Week 10 - November 13, 2011

As we march deeper into November, the Playoffs loom larger and larger and the pressure ratchets up.  So in order to help ease the pressure, your intrepid reporter would like to offer up a little joke:

A Leprechaun is walking past a construction site when he’s approached by the big burly foreman.  The foreman says, ‘Hey Leprechaun, you grant wishes don’t you?’  To which the Leprechaun replies, ‘Faith and Begorrah, what kind of wee folk would I be if I didn’t grant a wish?’   So the foreman says…

< Alert >

We interrupt this Newsletter to bring you an Emergency Alert message from the Commish.

                ‘This is not a test; this is an actual Fantasy Emergency.  Last week’s games were a pathetic attempt at Fantasy competition.  With only four weeks left in the season everyone is still in contention for the Playoffs.  However, it appears some teams have already started their off-season.  There needs to be some serious Fantasizing going on this week and not that weak ass scoring that went on last week.  This League was designed to be Offensive.  There’s no fun in some low scoring defensive battle.  If there isn’t more Offensive-ness this week I’ll be forced to step in and take matters into my own hands.  If I have to pull over and stop this League, I will, and you’ll be sorry.’

We now return to your regularly scheduled Newsletter.

…and the last we see of the Leprechaun he’s walking off with a goat as he looks back at a midget in a hard hat.  You get it?  I love that joke.  And now on to this week’s action. 

Our first match-up this week features two teams mired in mediocrity with the Savants squaring off against the Engineers.  The coach of the Savants, Justin, was found at his team training complex.  ‘Even with the daily triathlon and weight training, try as I might I still can’t manage to get my body fat out of the ‘super-naturally fit’ category and into ‘God-like’.  Recently, I’ve been turned on to a new work-out craze, fart-licks.  I know, I was a bit skeptical at first, but I’ve been told it works wonders.  I’ve been using this method during my work outs this past week and I must admit it has left a bad taste in my mouth.  I’m not quite sure what those Swedes were thinking when they came up with this.  What was that?  It isn’t fart-licks.  It’s Fartlek.  Oh jeez, somebody get me some mouthwash.’

Meanwhile over at the Engineer’s Advanced Research Facility, the Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, is hard at work on his next project.  ‘Toiling away in the lab every week coming up with the latest in cutting edge technology is hard work.  So every once in a while I like to get away from it all and recharge my batteries, so to speak.  In fact I spent the past week deep in the Brazilian jungle with my good pal Sparky looking for the ever elusive Big-boobied, bare-breasted tittysapien, a very rare species.  Anything for the advancement of science, you know.  Due to the remoteness of the search, I was unable to hook up to a power grid.  As a consequence, I was without the trappings of modern civilization, mainly a wireless connection and cold beer.  This would explain my sitting a QB in the midst of one of the greatest seasons of all time and starting a crippled WR.  To insure this never happens again, I’ve been working on an environmentally friendly, renewable, highly portable energy supply.  With my new ‘cavia porcellus’ generator, I’ll never have to drink a warm beer again.’   

Our next match-up features some hot girl-on-girl action as the Glee-ful Ninjas look to lick the Little Rascals.  The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found patrolling the streets of Rockport.  ‘Being a public servant is a thankless task, why just the other day I pulled some joker over and he said ‘since he was a taxpayer that I actually work for him, so I should go get him a glass of water.’  Can you believe the nerve?  One blow to his kidneys with my tactical assault flashlight wiped the smile right off his face though.  Even with the thanklessness there are some perks that come with the job.  For instance, Wednesday is ‘Taze a Transient Day’, it’s just one way we keep Rockport a peaceful little burg.  You don’t want those lazy bums to get too comfortable around town.  A couple of zaps gets them moving right on through town to Reo.’

Meanwhile the Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found making her way to a Bob Seger concert.  ‘I hope You’ll Accomp’ny Me down to Mainstreet and the Ford Center.  I don’t know why anyone would build an Arena downtown.  It feels like I’ve had to walk from Katmandu, Against the Wind, the whole way.  Maybe if I had something with a Fire Inside or The Fire Down Below I wouldn’t freeze to death, oh well, C’est La Vie. We’ll probably fall victim to some Shakedown by a mugger’s Night Moves and you’ll have to Roll Me Away to the nearest hospital anyway.  If only I had something for protection Like a Rock then I’d be Satified I would live to see Tomorrow.  It’s my Understanding that In Your Time this was popular music, but it seems like Old Time Rock and Roll to me.  I’d just like to forget this whole night but Chances Are I’ll still remember this Tomorrow because Rock and Roll Never Forgets.’

