Week 6 - October 16, 2011

Week 6 finds us at halfway through the month of October and that means the temperature outside is slowly starting to fall.  So as you are huddled over your computer adjusting your Fantasy roster while shaking uncontrollably you’re left to ponder the question, ‘Should I finally turn on the furnace or am I just suffering from deep-fried sugar withdraw from last week’s Fall Festival?’

The first matchup of the week features the Far East Engineers facing off against the BALLAZ.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found drowning his sorrows at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is Biz Markie.  ‘I’m not sure what I was thinking last week benching perhaps one of the greatest QBs of all time the week he throws 5 TDs.  Now I’m not saying it was the worst decision of my life but it ranks right up there.  It goes right along side that time back in school when after a few too many drinks I hookrd up with an Animal Husbandry major.  I think her name was blah-blah-blah.  All I remember is waking up the next morning in a barn half naked, with a splitting headache next to some damn goat.  I never did see blah-blah-blah again after that and ever since I get a strange yearning whenever I wear a Cashmere sweater.’

 The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found preparing for this week’s game in his top secret Hydroponics lab.  ‘I’ve noticed recently that the League’s renowned ‘Death Chili’ hasn’t been living up to its once high standards.  I’m attributing that to the lack of high quality Death Peppers found today and not due to any wussiness on the part of the League’s Chef.   I believe the recent effect of non-man-made Global Warming has adversely impacted the mountainous region of South America where they are grown.  It appears the migration patterns of the Chimsel have been altered, and as a consequence the Chimsel guano, which any good Chimsel herder ( ed. Note: How do you now it is a good Chimsel herder?  He’s still got all his appendages.)  will tell you is key to the fertilization of the Death Pepper, is not available during the critical vulcanization stage of the Death Pepper.  Ergo, the Death Peppers are only about one million Scoville, nowadays, an almost 50% decrease from a few years ago.  I’ve been toiling away in my lab trying to bioengineer a suitable replacement before the Death Pepper is lost to the World.  Unfortunately, all of the lab rats I’d been using as test subjects have spontaneously combusted so I’ve been forced to take my latest creations to work for my unsuspecting colleagues to test.’

In other action, DaCards! take on the hot Glee-ful Ninjas.  DaCards! owner, Rick, was found celebrating his latest victory.  ‘Things were looking bleak after the first few weeks of the season.  The way my luck was running I didn’t think I’d win a game all season, but all of that changed in week three.  I was standing on the sidelines playing with my nuts, staring another defeat in the face when out of nowhere comes this little furry rodent.  He circled around me a few times as he tried to figure out how to get to my nuts.  Lucky for me I always keep my nut sack secured during a game or I’m sure he would have made off with them.   After his appearance the tide of the game turned and I’ve been winning ever since.  Go Rally Squirrel!’

The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at the Hilltop taking stock of her life as yet another birthday has come and gone.  ‘Where does the time go?  I mean 1985 seems like it was just yesterday.  I feel like I just hit a wall.  I never had it all.  One shot a day.  My dreams just went out the door when I turned 24.  What happened to my plan?  I was gonna be an actress.  I was gonna be a star.  I was gonna shake my ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.  My blue Chevy is now the enemy.  You know I’ve seen all the classics, I know every line.  Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, even St’ Elmos’ Fire (of course the best line belongs to Sixteen Candles , but that doesn’t fit in the song).  I rocked out to Wham, I’m not a big Limp Bizkit fan. I thought I’d get a hand on a member from Duran Duran.  And where’s my mini-skirt made out of snake-skin?  When did reality become TV?  Whatever happened to sitcoms and game shows?  Please make this stop.  And bring back…oh to Hell with it, hears to being one year older…Frederick…get me another shot.’ 

In the Battle for Relevance, the Solar Sunshine and the Little Rascals go at it.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at her Rockport HQ.  ‘After months of training and countless hours on the range, all my hard work has finally paid off.  I’ve been granted that most coveted of titles.  I’m now a licensed double aught agent, 0074.  My double aught statue means I can now act with impunity as I patrol the mean streets of Rockport.  I can taze your ass just for looking at me funny.  Hell, I can even cup you when I frisk you now.  No more back of the hand only BS.  And once I get my Beat Down 300 Tactical Assault flashlight, I’m going to be one mean Muther.  Ain’t no shit gonna go down on my beat.’

Meanwhile over at the Solar Sunshine compound, the coach of the Sunshine, the subdued Susie Soleil, was found mulling her team’s future.  ‘The poor performance of this team has really caused attendance to drop at our games.  We’ve had to start a business on the side just to make ends meet.   Now I’m sure everyone has been through the hassle of having your power go out and still having to get ready for work, be it shaving, curling your hair or even removing that unsightly pet hair from your clothing.  Well, we’re introducing a new line of solar-powered personal grooming products that should alleviate this problem.   We actually have very high hopes for our first product.  My PR department has already come up with an ad campaign, ‘so a tornado knocked your power out yet again, and you with an important business meeting this morning.  Now to top it all off little Fluffy has covered you in cat fur.  Well, not to worry, with the new Solar Sucker 2000 Personal Grooming Vacuum you’ll be clean as a whistle in no time.  Order one today and we’ll be sucking you off tomorrow.’  I really think this will be a hit.’

In a rematch of last year’s Fantasy Championship, the Sunday Savants square off against the Pansies.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at the grand opening of his new business.  ‘With my Fantasy skills in decline, I’ve had to think about other lines of work.  I’ve found if there is one constant in this World it is that everything gets dirty.  And as we all know nothing is self-cleaning, so that means an unending flow of business to the cleaning industry.  There are car washes on almost every corner.  Want your house cleaned; just dial up any number of maid services.  Do you need your business cleaned or even your street or parking lot swept; someone has you covered.  I’ve found one market though that I feel is underserved, the household pet maintenance industry.  Until recently this business was very cost prohibitive, that was until I came up with an innovation that is sure to transform the industry, and which requires very little investment on my part.  I mean why spend all that money on cleaning accessories when every house has a toilet.  You just pick up little Fluffy and do want any school bully would do, you give her a good old fashioned swirly and, voila, one clean cat.  Remember a clean pussy is a happy one.’

Over at the Pansies’ headquarters they are still recovering from their stunning loss last week.  When asked about his questionable coaching decisions that led to his historic loss, the Pansies coach had this to say, ‘I’m not quite sure what happened last week.  Truth be told most of last week is sort of a blur after the tragic accident I had while biking on the Greenway.  I’m not sure what hit me, but I think it may have been a Ganarkel.  Those suckers sure pack a wallop.’