, was found hiding under his desk.  ‘I must say that bringing back the most fearsome coach to ever prowl the sidelines sounded like a good idea at the time.  And while I’m not complaining about the three game winning streak or the #1 ranking in the Power poll I’m not quite sure I’m ready to buy into Mad Dog’s brand of football.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about his hard-nosed style of play.  I’m talking about the fact that he’s running around the compound with a freeking branding iron putting his mark on everybody.’

Meanwhile, the owner of the Darkness, Kristy, was found at a fundraiser for her favorite charity.  ‘As an animal lover I like to do what I can to help with the cat overpopulation problem.   While there are programs like the Neuter Scooter which strive to control the stray cat problem through spay and neutering, we find the image of a knife wielding motorcycle gang a bit disturbing when thinking about the fate of those cute little furballs.  So here at the SPCA, Suckers for Pussy Cat Adorations, we use a different approach to the stray cat problem.  We’ve found that education and access to inexpensive means of birth control will lead to the stray cats making informed decisions concerning their reproductive habits and release them back into the wild.  Oh, who am I kidding?  How can you let something as cute as Miss Pickles live outside?  She’s so FLUFFY!’

The BALLAZ try to reverse their slide into oblivion when they meet the Mighty Pansies.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where the headline act is Zamfir.  ‘This season has certainly taking a turn for the worse.  I mean how can you lose to a team that has ‘Dismal’ in their freeking name?  It has gotten so bad that I can’t even get any decent acts to come perform at my club.  I’ve had to settle for some freak with a pan flute.  And even then I had to agree to buy 100 copies of his album.  And what the Hell is pan flute anyway?  It doesn’t look anything like a pan for crissakes.  Jeez, I need a drink.’

Meanwhile the owner of the Pansies was trying to figure out his next move after his disappointing showing in the recent Mayoral election.  ‘Looking back, I guess pinning one’s hopes on a write-in campaign in a city with a failing school system it might have been just a bit too optimistic to think that the electorate could actually spell.  It may all be for the best anyway.  I’ve decided to set my sights on an even higher office.  No, not Pope.  Although the thought of having unlimited access to all those ‘Pope Bucks’ is quite appealing, I was thinking of the office of President.  I mean have you seen the clowns that are running?  It seems all you have to do is come up with the most outlandish idea you can think of and you shoot to the top of the polls.  And while I’ve been known to come up with a few wild ideas in my time I may have to work to compete.  I mean, one candidate swears all she has to do is wave her magic wand or some such thing and we’ll have two dollar gas again. Hell, one guy has even made sexual harassment into an effective fund raising scheme.  If going around groping co-workers is all that it takes I think I’ll start ‘campaigning’ next week.’          

 

  

Week 9 - November 6, 2011

It is hard to believe that October has come and gone and November is already upon us.  And as week 9 approaches that can mean only one thing.  The pre-Holiday Black Friday Sneak Preview Midnight Madness One Day Sales start this weekend.  So hurry, these deals will only last for the next three weeks.   Of course November also means everyone’s favorite day is near, that one day that represents all the avarice, gluttony and debauchery that America is famous for.  That’s right; Election Day is just around the corner.  And in that spirit our intrepid reporter was found at his favorite pole-ing station preparing his latest report so please forgive any typos as the dim lighting, glitter and shimmying make it hard to concentrate.

The week kicks-off with the Far East Engineers look to get back on track against the Little Rascals.  The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at his top secret Medical Research facility.  ‘These past few weeks I’ve found it harder to forecast the performance of my players.  My perception of the Fantasy future is blurred and out of focus.  As a consequence, I’ve loaded up my team with underperforming hacks instead of stud Fantasy performers.  To remedy this I’ve decided to undergo a surgical procedure that will restore my Fantasy vision to 20/20.  This is procedure that was pioneered here at my Medical Research facility utilizes a laser to reconfigure the Fantasy centers of the brain allowing it to pinpoint future Fantasy top performers.  After I’ve undergone the Abell’s Subcranial in Situ Laser Inducing Competitive Kinesiology, ASSLICK, procedure my team will be back in the hunt for a Championship.’

Meanwhile, at the Rascal’s team compound head coach, Ashley, was found celebrating her continued ‘owning’ of the Savants.  ‘I’ve heard some people are questioning the legitimacy of my recent victory.  Now some may find it suspicious that the Savants chose to start two players with big ‘O’s after their names, especially following the infamous ‘Little Wiggler’ incident from last year.  However, I want to state for the record that at no time have I ever had to resort to threats of bodily harm to beat the puny Savants.  Also, I unequivocally deny any knowledge of the alleged ‘spray booth tazing’ incident that is rumored to have occurred last Friday involving the coach of the Savants and an unknown assailant.  In fact I’m pretty sure I was in the middle of my Restorative Relaxation class whenever this alleged event happened.’

In the Hellenic Game of the Week, the slumping Sunday Savants look to be in line for another ass-whooping as they face their Fantasy Achilles’ Heel, a female owner, when they face the Glee-ful Ninjas.  The Savants owner, Justin, was found recovering from taser burns at his team compound.  ‘Now some may be questioning my manhood after losing yet again to a lady.  However, while Fantasy sports were once a bastion of testosterone and male domination that has changed in the last few years.  No longer should women be mocked and ridiculed when they take part in Fantasy sports.  They are just as capable as men when it comes to the ability to discern Fantasy performance.  Of course, I’ve found as the line has blurred in Fantasy sports it has also blurred in other activities that were once deemed to be a ‘woman’s activity’.  This has opened up the possibility for me to finally be able to pursue a life-long dream of mine and join the Sunflower Girls.’

Meanwhile, the owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found preparing for her latest feat of athletic prowess.  ‘After conquering the ‘5K from Hell’ zoo run and a puny half-marathon, the only thing left was to try and do something truly Monumental.  After watching the movie 300, eating gyros and drinking ouzo one night I became inspired and as the spirit of Pheidippides overcame me I vowed to run to a Marathon.  However, I have since learned that Pheidippides did not run to the nearest convenience store to get a bag of Cheetos because he had the munchies as I had thought.  Instead he ran freeking 26 miles just to bring the latest news to the King and then he up and died.  This really put a damper on the whole emulate Pheidippides thing.  Alas, I had made my vow and I would see it through to the end.  I also found out that carb-loading is essential to any pre-Marathon regimen and I’m up for anything that gives me an excuse to drink more beer.  So it’s off to Indy I go for glory and beer.’

In other action the BALLAZ look to stop their slide to oblivion against the Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s featured artist is Dweezil Zappa.  Mr. Small could be found writing ‘I will not start a player with a big ‘O’ after his name’ on the club’s blackboard 100 times.  ‘I’VE BEEN TOLD RECENTLY THAT MY FANTASY IS SO BAD I’D EVEN SCREW UP A WET DREAM.   IT SEEMS THAT WHILE PARTICIPATING IN FANTASY IT IS IMPORTANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHETHER OR NOT THERE HAS BEEN A BIG ‘O’ AT ANY POINT .  I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT BY RECOGNIZING WHEN A BIG ‘O’ HAS OCCURRED AND REPOSITIONING THE BOYZ TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS I MIGHT GREATLY ENHANCE MY FANTASY PERFORMANCE.  ALSO, IF I WISH TO CONTINUE WITH FANTASY IN THE FUTURE AND NOT END UP ON THE COUCH, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO CUDDLE WITH THE PLAYER AFTER THE BIG ‘O’.  I’M NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT THAT LAST PART, BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH ANY OF THESE DIRECTIONS WILL RESULT IN MY PLAYING FANTASY BY MYSELF.’ 

