An eerie silence has descended upon the
League as the kick-off to week 8 approaches.
You’ll find this intrepid reporter holed up in the League’s CFDZAC,
which would be the Center for Fantasy Disease and Zombie Apocalypse Control, a
level 5 security zone. While he may be
intrepid, he ain’t stupid. ‘I’ve been
around this League long enough to know that the weirdest shit happens every
Halloween. I’m staying right here with
my box of Twinkies and my trusty Zombie poker until we’re safely into
November,’ said the better safe than sorry League reporter.
Our first match-up involves DaBears! and the struggling
BALLAZ. The coach of the BALLAZ, Biggie
Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is the
Zombies. ‘I’ve got no time for Zombies and all that superstitious Halloween
crap right now. The first pitch is only
minutes away and I’ve got to make sure I’ve got everything just right or the
Cards have no chance. I’ve got my
Cardinal footie pajamas on. I’ve been
wearing these every post-season since I was 13.
I’ve got my rally hat on and the rally squirrel warming up in the
bullpen. Fortunately, I’ve only got the
one squirrel so I don’t have to worry about sending in a left-handed squirrel
to face down a right-handed batter instead of my ace squirrel because that
would just be freeking MORONIC. OF COURSE, MOST IMPORTANTLY I’VE GOT MY
BOTTLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN. THE BOYZ HAVE
NO CHANCE IF I’M FORCED TO DRINK BEER. I’M
ALL SET. LET’S GO CARDS! OH,SHIT!...WHO DRANK MY
RUM…AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!’
DaBears! owner, Rick, was found at his team’s training
facility hiding under his desk. ‘I don’t
know what the Hell is going on around here.
I’ve been troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night.I’ve
experienced feelings of dread in the basement and the attic. I think I’ve even seen a specter or a ghost,
I’m not exactly sure which as I always get those two mixed up. Hell, I’m even afraid to eat. The last time I opened the refrigerator I
heard a voice say ‘Zuul’, you know that just isn’t natural behavior in a major
appliance. It even threatened me. It wanted me to ‘choose the means of my
destruction’ or some such thing. What do
you do in a situation like this? I mean
who you gonna call? All I could think to
do was think of the most harmless thing. Something I’ve loved from my
childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy me. Oh, shit! It’s…it’s….the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man…AAAARRGGGGGGHH!’
The Sunday Savants look to bounce back from their
shellacking as they take on the Little Rascals.
The owner of the
Savants, Justin, was found at hiding behind the bar at a local nightclub. ‘After that ass-kicking I got last week, I
figured the only thing that would get that taste of utter humiliation out of my
mouth would be a beer or 12. I wandered on
into the first place I saw, but I was in no way prepared for what awaited me
inside. I’ve seen the ‘Walking Dead’, that is once it comes out on DVD because
Dish still doesn’t carry AMC the freeking bastards, I know what the damn Undead
look like. And everyone I saw had that same
slow, decrepit gait and that eerie hunger in their eyes of someone who needs to
feed on the youthfulness and life of another.
That’s when I ducked behind the bar for cover. It is calm now, but just wait until the music
starts. It sends them into some kind of
feeding frenzy. Oh God, that’s their
leader. He always gets them all riled
up.
‘Welcome
class of ’77 to Disco Night. Are you
ready to PARRRRTTTTYYYY!’
You see what I mean.
I’m the only one under 50 here.
And now they are coming for me.
NO! NO! Oh, shit! It’s….it’s…the BeeGees….AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!’
The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at her
favorite Halloween haunt, Strictly Undead Shooting. ‘I always like to get a little target
practice in as Halloween approaches. You
can never be to prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse or some other such Undead
uprising. Most people don’t realize that
shooting the Undead requires a bit of skill.
You can’t just go shooting off your piece all willy-nilly at anything
that moves. You’ve got to know what
you’re doing if you want to survive.
Recognition is the key to survival.
Well that and a good semi-automatic.
What happens if you’re walking down the street and you see a group of
vampires coming at you? First, you pull
out your ‘Team Edward’ t-shirt. This
will slow them down long enough for you to get some silver bullets. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean
silver-plated ammo, I mean some Coors Light.
I mean everyone knows really freeking vampires don’t goddamn sparkle so
these are just some stupid ass kids looking to TP your house. Besides, really silver bullets are only good
on werewolves so you’ve got to save those for any of those ‘Team Jacob’
assholes that come around.’
The top-ranked Fright-ful Ninjas take on the Far East
Engineers. The Engineer’s Head Engineer
was found at his top secret research facility where he was working on his
latest invention. ‘All the traveling
I’ve been doing lately got me thinking about all the wasted time involved with
today’s outmoded transportation. I mean
we’re still using airplanes for crissakes, those things are like a hundred
years old. So in my spare time I’m been
working with my Brazilian colleague, Noob, on a much quicker form of
transportation. No longer will you have
to worry about delayed flights or put up with those annoying, yet somewhat
enjoyable, TSA pat-downs. With my new Transmogrifier
4000 you just hop in and WHOOSH, everything
is instantly broken down to a molecular level and beamed to a destination chamber where it is recombobulated. I mean what could possibly go wrong? In fact was about to try it out for the first
time. My colleague is standing by in the
other chamber waiting to be beamed here right now. All I need to do is step inside and make a
last few adjustments.
Oops…<BWA-ZAAPP>…What the?
That can’t be good. Why do I
suddenly have the urge to Samba? Oh,
shit!...I’ve been Noob-ed….AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!
The owner of the Fright-ful Ninjas, Meagan, was found hiding
under her bed. ‘Every year it is the
same thing, Haunted Houses full of vampires, werewolves and zombies scaring the
bejeezus out of people. Pish-posh, on
the Undead and all that crap. All you
need is a good stake, a little salt or a little silver bullet to take one of
them out. Meanwhile, do you hear any one
mentioning the truly evil creatures that are lurking about? Oh no, they’ve got everyone fooled, but not
me. I’m on to them, that’s why they’re
after me. Oh, shit! Here come the little devils now….AAAARRRRGGGGHH!’
The suddenly hot Dismal Darkness face off against the
Pansies. The owner of the Darkness,
Kristy, was found at her Arctic compound.
‘I’ve got my scientific team up here drilling for core samples in the
glaciers. I can use these to determine
the Carbon Dioxide levels that were in the atmosphere thousands of years ago
thereby proving man’s effect on the entirely natural global warming. Unfortunately, my samples have been
contaminated by this sticky black substance.
I’m afraid that we may have stumbled upon some ancient alien virus that
has survived deep in the ice which could infect humans allowing them to assume
control of their body. This alien life
force could then reproduce allowing it to infect others allowing it to conquer
the world. I’m awaiting word now from my
science team on the origins of this substance.
Oh, shit!... it’s worse than I could have ever imagined…it’s….OIL….AAAARRRGGHHHH!
Meanwhile at the Pansies’ Headquarters, ‘Darkness falls
across the land. The midnight hour is
close at hand. Creatures crawl in search
of blood to terrorize y’all’s neighborhood.
The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years. And grizzly ghouls from every tomb are
closing in to seal your doom. And though
you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can
resist the evil of the Thriller. Oh, shit!
It’s…it’s…Michael Jackson…AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!
No comments:
Post a Comment