Week 9 - November 6, 2011

It is hard to believe that October has come and gone and November is already upon us.  And as week 9 approaches that can mean only one thing.  The pre-Holiday Black Friday Sneak Preview Midnight Madness One Day Sales start this weekend.  So hurry, these deals will only last for the next three weeks.   Of course November also means everyone’s favorite day is near, that one day that represents all the avarice, gluttony and debauchery that America is famous for.  That’s right; Election Day is just around the corner.  And in that spirit our intrepid reporter was found at his favorite pole-ing station preparing his latest report so please forgive any typos as the dim lighting, glitter and shimmying make it hard to concentrate.

The week kicks-off with the Far East Engineers look to get back on track against the Little Rascals.  The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at his top secret Medical Research facility.  ‘These past few weeks I’ve found it harder to forecast the performance of my players.  My perception of the Fantasy future is blurred and out of focus.  As a consequence, I’ve loaded up my team with underperforming hacks instead of stud Fantasy performers.  To remedy this I’ve decided to undergo a surgical procedure that will restore my Fantasy vision to 20/20.  This is procedure that was pioneered here at my Medical Research facility utilizes a laser to reconfigure the Fantasy centers of the brain allowing it to pinpoint future Fantasy top performers.  After I’ve undergone the Abell’s Subcranial in Situ Laser Inducing Competitive Kinesiology, ASSLICK, procedure my team will be back in the hunt for a Championship.’

Meanwhile, at the Rascal’s team compound head coach, Ashley, was found celebrating her continued ‘owning’ of the Savants.  ‘I’ve heard some people are questioning the legitimacy of my recent victory.  Now some may find it suspicious that the Savants chose to start two players with big ‘O’s after their names, especially following the infamous ‘Little Wiggler’ incident from last year.  However, I want to state for the record that at no time have I ever had to resort to threats of bodily harm to beat the puny Savants.  Also, I unequivocally deny any knowledge of the alleged ‘spray booth tazing’ incident that is rumored to have occurred last Friday involving the coach of the Savants and an unknown assailant.  In fact I’m pretty sure I was in the middle of my Restorative Relaxation class whenever this alleged event happened.’

In the Hellenic Game of the Week, the slumping Sunday Savants look to be in line for another ass-whooping as they face their Fantasy Achilles’ Heel, a female owner, when they face the Glee-ful Ninjas.  The Savants owner, Justin, was found recovering from taser burns at his team compound.  ‘Now some may be questioning my manhood after losing yet again to a lady.  However, while Fantasy sports were once a bastion of testosterone and male domination that has changed in the last few years.  No longer should women be mocked and ridiculed when they take part in Fantasy sports.  They are just as capable as men when it comes to the ability to discern Fantasy performance.  Of course, I’ve found as the line has blurred in Fantasy sports it has also blurred in other activities that were once deemed to be a ‘woman’s activity’.  This has opened up the possibility for me to finally be able to pursue a life-long dream of mine and join the Sunflower Girls.’

Meanwhile, the owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found preparing for her latest feat of athletic prowess.  ‘After conquering the ‘5K from Hell’ zoo run and a puny half-marathon, the only thing left was to try and do something truly Monumental.  After watching the movie 300, eating gyros and drinking ouzo one night I became inspired and as the spirit of Pheidippides overcame me I vowed to run to a Marathon.  However, I have since learned that Pheidippides did not run to the nearest convenience store to get a bag of Cheetos because he had the munchies as I had thought.  Instead he ran freeking 26 miles just to bring the latest news to the King and then he up and died.  This really put a damper on the whole emulate Pheidippides thing.  Alas, I had made my vow and I would see it through to the end.  I also found out that carb-loading is essential to any pre-Marathon regimen and I’m up for anything that gives me an excuse to drink more beer.  So it’s off to Indy I go for glory and beer.’