Meanwhile, Darkness has descended on her Artic compound where we find their owner, Kristy, preparing for the upcoming Season.  ‘With Halloween come and gone, it is time to head up to the Great White North and make sure my ELFs are ready for the upcoming season.  What?  Am I getting the Elves ready for Christmas? Hell no, it is the first week of November for crissakes.  Why the Hell would I want to start getting ready for Christmas now?  I didn’t say Elves, I said ELFs, Endoran Lap Fuggles.  They come from Endor just like Ewoks only they aren’t as freeking annoying.  While the Ewoks lived in the jungle, the ELFs lived in the Polar Regions.  How could you not love a face like that, I mean look at them, they’re so FLUFFY!’

In this Clash of the Titans, DaBears! square off against the Mighty Pansies. DaBears! seem to have finally gotten things turned around.  DaBears! owner, Rick, had this to say about his team’s recent success, ‘Ever since I brought Mad Dog out of retirement my team seems to have gotten a little jolt.  Now some of this may be due to Mad Dog’s penchant for using an electric cattle prod at practice, but I think it has more to do with his ability to lead by examples.  Why just this week he wanted to make an example out of D-Bowe who had a less than stellar week for a big time WR.  Now castration may seem a bit severe for one sub-par performance, but is that really too much to ask for in the pursuit of a Championship.  In the end I persuaded Mad Dog that lopping off his balls would probably hurt his ability to go deep and may not be in the best interest of the team.  However, I will say that we really good have used a nice falsetto voice to help with the National Anthem.’ 

Meanwhile over at his Campaign headquarters, the Pansies’ owner is preparing for his run for Fantasy Mayor.  ‘I’ve grown sick and tired of these poor excuses for candidates and finally decided to throw my hat into the ring.  As we’re the fattest city in the country I figured by offering a ‘Chicken in every pot’, I’d be sure to get a large percentage of the vote.  However, I learned that that slogan had been used before so I thought of catering to the other segment of the population that we seem to lead the Nation in, Meth-heads.  I figured offering a ‘Meth lab in every pot’ would surely garner me enough votes to be elected, but then I took into account that most of that constituency would be too blitzed to even find a polling station.  Since pandering seems to be out, I guess I’ll be forced to campaign on actually issues.  I took a look at the biggest issues; Robert’s Stadium, sewers and jobs, and have come up with what I believe will solve all of the problems at the same time.  The debate around the Stadium seems to be whether or not to turn it into a Natatorium or tear it down.  Now, what is the most important part of a Natatorium?  I’ll tell you what, water.  Now why is the Southside bitching about the need for sewers?  I’ll tell you why, too much water.  I can see the wheels in your head spinning now.  You’re asking yourself, ‘well if the Southside has an abundance of water and a Natatorium needs water, why not build a Natatorium on the Southside?’  You see though, that leaves out the third component ‘jobs’.  What I propose is giving all the unemployed shovels with which they can now dig a long ditch from the Southside to Robert’s Stadium for all the Combined Sewer Overflow runoff and, voila, a Natatorium.  All our problems are solved.  Now you may ask, ‘isn’t CSO runoff full of all kinds of dangerous bacteria and other shit, literally, which may prove hazardous to the kids who are swimming in it?’  You’ve forgetting one thing, though; these are public school kids we’re talking about here.  You wouldn’t believe the kind of crap their immune system has built up a tolerance to.’          

Week 8 - October 30, 2011

An eerie silence has descended upon the League as the kick-off to week 8 approaches.  You’ll find this intrepid reporter holed up in the League’s CFDZAC, which would be the Center for Fantasy Disease and Zombie Apocalypse Control, a level 5 security zone.  While he may be intrepid, he ain’t stupid.  ‘I’ve been around this League long enough to know that the weirdest shit happens every Halloween.  I’m staying right here with my box of Twinkies and my trusty Zombie poker until we’re safely into November,’ said the better safe than sorry League reporter.

Our first match-up involves DaBears! and the struggling BALLAZ.  The coach of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is the Zombies.  ‘I’ve got no time for Zombies and all that superstitious Halloween crap right now.  The first pitch is only minutes away and I’ve got to make sure I’ve got everything just right or the Cards have no chance.  I’ve got my Cardinal footie pajamas on.  I’ve been wearing these every post-season since I was 13.  I’ve got my rally hat on and the rally squirrel warming up in the bullpen.  Fortunately, I’ve only got the one squirrel so I don’t have to worry about sending in a left-handed squirrel to face down a right-handed batter instead of my ace squirrel because that would just be freeking MORONIC.   OF COURSE, MOST IMPORTANTLY I’VE GOT MY BOTTLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN.  THE BOYZ HAVE NO CHANCE IF I’M FORCED TO DRINK BEER.  I’M ALL SET.  LET’S GO CARDS!  OH,SHIT!...WHO DRANK MY RUM…AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!’

DaBears! owner, Rick, was found at his team’s training facility hiding under his desk.  ‘I don’t know what the Hell is going on around here.  I’ve been troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night.I’ve experienced feelings of dread in the basement and the attic.  I think I’ve even seen a specter or a ghost, I’m not exactly sure which as I always get those two mixed up.  Hell, I’m even afraid to eat.  The last time I opened the refrigerator I heard a voice say ‘Zuul’, you know that just isn’t natural behavior in a major appliance.  It even threatened me.  It wanted me to ‘choose the means of my destruction’ or some such thing.  What do you do in a situation like this?  I mean who you gonna call?  All I could think to do was think of the most harmless thing. Something I’ve loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy me. Oh, shit!  It’s…it’s….the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man…AAAARRGGGGGGHH!’

The Sunday Savants look to bounce back from their shellacking as they take on the Little Rascals.

 The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at hiding behind the bar at a local nightclub.  ‘After that ass-kicking I got last week, I figured the only thing that would get that taste of utter humiliation out of my mouth would be a beer or 12.  I wandered on into the first place I saw, but I was in no way prepared for what awaited me inside. I’ve seen the ‘Walking Dead’, that is once it comes out on DVD because Dish still doesn’t carry AMC the freeking bastards, I know what the damn Undead look like.  And everyone I saw had that same slow, decrepit gait and that eerie hunger in their eyes of someone who needs to feed on the youthfulness and life of another.  That’s when I ducked behind the bar for cover.  It is calm now, but just wait until the music starts.  It sends them into some kind of feeding frenzy.   Oh God, that’s their leader.  He always gets them all riled up.

                ‘Welcome class of ’77 to Disco Night.  Are you ready to PARRRRTTTTYYYY!’

You see what I mean.  I’m the only one under 50 here.  And now they are coming for me.  NO! NO!   Oh, shit!  It’s….it’s…the BeeGees….AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!’

The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at her favorite Halloween haunt, Strictly Undead Shooting.  ‘I always like to get a little target practice in as Halloween approaches.  You can never be to prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse or some other such Undead uprising.  Most people don’t realize that shooting the Undead requires a bit of skill.  You can’t just go shooting off your piece all willy-nilly at anything that moves.  You’ve got to know what you’re doing if you want to survive.  Recognition is the key to survival.  Well that and a good semi-automatic.  What happens if you’re walking down the street and you see a group of vampires coming at you?  First, you pull out your ‘Team Edward’ t-shirt.  This will slow them down long enough for you to get some silver bullets.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean silver-plated ammo, I mean some Coors Light.  I mean everyone knows really freeking vampires don’t goddamn sparkle so these are just some stupid ass kids looking to TP your house.  Besides, really silver bullets are only good on werewolves so you’ve got to save those for any of those ‘Team Jacob’ assholes that come around.’