In other action the BALLAZ look to stop their slide to oblivion against the Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s featured artist is Dweezil Zappa.  Mr. Small could be found writing ‘I will not start a player with a big ‘O’ after his name’ on the club’s blackboard 100 times.  ‘I’VE BEEN TOLD RECENTLY THAT MY FANTASY IS SO BAD I’D EVEN SCREW UP A WET DREAM.   IT SEEMS THAT WHILE PARTICIPATING IN FANTASY IT IS IMPORTANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHETHER OR NOT THERE HAS BEEN A BIG ‘O’ AT ANY POINT .  I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT BY RECOGNIZING WHEN A BIG ‘O’ HAS OCCURRED AND REPOSITIONING THE BOYZ TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS I MIGHT GREATLY ENHANCE MY FANTASY PERFORMANCE.  ALSO, IF I WISH TO CONTINUE WITH FANTASY IN THE FUTURE AND NOT END UP ON THE COUCH, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO CUDDLE WITH THE PLAYER AFTER THE BIG ‘O’.  I’M NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT THAT LAST PART, BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH ANY OF THESE DIRECTIONS WILL RESULT IN MY PLAYING FANTASY BY MYSELF.’ 

Meanwhile, Darkness has descended on her Artic compound where we find their owner, Kristy, preparing for the upcoming Season.  ‘With Halloween come and gone, it is time to head up to the Great White North and make sure my ELFs are ready for the upcoming season.  What?  Am I getting the Elves ready for Christmas? Hell no, it is the first week of November for crissakes.  Why the Hell would I want to start getting ready for Christmas now?  I didn’t say Elves, I said ELFs, Endoran Lap Fuggles.  They come from Endor just like Ewoks only they aren’t as freeking annoying.  While the Ewoks lived in the jungle, the ELFs lived in the Polar Regions.  How could you not love a face like that, I mean look at them, they’re so FLUFFY!’

In this Clash of the Titans, DaBears! square off against the Mighty Pansies. DaBears! seem to have finally gotten things turned around.  DaBears! owner, Rick, had this to say about his team’s recent success, ‘Ever since I brought Mad Dog out of retirement my team seems to have gotten a little jolt.  Now some of this may be due to Mad Dog’s penchant for using an electric cattle prod at practice, but I think it has more to do with his ability to lead by examples.  Why just this week he wanted to make an example out of D-Bowe who had a less than stellar week for a big time WR.  Now castration may seem a bit severe for one sub-par performance, but is that really too much to ask for in the pursuit of a Championship.  In the end I persuaded Mad Dog that lopping off his balls would probably hurt his ability to go deep and may not be in the best interest of the team.  However, I will say that we really good have used a nice falsetto voice to help with the National Anthem.’ 

Meanwhile over at his Campaign headquarters, the Pansies’ owner is preparing for his run for Fantasy Mayor.  ‘I’ve grown sick and tired of these poor excuses for candidates and finally decided to throw my hat into the ring.  As we’re the fattest city in the country I figured by offering a ‘Chicken in every pot’, I’d be sure to get a large percentage of the vote.  However, I learned that that slogan had been used before so I thought of catering to the other segment of the population that we seem to lead the Nation in, Meth-heads.  I figured offering a ‘Meth lab in every pot’ would surely garner me enough votes to be elected, but then I took into account that most of that constituency would be too blitzed to even find a polling station.  Since pandering seems to be out, I guess I’ll be forced to campaign on actually issues.  I took a look at the biggest issues; Robert’s Stadium, sewers and jobs, and have come up with what I believe will solve all of the problems at the same time.  The debate around the Stadium seems to be whether or not to turn it into a Natatorium or tear it down.  Now, what is the most important part of a Natatorium?  I’ll tell you what, water.  Now why is the Southside bitching about the need for sewers?  I’ll tell you why, too much water.  I can see the wheels in your head spinning now.  You’re asking yourself, ‘well if the Southside has an abundance of water and a Natatorium needs water, why not build a Natatorium on the Southside?’  You see though, that leaves out the third component ‘jobs’.  What I propose is giving all the unemployed shovels with which they can now dig a long ditch from the Southside to Robert’s Stadium for all the Combined Sewer Overflow runoff and, voila, a Natatorium.  All our problems are solved.  Now you may ask, ‘isn’t CSO runoff full of all kinds of dangerous bacteria and other shit, literally, which may prove hazardous to the kids who are swimming in it?’  You’ve forgetting one thing, though; these are public school kids we’re talking about here.  You wouldn’t believe the kind of crap their immune system has built up a tolerance to.’