The top-ranked Fright-ful Ninjas take on the Far East Engineers.  The Engineer’s Head Engineer was found at his top secret research facility where he was working on his latest invention.   ‘All the traveling I’ve been doing lately got me thinking about all the wasted time involved with today’s outmoded transportation.  I mean we’re still using airplanes for crissakes, those things are like a hundred years old.  So in my spare time I’m been working with my Brazilian colleague, Noob, on a much quicker form of transportation.  No longer will you have to worry about delayed flights or put up with those annoying, yet somewhat enjoyable, TSA pat-downs.  With my new Transmogrifier 4000 you just hop in and WHOOSH, everything  is instantly broken down to a molecular level and beamed to a destination  chamber where it is recombobulated.  I mean what could possibly go wrong?  In fact was about to try it out for the first time.  My colleague is standing by in the other chamber waiting to be beamed here right now.  All I need to do is step inside and make a last few adjustments.  Oops…<BWA-ZAAPP>…What the?  That can’t be good.  Why do I suddenly have the urge to Samba?  Oh, shit!...I’ve been Noob-ed….AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!         

The owner of the Fright-ful Ninjas, Meagan, was found hiding under her bed.  ‘Every year it is the same thing, Haunted Houses full of vampires, werewolves and zombies scaring the bejeezus out of people.  Pish-posh, on the Undead and all that crap.  All you need is a good stake, a little salt or a little silver bullet to take one of them out.  Meanwhile, do you hear any one mentioning the truly evil creatures that are lurking about?  Oh no, they’ve got everyone fooled, but not me.  I’m on to them, that’s why they’re after me.  Oh, shit!  Here come the little devils now….AAAARRRRGGGGHH!’    

The suddenly hot Dismal Darkness face off against the Pansies.  The owner of the Darkness, Kristy, was found at her Arctic compound.  ‘I’ve got my scientific team up here drilling for core samples in the glaciers.  I can use these to determine the Carbon Dioxide levels that were in the atmosphere thousands of years ago thereby proving man’s effect on the entirely natural global warming.  Unfortunately, my samples have been contaminated by this sticky black substance.  I’m afraid that we may have stumbled upon some ancient alien virus that has survived deep in the ice which could infect humans allowing them to assume control of their body.  This alien life force could then reproduce allowing it to infect others allowing it to conquer the world.  I’m awaiting word now from my science team on the origins of this substance.  Oh, shit!... it’s worse than I could have ever imagined…it’s….OIL….AAAARRRGGHHHH!      

Meanwhile at the Pansies’ Headquarters, ‘Darkness falls across the land.   The midnight hour is close at hand.  Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize y’all’s neighborhood.  The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years.  And grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom.  And though you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller.  Oh, shit!  It’s…it’s…Michael Jackson…AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Week 7 - October 10, 2011

Week 7 marks the halfway point of the Fantasy season, and by now you’ve had time to determine just what type of team you’ve got to work with as the Season hits the stretch run.  So as the blustery, rainy, downright nasty day dawns you are taken back to the warm and sunny day of your youth lo those many weeks ago when the League conducted its Draft, and you’re left to ask yourself, ‘why the Hell did I draft this steaming pile of monkey shit? And where can I get the recipe to that delicious Dump Cake?’

First up this week are the Sunday Savants and the disappointing Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, has seen more ups and downs than a yo-yo this year as his longest win streak this year

stands at one.  Asked how he expects to rebound from his disappointing start he replied, ‘I’ve definitely noticed a drop-off in performance this year.  It used to be easy for me to get up for a game, but as I’ve gotten older I find it more difficult to rise to the occasion.  I’d never condone the use of illegal means to help improve performance.  However, I’m not above using a ‘supplement’ to enhance my performance.  Luckily I just happen to have a hefty supply of Nitric Oxide tablets that I’ve been able to use too help boost my team’s work-outs.  I used to use them when I worked out.  No really, I did.  Seriously, they were for work-outs.  Stop smirking.’   

Meanwhile at the once bright and sunny Solar Sunshine a dismal darkness has swept over the team.  The coach of the Sunshine, a subdued Susie Soleil, had this to say, ‘the environmental movement seems to be losing steam.  The Congress is staging an all-out assault on environmental regulations, and big business is racing to exploit the last of our pristine wilderness.  I’ve been watching these ‘Occupy’ protests and it has given me an idea to help bring attention back to saving this planet.  I’ve flown up here to the Bush in Alaska to start my own protest movement.  I’ve asked my PR department to come up with a catchy slogan to rival that of the ‘Occupy’ movement.  I think this new movement has a chance to really take off, so I’m asking everyone to get out and ‘Come Fill my Bush.’’     

The BALLAZ look to end their skid when they take on the Squirrel-y Ninjas.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Max was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week Limp Bizkit is performing.  Asked about his disappointing results so far this Season, he had this to say, ‘the other teams in this League you all think you’re special.  You do, I can see it in your eyes.  I can see it when you laugh at me.  Look down on me.  You walk around on me.  Well, I’ve had enough of this and now I’m pissed.  This time I’m a let it all come out.  This time I’m a stand up and shout.  I’m a do things my way.’

The Squirrel-y Ninjas coach, Meagan, was found in the tight confines of Busch Stadium where she was rooting on her beloved Cardinals.  ‘Things looked a little bleak for the Redbirds at one point this post-season, but that all changed once I figured out the secret to their success.  Now, some want to ascribe all the success to the Rally Squirrel, but I beg to differ.  I’ve found that the success of the team is directly related to the amount of clothing I’m wearing.  I’d noticed that the players tended to lose focus at times during games, and that these lapses coincided with me not wearing my shirt.  I’d put my shirt on, and things would turn around again.  Well I figured if taking off my shirt had such a dramatic effect on the Cards what could I do to distract their opponent?  So I’m here in the Rangers dugout to unleash my secret weapon - wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.  GO CARDS!’

The Little Rascals face off against the DaBears!  The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at the team’s shooting range where she was asked how she felt about the Season so far, ‘Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention (although taking a crippled kicker and a bobble-headed QB are definitely worth mentioning).  I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.  I’ve laughed and cried.  I’ve had my fill, my share of losing and now as tears subside I find it all so amusing.  Yes, there were times I’m sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew.  But through it all when there was doubt I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all and I stood tall and did it My way.’

Over at DaBears! team complex, a big shakeup is in the works, ‘this team has been underperforming all year.  I may not have what it takes to take this team to the next level, but I think I know someone who just might,’ said team owner, Rick.  ‘This man is a living Fantasy legend.  His exploits are renowned the World over.  Unfortunately, he cut all ties with this Fantasy realm and has not been seen or heard from since.  However, I’ve had my scouts out searching far and wide, from the Shores of the Wabash to the Hills of Tennessee and I’ve just received word that my search has been successful.  This team is about to get the jolt it needs to put us over the top.’

                ‘Where the Hell is this panty-wasted, piss-poor excuse for a team?  Get your lazy asses in here! 

                You’re a Goddamn disgrace to the name Bears!’ screamed the long lost Mad Dog Hupp.

‘Lord help us all,’ uttered, Rick.

In this battle of division leaders, the Far East Engineers square off against the Mighty Pansies.  The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer was found hard at work in his top secret hydroponics’ lab where he was putting the finishing touches on his latest creation, ‘While my lab-grown ‘Death Pepper’ has shown the desired punch it doesn’t have quite the longevity that I would like.  It seems to lose its potency rather quickly and struggles to take root so I’m looking at increasing its lifespan by cross-breeding it with more hearty and hard to kill genomes.  I’ve found that by combining it with Kudzu I can create a ‘Death Pepper’ that has become almost impossible to stop as it creeps along, over-coming all obstacles in front of it.  To increase its potency I’m focusing on its interaction with the sinus cavity which as we all know is probably the second most affected orifice when it comes to the ingestion of ‘Death Peppers’.  Also, I’ve found that by adding just a dash of H1N1 virus to the “Death Pepper’ the potency is increased ten-fold as it attacks the sinuses and unleashes a case of the snots like you wouldn’t believe. Because of its almost maniacal drive to quench its insatiable desire to spread and the almost brain-rotting potency of my latest creation I’ve decided to dub it the ‘Undead Pepper’.  Of course, the one problem I’ve got now is testing these little death bombs.  My co-workers seem to have gotten wise to my little pepper tastings and have become more reluctant to partake in my tests.  Lucky for me I decided to locate my top secret facility next to an animal preserve in the rural Midwest, this has provided me with an unlimited supply of unwitting subjects.  Some may frown on my testing these genetically altered ‘Undead Peppers’ on animals.  However, these animals are kept secure in their cages at all times and short of the pepper somehow mutating by coming into contact with some disease that could jump species thereby having some unforeseen consequence in humans I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.’

 Meanwhile at the Pansies team headquarters and animal preserve located in the rural Midwest, the team’s janitor is going about his nightly rounds.  ‘Now where the Hell did my keys get to?  I just had them here by the monkey cage a minute ago.  Hey, how’d you get out?  Oh, shit!’

Week 6 - October 16, 2011

Week 6 finds us at halfway through the month of October and that means the temperature outside is slowly starting to fall.  So as you are huddled over your computer adjusting your Fantasy roster while shaking uncontrollably you’re left to ponder the question, ‘Should I finally turn on the furnace or am I just suffering from deep-fried sugar withdraw from last week’s Fall Festival?’

The first matchup of the week features the Far East Engineers facing off against the BALLAZ.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found drowning his sorrows at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is Biz Markie.  ‘I’m not sure what I was thinking last week benching perhaps one of the greatest QBs of all time the week he throws 5 TDs.  Now I’m not saying it was the worst decision of my life but it ranks right up there.  It goes right along side that time back in school when after a few too many drinks I hookrd up with an Animal Husbandry major.  I think her name was blah-blah-blah.  All I remember is waking up the next morning in a barn half naked, with a splitting headache next to some damn goat.  I never did see blah-blah-blah again after that and ever since I get a strange yearning whenever I wear a Cashmere sweater.’

 The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found preparing for this week’s game in his top secret Hydroponics lab.  ‘I’ve noticed recently that the League’s renowned ‘Death Chili’ hasn’t been living up to its once high standards.  I’m attributing that to the lack of high quality Death Peppers found today and not due to any wussiness on the part of the League’s Chef.   I believe the recent effect of non-man-made Global Warming has adversely impacted the mountainous region of South America where they are grown.  It appears the migration patterns of the Chimsel have been altered, and as a consequence the Chimsel guano, which any good Chimsel herder ( ed. Note: How do you now it is a good Chimsel herder?  He’s still got all his appendages.)  will tell you is key to the fertilization of the Death Pepper, is not available during the critical vulcanization stage of the Death Pepper.  Ergo, the Death Peppers are only about one million Scoville, nowadays, an almost 50% decrease from a few years ago.  I’ve been toiling away in my lab trying to bioengineer a suitable replacement before the Death Pepper is lost to the World.  Unfortunately, all of the lab rats I’d been using as test subjects have spontaneously combusted so I’ve been forced to take my latest creations to work for my unsuspecting colleagues to test.’

In other action, DaCards! take on the hot Glee-ful Ninjas.  DaCards! owner, Rick, was found celebrating his latest victory.  ‘Things were looking bleak after the first few weeks of the season.  The way my luck was running I didn’t think I’d win a game all season, but all of that changed in week three.  I was standing on the sidelines playing with my nuts, staring another defeat in the face when out of nowhere comes this little furry rodent.  He circled around me a few times as he tried to figure out how to get to my nuts.  Lucky for me I always keep my nut sack secured during a game or I’m sure he would have made off with them.   After his appearance the tide of the game turned and I’ve been winning ever since.  Go Rally Squirrel!’

The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at the Hilltop taking stock of her life as yet another birthday has come and gone.  ‘Where does the time go?  I mean 1985 seems like it was just yesterday.  I feel like I just hit a wall.  I never had it all.  One shot a day.  My dreams just went out the door when I turned 24.  What happened to my plan?  I was gonna be an actress.  I was gonna be a star.  I was gonna shake my ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.  My blue Chevy is now the enemy.  You know I’ve seen all the classics, I know every line.  Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, even St’ Elmos’ Fire (of course the best line belongs to Sixteen Candles , but that doesn’t fit in the song).  I rocked out to Wham, I’m not a big Limp Bizkit fan. I thought I’d get a hand on a member from Duran Duran.  And where’s my mini-skirt made out of snake-skin?  When did reality become TV?  Whatever happened to sitcoms and game shows?  Please make this stop.  And bring back…oh to Hell with it, hears to being one year older…Frederick…get me another shot.’ 

In the Battle for Relevance, the Solar Sunshine and the Little Rascals go at it.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at her Rockport HQ.  ‘After months of training and countless hours on the range, all my hard work has finally paid off.  I’ve been granted that most coveted of titles.  I’m now a licensed double aught agent, 0074.  My double aught statue means I can now act with impunity as I patrol the mean streets of Rockport.  I can taze your ass just for looking at me funny.  Hell, I can even cup you when I frisk you now.  No more back of the hand only BS.  And once I get my Beat Down 300 Tactical Assault flashlight, I’m going to be one mean Muther.  Ain’t no shit gonna go down on my beat.’

Meanwhile over at the Solar Sunshine compound, the coach of the Sunshine, the subdued Susie Soleil, was found mulling her team’s future.  ‘The poor performance of this team has really caused attendance to drop at our games.  We’ve had to start a business on the side just to make ends meet.   Now I’m sure everyone has been through the hassle of having your power go out and still having to get ready for work, be it shaving, curling your hair or even removing that unsightly pet hair from your clothing.  Well, we’re introducing a new line of solar-powered personal grooming products that should alleviate this problem.   We actually have very high hopes for our first product.  My PR department has already come up with an ad campaign, ‘so a tornado knocked your power out yet again, and you with an important business meeting this morning.  Now to top it all off little Fluffy has covered you in cat fur.  Well, not to worry, with the new Solar Sucker 2000 Personal Grooming Vacuum you’ll be clean as a whistle in no time.  Order one today and we’ll be sucking you off tomorrow.’  I really think this will be a hit.’

In a rematch of last year’s Fantasy Championship, the Sunday Savants square off against the Pansies.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at the grand opening of his new business.  ‘With my Fantasy skills in decline, I’ve had to think about other lines of work.  I’ve found if there is one constant in this World it is that everything gets dirty.  And as we all know nothing is self-cleaning, so that means an unending flow of business to the cleaning industry.  There are car washes on almost every corner.  Want your house cleaned; just dial up any number of maid services.  Do you need your business cleaned or even your street or parking lot swept; someone has you covered.  I’ve found one market though that I feel is underserved, the household pet maintenance industry.  Until recently this business was very cost prohibitive, that was until I came up with an innovation that is sure to transform the industry, and which requires very little investment on my part.  I mean why spend all that money on cleaning accessories when every house has a toilet.  You just pick up little Fluffy and do want any school bully would do, you give her a good old fashioned swirly and, voila, one clean cat.  Remember a clean pussy is a happy one.’

Over at the Pansies’ headquarters they are still recovering from their stunning loss last week.  When asked about his questionable coaching decisions that led to his historic loss, the Pansies coach had this to say, ‘I’m not quite sure what happened last week.  Truth be told most of last week is sort of a blur after the tragic accident I had while biking on the Greenway.  I’m not sure what hit me, but I think it may have been a Ganarkel.  Those suckers sure pack a wallop.’  

Week 5 - October 9, 2011

Week five dawns crisp and clear with summer slowly easing its way into fall, the leaves beginning to turn, squirrels playing with their nuts and that very familiar aroma wafting from the West side of town.   All of which can mean only one thing.  The wind is blowing from the direction of the combined sewer overflow at Bee Slough, but also that one week of the year which Heart Doctors abhor and the rest of us crave is finally here.  With Fall Festival week upon us, this intrepid reporter finds himself along West Franklin looking for that ever elusive deep-fried yogurt on a stick and making the rounds of the League’s owners as they man their respective booths.

The slumping Sunday Sorta Smart Guys look to bounce back this week when they face the surging BALLAZ.  The coach of the Smart Guys, Justin was found at his booth #78.  ‘This team has imploded like a big freeking Meat Wad Inferno.  Have you seen my Power Ranking?  Sixth!  If I drop any lower they may relegate me to the Fantasy Minors.  I hear there is some hot new prospect in Brazil that the League is just itching to call up.  The kid supposedly has some mad Fantasy skills.  He’s already going by only one name, the Noob, just like all those Brazilian superstars.  I may not get another chance, Hell, I’m staring down 30.  I’ve only got a little time left before I’m over the Fantasy hill.  If I don’t bring home a Championship this year I may be through.  I don’t want to be one of these 40 year old guys sitting in their cubicle pining for his Fantasy Glory Days.’

The BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at booth #70 where he has some of his girls from his club, HOTTENTOTZ, working it.  ‘I BROUGHT ALONG MY GIRLS, THE HOTTEEZ, TO HELP DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS.  I’VE GOT THEM COOKING UP SOME OF MY FAVORITES.  WE’VE GOT CAKE BALLZ, QUEZDILLAZ, CHEEZECAKE, MOSSARELLA STICKZ, AND EVEN Z’MOREZ.  MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY AND PICK UP YOUR FAVORITE.’  

In a battle of two League heavyweights, the Recently Returned from the Far East Engineers square off against DaCards!  The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at booth #15. ‘It is certainly good to be back home.  I spent two weeks in China having to eat meals made up of things like duck tongue.  You would not believe what I had to swallow when I ate out in Putang.  Luckily I’m able to finally eat some normal food like Pigeon Poo, Pig Snorts, Pork Butt, Muddy Pigs or Puppy Chow.’ 

DaCards! owner was found down on West Franklin reliving a bit of his youth.  ‘I was just thinking of the days when I ran with one of the baddest street gangs around.  My buddies and I ran with the F-Street Flautas.  Nobody messed with us on our turf down here.  There was ‘Pronto Pup’ Pete, now he was always quick with a joke or to light up your smoke.  Then there were the twins ‘Monster Ear’ Mike and ‘Elephant Ear’ Earl.  You wouldn’t believe the size of the appendages on those guys.  You shoulda seen the size of Earl’s trunk, if you know what I mean.  Of course, I can’t forget ‘Beignet’ Bennie.  He was a real wannabe ladies’ man always trying to spout off French phrases.  Those certainly were some good times,’ said gang leader, Icky Licky Ricky.   

The Solar Sunshine look to get their season back on track as they take on the Glee-ful Ninjas.  The coach of the Sunshine, the sugary Susie Soleil, was found at booth #90.  ‘We count on this booth to be a big moneymaker for us every year so I’ve asked my PR team to come up with some advertising that will be sure to get some attention.  I’d wanted to sell a pork sandwich, but I was a little uneasy with the ad campaign they came up with.  I just didn’t think ‘come wrap your mouth around my tenderloins’ would go over well.  I mean it is a family friendly atmosphere.  So my second choice was to go with a tasty dessert item that is always a favorite.   Who could resist a little creamy goodness all covered in chocolate?  So come on down and take a lick of my Little Slice of Heaven.’

The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at booth #69, where she was preparing to film another segment of that internet sensation, ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  ‘I’ve been coming down here for years and I’ve sampled just about everything, but I’ve always thought there was something missing.  You know they’ve deep-fried Coke and Pepsi.  They’ve even deep-fried Kool-Aid, but somehow they’ve missed out on the one thing that I’m sure would be the biggest draw ever.  I mean we’re on the Westside here people.  What the Hell is it that you never see one of these Westsiders without?  That’s right; I’m talking about deep-fried beer!  I mean it’s one of the main freeking food groups around here.  You’d have people lined up for miles.  Frederick!  Get me an Apple Jack!’      

The final matchup features the mighty Pansies taking on the Little Rascals.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at booth #4 where she was found partaking in a little Lunchie Munchie.  ‘With all the trouble down here lately, the Nut Club decided they needed a little extra security so they came to me.  They have me walking the beat in their biggest trouble spot.  I’m loaded for bear down here.  I’ve got my Beat-Down 300 Tactical Assault flashlight.  And you know I’m never far from my trusty Taser, which is lucky for me too because I’ve already had to whip the ol’ taser out once already.  There was some little punk stirring up some trouble.  It seems she wanted to take another ride on the Kiddie Kars without ponying up another ticket.  Well that shit don’t fly when Ashley’s on the job and I tazed that little gangsta’s ass.  Hell, I bet she’ll be wetting the bed for a week.’  

The owner of the Pansies was found at booth #11.  ‘Before our old pal Sinister P left the League last year he was kind enough to sell the rights to his fowl enterprise over to the League.  Each year everyone looked forward to seeing what new hideous yet delicious delicacy would come out of his diabolical kitchen.  And while his signature dish never fails to please, this year we’ve decided it needed a new twist.  Now you can’t go wrong when you add a little bacon to any dish, and what would a Fall Festival morsel be if it weren’t dipped in some chocolate and stuck on a stick.  So make sure you hurry on down to our booth and pick up your Mudder Phucken Pig in a Poke.’  

Week 4 - October 2, 2011

October is already upon us and that can mean only one thing.  The new Fall television season has kicked off.  Which leads one to the question, ‘who the Hell comes up with this crap?’  Luckily we’ve got football to watch and not the regurgitated drivel that passes for Primetime programming today, which just goes to show there is truth to the old adage, ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia.’  Of course the corollary to that is also true, ‘never try and remake the greatest TV series of the 70s with a bunch of scrawny B cuppers.’   With that in mind, here is what a winning Fantasy TV line up would look like.

We start off with the newest offering from the Game Show Network, ‘Press Your Fantasy Luck’, with your host, Hard Luck Rick.  Every week our hapless contestant will select his fantasy line up from the Press Your Luck board.  Are you going to be starting Tom Brady?  Is Calvin Johnson going to be in your starting line up?  If your luck holds you’ll put an unstoppable line up on the field.  But watch out for the Whammy when you’ll find your highest scoring RB sitting on the bench or that player who is a last minute scratch as a starter.   Tune in weekday mornings for all the fun and hair-pulling agony.

New this Fall on CBS, Phil, stars in ‘Fantasy Player of Interest’ where a reclusive computer expert has come up with a program which can determine the fantasy stats of every player each week.  The only problem is the player is identified by number only and not their name.  Our reluctant hero must use his wits and CIA training to piece together a winning Fantasy line up each week.  If he picks correctly, Fantasy glory is his, if not, he is mired in Fantasy ignominy.

After such hits as ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The Walking Dead’ AMC has another critically acclaimed hit on their hands with this offering from new Director Biggie Small.  Set in a once thriving Disco, our down on his luck owner, Max, looks to turn his fortunes around.  Unfortunately for him, a virus has mutated in a batch of meth which has turned all his customers into meth-addled zombies.  Now our hero is forced to DJ as he fights his way through the undead from dusk til  Dawn of the Dead in ‘The Dead Break Dancing Badly’.

At the dawn of the 21^st century, the Earth is on the edge of an environmental meltdown, but one woman has discovered a way to save the human race and her Fantasy season.  New this Fall on Fox, ‘Phantasticum Nova’.  Our intrepid scientist, Kristy, has discovered a rip in the space-time continuum which has enabled her to go back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and her Fantasy Draft had not yet taken place.  Now she has the chance to remake a more penquin-loving civilization and draft Tom Brady instead of Arian Foster.

And now a word from our sponsor…

TV Land has an instant Classic on their hands with their latest offering.   Drawing on his love for the classics and all things geriatric, by his combining elements of the Groucho Marx classic and his favorite sitcom ‘Golden Girls’, Justin, has created the ultimate game show for these tough times.  Each week Justin will quiz his elderly contestants on pop culture.  The winners will move on to the next round and continue to mooch off him by drawing Social Security, while the losers will be forced to stand in judgment by the Death Panel.  Tune in every week for ‘You Bet Your Life You Old Coots’.  

Fox is proud to announce their latest Reality TV offering which combines all the hard-hitting drama of ‘Cops’ with a more sensitive side ‘The Love Connection’.  Our little Ashley, stars each week in ‘Penal Date’, where she and her beau patrol the streets of a small town solving crimes and tazing winos.  The sparks fly as this dynamic duo break out the furry handcuffs and play ‘Good Cop, Naughty Cop’ proving once again the old adage that ‘a couple that tazes together stays together.’

The Food Channel has the follow up to Meagan’s hit show ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  Her latest offering, ‘Nom That Tune’ features contestants as they vie for fabulous prizes, mainly a fine selection of boxed wine and slices of American cheese, by trying to identify motorboated pop songs.

Our final offering in a fabulous new Fall lineup is brought to you by Cinemax.  It combines all the suspense and mystery of the ‘X-Files’ with all the assets of the always classic ‘Charlie’s Angels’.  Each week our suave and debonair yet mysterious hero leads his team of Angels as they investigate reports of alien seductions all the while risking anal probings in ‘The XXX-Files’. 

Week 3 - September 25, 2011

9-25-2011

With week three of the Fantasy season upon us, the thought on most everyone’s mind is ‘I spent good money for this? I could have bought beer instead.’  And while hindsight is 20/20, unfortunately you were forced to draft your team with the vision of Mr. Magoo. 

This week kicks off with the Bad News DaBears! hoping to finally catch a break and notch their first win of the season as they face the Solar Sunshine.  DaBears!, owner, Rick, was found at the ‘Luck of the Irish’ lucky charm Emporium, looking for anything that might turn his season around.  ‘What’s a guy got to do to catch a break in this League?  I’ve put up more points than anybody and I’ve got nothing to show for it.  Looking back maybe I shouldn’t have gotten liquored up and taken batting practice in a House of Mirrors while standing under a ladder in front of a black cat crossing before the Draft, but I never thought it would bring this much bad karma?’

Over at the headquarters of the Sunshine their owner, the scheming Susie Soleil, had this to say about her upcoming match up, ‘It is obvious that even with the valiant effort of my PR team people still refuse to take the cause of eco-friendliness seriously.  As a result I’m afraid I’m going to have to take a more forceful approach.  After seeing the success our military had with their SEAL team 6, I decided to begin training my very own environmental Special Forces team.  No longer will the non-recyclers and light-leaving-on-ers of the World be able to act with impunity.  From now on they will live in fear of the ferocious retribution that I will bring down upon them with the SWAT , Sub-Arctic Waterfowl Assault Team, Penquin team 1.  Go ahead.  I dare you to throw that aluminum can away now.’

The Sunday Savants look to bounce back from last week’s humiliating beatdown when they face the Even Further East then Normal Engineers.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found stewing over his humbling ass-kicking.  ‘I don’t know what to make of this team.  Have you seen our Power ranking?  I don’t know that we’ve ever been ranked that low before.  We’re only a point ahead of a team with no wins for crissakes.  I won’t tolerate this type of performance.  We’re not the Sunday Sorta Smart Guys, we’re the Sunday freaking Savants dammit.’

Meanwhile, on the other side of the World, the owner of the Engineers, Dr. Phil, is searching for a suitable location to put his new Draft-o-matic 3000 production facility.  ‘I knew that my latest invention had the chance to change the face of Fantasy drafting, but I never expected such a huge response.  To meet the demand I have to build a new facility.  I’ve been touring China with two of my old engineering buddies, Jing Mai and Long Duck Dong, who have their own construction company and are going to build my new plant.  I’ve been searching all over to find just the right spot and I think I may have finally located it.  Now all I have to do is wait for Mai Dong to erect in Putang what I hope will be an erection that will leave the World in awe.’    

 In the Girls Gone Wild Game of the Week, the Little Rascals take on the always Glee-ful Ninjas.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at the local tattoo parlor where she had these thoughts on her season, ‘With the way this team rolls over and plays dead for every opponent, we’re no Honey Badgers we’re a bunch of little Stiffys.  I ought to market whatever it is they’re drinking that gets them like that.  Forget that warning to call your doctor after 4 hours, Hell; I’ve had these little Stiffys for two weeks.’

The extremely Glee-ful Ninjas coach, Meagan, was found basking in glory of her team’s recent performance.  ‘You know I’ve been on the receiving end of many a spanking since I’ve joined this League.  It was actually starting to be a habit.  I thought I was going to have to start going to the local chapter of Spankings Anonymous  meetings.  Last week though I finally got to dish out a spanking of my own, and I must say I found it quite enjoyable.  In fact I’m looking forward to giving my opponent this week a good spanking.’

In the final game, the END ZONE BALLAZ square off against the Pansies.  The BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ.  ‘I’VE HEARD SOME TALK AROUND THE LEAGUE THIS WEEK DISRESPECTING THE BALLAZ.  I DON”T KNOW WHO THOSE PANSY BASTARDS THINK THEY ARE, BUT NO ONE GOES AROUND DISSING THE BALLAZ.  IN FACT I’M THINKING OF ROUNDING UP SOME OF MY PEEPS TO MAYBE GIVE HIM A LITTLE OF WHAT TUPAC GOT.  HELL, WHEN I ROLL UP AND MY PEEPS HIT HE’LL NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT HIM.  HE’LL THINK TWICE ABOUT EVER DISSING THE BALLAZ AGAIN.  THOSE PEEPS CAN DO SOME REAL DAMAGE.  YOU COULD PUT AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE ONES I’VE HAD SITTING OUT SINCE LAST EASTER.’

The Pansies owner was found at the Commish’s office planning the League’s annual charity function.  ‘With the Race for the Cure right around the corner, the Commish and I felt that the League should do something to help raise awareness.  Because if there is one thing this League stands for it is tatas.  And the more that can be done to help expose tatas and their plight the better.  As you know, Yoplait has their ‘pink lid’ campaign.  However, that leaves 95% of their product doing nothing for charity.  So the Commish’s office is pleased to announce their own campaign.  Now once you’ve dropped off your pink lid at the Komen display you can bring the yogurt and donate it to the Commish’s office.  Where he’ll be happy to take it and make a donation to further the study of breasts.’        

Week 2 - September 18, 2011

With the first week of the Fantasy season in the books, now is the time for the typical Fantasy owner to sit and reflect on all the work and preparation that was put into assembling this team and wonder ‘is it too late for a do-over?’  Unfortunately, you’ve got to dance with who brung ya at this party so there is nothing else to do but to start drinking heavily. 

Our first match-up of the week features the END ZONE BALLAZ and the Solar Sunshine.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ , where he’s brought in the Gap Band to help celebrate his improbable week one victory.  ‘DON’T EVER COUNT THE BALLAZ OUT!  I AIN’T GONNA LET SOME PRIZZY PRETTY BOY QB BEAT ME BY THROWING DOWN A 50 SPOT ON MY AZZ.  I KNEW IF HE WENT FLINGING THE ROCK AROUND ENOUGH HE’D EVENTUALLY SCREW UP AND THROW IT TO MY BOY, WEZ WELKER.  AND IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT A BALLAZ KNOWZ, IT’S HOW TO GET IN THE FRIGGING END ZONE.  THAT’S WHAT MAKES UZ BALLAZ!  THAT AND THE HABIT OF REPLACING THE LETTER ‘S’ WITH A ‘Z’.’

The Solar Sunshine look to rebound from a disappointing week one showing.  For her take on this week’s game the coach of the Sunshine, a saddened Susie Soleil, had this to say, ‘The season has certainly gotten off to a rocky start.  First my team flounders about like a dolphin with no tail, and then I hear the news that my little buddy ‘Happy Feet’ has turned up missing.  I guess when you find yourself lost and so addled that you don’t know the difference between sand and snow, there will always be someone to pick you up, get you back on your happy little feet and on your way back home again.  Of course, right when you think things are looking up a big Leopard seal swoops in and eats your ass, which is an apt metaphor for fantasy football if you asked me.’

In other action, the always Glee-ful Ninjas take on the Sunday Savants who like a force to be reckoned with again this year.  The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at her Westside compound recovering from her latest adventure.” ‘Come join me on a little run,’ says a fellow owner.  ‘It is only a 5k, and it is for a good cause,’ she says.  So off I go with her to the ‘Zoo Run with Ferocious Beasts 5k’ to do a good deed and get a little exercise.  How bad can it be?  Lions, tigers, just big ol’ pussy cats.  I mean their rhino doesn’t even have a horn for crissakes.  Little did I know she was leading me into the fourth Plane of Hades.  You know that’s the Plane where Satan keeps all of his demon spawn fowl.  It was 5k of sheer terror.  What the Hell kind of place lets peacocks run lose all willy-nilly?  Those things are just looking for eyes to poke out.  I mean there are kids around for crissakes.  I’m still shaking.  I need a drink.  Frederick!”

The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found reveling in his victory over his bitter rival.  ‘Those Rascals never knew what hit them.  If you are going to take down a team you go straight for the heart, and with the Rascals that means the Kicker.  On the opening kick-off I went all Gillooly on his ass.  He never knew what hit him.  What’s that look for?  You never heard of anyone knee-capping the competition before?  What did you think I meant by Gillooly? Oh for ever more, where am I going to get a wedding dress?  Also, I’ve got a beef with the Editor of this rag.  How is it we only make to week 2 before we start getting obscure 80’s references again?  Now I’ve got to get my VH1 I Luv the 80’s desk reference book out again.  I guess those damn Monty Python references can’t be far behind. ’

The Pansies square off against DaBears! who are still reeling from their opening week loss.  Rumor has it DaBears! owner, Rick, is holed up in his little get-away.  So I’m heading down the Atlanta highway lookin’ for his little get-away.  I hear it’s a little old place set way back in the middle of a field.  It’s just a funky little shack.  Once I pull my big old Caddy up the drive.  I bang, bang, bang on the door but I guess he can’t hear me so I knock, knock, knock a little louder.  I notice the whole shack shimmies and then I notice he’s up on the roof with his tools.  He’s up there just a bang, bang, banging.  I asked what he was up to but I couldn’t hear his reply: 

BANG BANG BANG

Intrepid reporter:   I can’t hear you!

BANG BANG

Intrepid reporter:  You’re what? 

Rick:  My Tin roof, rusted!

The Pansies owner was found getting ready for his next foray into the latest social networking craze.  ‘That twitting thing didn’t work out so well for me, but I’m much more confident in my latest endeavor, blogging.  I’ve always wanted to be a blogger.  You know they get to sleep all night and works all day.  I eats my lunch.  I go to the laboratory.  On Thursdays I goes shoppin’ and have buttered scones with tea. Oh, I’m Lumberjack  and I’m okay.  What?  You mean blogging isn’t some fancy new tree felling technique?  Well Hell, can I at least still put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars?’

Our final matchup features the Far East Engineers and the little Rascals.  At the Engineers’ complex preparations are underway for the first episode of their Fantasy self-help program, ‘The Dr. Phil Show’.  We spoke to the show’s host, Dr. Phil, about his plans for this endeavor.  ‘With the growth and popularity of football around the world, there is a need for someone that people can turn to with their Fantasy questions and I hope my new show fulfills their needs.  In fact I’m getting ready to take my first call now.’

Dr. Phil: Go ahead listener, you’re on. 

Noob: Yes, Dr. Phil, I’m a long time listener, first time caller. I just want to say I think you do an excellent job. 

Dr Phil: Why thank you caller and thanks for calling. 

Noob: Ah no, Dr. Phil, here’s my problem. 

Dr. Phil: Okay, well, go ahead. 

Noob: I’m getting ready for my first Fantasy of football and I bought your Draft-o-matic 3000 but I think it may be broken. 

Dr. Phil: I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what’s wrong? 

Noob: Well, Dr. Phil, I think the boobs are broken. 

Dr. Phil: The what? Excuse me caller, did you say the ‘boobs are broken?’ 

Noob: Yes, the boobs, the two, rounded masses on the front. I’ve tried twisting them a little but I’m not getting any response. 

Dr. Phil: Ah caller, are you sure you’re talking about the Draft-o-matic 3000 and not the ‘Blow Me Cheerleader, inflatable cheering section? 

Noob: Oh yes, I’m sure. The Draft-o-matic has the arrow that points up or down, which is sheer genius I must say, but now it won’t light up because the boobs are broken. 

Dr. Phil: Oh, you mean the bulbs are broken not the boobs. 

Noob: Bulbs, not boobs? I never made the connection. By the way, does the Blow Me Cheerleader know Portuguese? 

Dr. Phil: Thank you and that will do it this week for the Dr. Phil Show.

 Meanwhile, at the Rascal’s compound changes are afoot after their humiliating season opening loss.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, had this to say, ‘After losing my first two draft picks for the season it’s obvious I’ve got to bring in some help.  I’ve searched far and wide for someone with the Fantasy intellect that can help my poor team get turned around.   Luckily I was able to find perhaps one of the top Fantasy minds in the world, The Doctor.  Why his thesis on ‘Fantasy Ramifications of 2KQB Hybridizations’ is cutting edge stuff.  Nothing like what that hack Schrodinger posits.  He feels that right now my team is experiencing a bit of steric hindrance and by using a pericyclic addition of a QB-RB diene that Diels-Alder made famous in their run to the ’68 Fantasy World Championship he can get this team turned around.   He’s even wants to experiment with 2RB heterodienophiles and their relationship via endo addition to Rickert-Alder reactions with a WR-TE-WR triene.  Of course, it all gets a bit skimble-skamble about this point so I just nod and agree.  However, I think this is pretty cutting edge stuff that could get us the Nobel for Fantasy Football Applications.’     

2011 Week 1 Kickoff 9/8/2011

Kickoff

As the calendar turns to September that can mean only one thing, I’m going to have to clean leaves out of my gutters soon.  And it means the kickoff to yet another exciting and somewhat insane Fantasy season.  With a highly successful Gala Live Draft Extravaganza under our belt, the League members can now move on to the difficult task of assembling the disjointed pieces of a team that was selected in a somewhat drunken haze of home brew and dump cake into a Fantasy Champion.

In the opening matchup, the Other Building Happy Ninjas square off against the Far East Engineers.  The owner of the Glee-ful Ninjas, Meagan, was found on the set preparing for another broadcast of her internet sensation ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  When asked about her expectations for the upcoming season, she had this to say, ‘I was a bit disappointed with the results of the Draft Extravaganza.  When I saw ‘draft’ in the title I assumed there would be a lot more drinking involved.  I spent a week putting together a list of my favorite microbrews for selection.  You can imagine my chagrin when I found out we’d actually be selecting players.  I mean that’s what computers are for.  It’s not that I couldn’t draft a team from scratch.  It’s just that I’ve got better things to do.’

The Far East Engineers prepare for opening week at their top secret R&D lab where Head Engineer Dr. Phil’s Abell to assemble all the high tech gadgetry and gizmos which keep his team one of the most advanced Fantasy teams around.  Little known to the outside world though is the secret driving force behind his genius, the mysterious muse known only as ‘The Chief’.  Asked about his latest work Dr. Phil replied, ‘After partaking in the League’s first live draft, I’ve noticed the need for a few innovations.  The least of which is the need for some sort of photon shielding to protect the unwary soul from disfigurement or worse from diabolically evil printers looking to decapitate you.  But first, I’ve been working since the draft to assemble the prototype for my latest invention, the Draft-o-matic 3000 Omni-directional Sequential Serpentintial Avatar.  No longer will there be confusion as to the direction of the Draft, ‘are we going up or coming down through the draft order?’  The Draft-o-matic 3000 renders that question obsolete.  Some will say that the Draft-o-matic 3000 looks just like a big arrow.  Sure, but my arrow is omni-directional; it can point both up and down.  That right there is a Fantasy game-changer.’   

The first week heats up with this battle of the Dark Side between DaBears! and the League’s newbies the END ZONE BALLAZ.  DaBears! owner, Rick, had this to say about his opening week opponent, ‘What the Hell is a ‘bal-lay’?  Is that some sort of urban street thug ballet? Is he going to be dancing around in the endzone with a baggy tutu that hangs down and shows his ass-crack?  Is he gonna throwdown a little Swan Lake on my ass?  By God, it took me a whole year to figure out what a freaking Fuggle was and now I gotta deal with this.  It’s going to be a long year.’

Meanwhile the BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at his crib preparing for his first taste of the League. ‘I had heard that this League was tough but it definitely lacked any sort of street cred, that is until now.  Granted you have one owner who has a history of coddling troublemakers on her team, but a few domestic disturbances and puppy-kickings is nothing compared to what you can expect from the BALLAZ.  The season hasn’t even started and I’ve had one guy thrown in prison. THe REST OF MY ROSTER HAS A GUY WHO DODGED A MURDER WRAP, ANOTHER WITH, SHALL I SAY, A WAY WITH WOMEN, AND ONE who’s probably going down for grand theft auto, DUI, AND STARRING ON REALITY TV.  HELL, I’M EVEN MINUS A KICKER NOW BECAUSE HE’S GOT A FREAKING BROKEN LEG OR SOME SUCH THING THAT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS OWING MONEY TO SOME CAJUN MOBSTER.  YOU PEOPLE WILL THINK TWICE BEFORE COMING ON BALLAZ TURF.’   

In the Payback Classic, the Sunday Savants kick off their Season of Revenge against their bitter rival and cause of last season’s slide to oblivion the Rascals.  Savant’s owner, Justin, was found holed up in his cubicle fortress, ‘The Slayers or Rascals or whatever they call themselves now won’t get past me this year with that tricky ‘draft a kicker first’ crap.  I’ve been studying up on their coach’s sneaky tactics.  She may act all sweet and innocent with that I’m a Rascal now crap, but I know that she’s still a Slayer underneath.  I mean have you seen what a freaking Honey Badger will do to your ass?  Why do you think I’ve got my cubicle walled off?  Hell, I even drafted a guy fresh out of the joint on gun charges just to watch my back.  I’m also getting a permit so I can pack some heat myself.  I don’t know what this League is coming to but it’s getting so a guy doesn’t feel safe walking to work anymore.’

The Rascals look to prove that last season’s success wasn’t just luck.  Asked about this year’s strategy Rascal’s coach, Ashley, had these comments, ‘Most people thought the drafting of a kicker first last year could be attributed to my being a rookie with little knowledge about this Fantasy business.  Well I thought a few ass-kickings later and a Division title would shut the naysayers up.  I guess I was wrong.  It looks like I’m going to have to do the whole thing over again.  Maybe this time when I crush this puny League and bring home a Fantasy Championship my ‘Kicker first’ strategy will finally be accepted.  But if not, you know what, Honey Badger don’t give a shit.’  

The Solar Sunshine opens up against the defending Champion Pansies.  The Sunshine coach, the salacious Susie Soleil, had this to say about her prospects this year, ‘After their previous fiasco, the PR department has been working overtime to come up with another ad campaign in time for the season opener to bring attention to the environmental plight we face.  I think they’ve finally come up with a good idea.  The best way to demonstrate to people the dangers of their penquin-hating ways is to show them the consequences and the recent cleaving of the icebergs in Greenland has provided us with that opportunity. I’m planning on having ads at all the opening games imploring people to ‘Come stare at my Cleavage’.  I really have high hopes for this campaign.’

The Pansies owner was found in the team Headquarters’ Communication Department.  ‘Since our latest Championship more and more fans want to keep up with all things Pansies.  And with the advent of the social networking craze, all the facebooking, blogging, skyping and tweeting has made that possible.  So the Pansie,s in looking to appeal to the younger generation of fans and all their networking desires, are going to enter the social networking fray by tweeting all the latest happenings.  I’ve already made all the preparations necessary to start tweeting when the season kicks off.  I have to admit though I’m not sure what this younger generation sees in this tweeting thing.  All the racket is driving me crazy and you won’t believe how much bird shit I’ve had to clean up.’