The Darkness who looks to have gotten things turned around goes up against DaBears!  The owner of DaBears!, Rick, was found hiding under his desk.  ‘I must say that bringing back the most fearsome coach to ever prowl the sidelines sounded like a good idea at the time.  And while I’m not complaining about the three game winning streak or the #1 ranking in the Power poll I’m not quite sure I’m ready to buy into Mad Dog’s brand of football.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about his hard-nosed style of play.  I’m talking about the fact that he’s running around the compound with a freeking branding iron putting his mark on everybody.’

Meanwhile, the owner of the Darkness, Kristy, was found at a fundraiser for her favorite charity.  ‘As an animal lover I like to do what I can to help with the cat overpopulation problem.   While there are programs like the Neuter Scooter which strive to control the stray cat problem through spay and neutering, we find the image of a knife wielding motorcycle gang a bit disturbing when thinking about the fate of those cute little furballs.  So here at the SPCA, Suckers for Pussy Cat Adorations, we use a different approach to the stray cat problem.  We’ve found that education and access to inexpensive means of birth control will lead to the stray cats making informed decisions concerning their reproductive habits and release them back into the wild.  Oh, who am I kidding?  How can you let something as cute as Miss Pickles live outside?  She’s so FLUFFY!’

The BALLAZ try to reverse their slide into oblivion when they meet the Mighty Pansies.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where the headline act is Zamfir.  ‘This season has certainly taking a turn for the worse.  I mean how can you lose to a team that has ‘Dismal’ in their freeking name?  It has gotten so bad that I can’t even get any decent acts to come perform at my club.  I’ve had to settle for some freak with a pan flute.  And even then I had to agree to buy 100 copies of his album.  And what the Hell is pan flute anyway?  It doesn’t look anything like a pan for crissakes.  Jeez, I need a drink.’

Meanwhile the owner of the Pansies was trying to figure out his next move after his disappointing showing in the recent Mayoral election.  ‘Looking back, I guess pinning one’s hopes on a write-in campaign in a city with a failing school system it might have been just a bit too optimistic to think that the electorate could actually spell.  It may all be for the best anyway.  I’ve decided to set my sights on an even higher office.  No, not Pope.  Although the thought of having unlimited access to all those ‘Pope Bucks’ is quite appealing, I was thinking of the office of President.  I mean have you seen the clowns that are running?  It seems all you have to do is come up with the most outlandish idea you can think of and you shoot to the top of the polls.  And while I’ve been known to come up with a few wild ideas in my time I may have to work to compete.  I mean, one candidate swears all she has to do is wave her magic wand or some such thing and we’ll have two dollar gas again. Hell, one guy has even made sexual harassment into an effective fund raising scheme.  If going around groping co-workers is all that it takes I think I’ll start ‘campaigning’ next week.’          

 

  

Week 9 - November 6, 2011

It is hard to believe that October has come and gone and November is already upon us.  And as week 9 approaches that can mean only one thing.  The pre-Holiday Black Friday Sneak Preview Midnight Madness One Day Sales start this weekend.  So hurry, these deals will only last for the next three weeks.   Of course November also means everyone’s favorite day is near, that one day that represents all the avarice, gluttony and debauchery that America is famous for.  That’s right; Election Day is just around the corner.  And in that spirit our intrepid reporter was found at his favorite pole-ing station preparing his latest report so please forgive any typos as the dim lighting, glitter and shimmying make it hard to concentrate.

The week kicks-off with the Far East Engineers look to get back on track against the Little Rascals.  The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at his top secret Medical Research facility.  ‘These past few weeks I’ve found it harder to forecast the performance of my players.  My perception of the Fantasy future is blurred and out of focus.  As a consequence, I’ve loaded up my team with underperforming hacks instead of stud Fantasy performers.  To remedy this I’ve decided to undergo a surgical procedure that will restore my Fantasy vision to 20/20.  This is procedure that was pioneered here at my Medical Research facility utilizes a laser to reconfigure the Fantasy centers of the brain allowing it to pinpoint future Fantasy top performers.  After I’ve undergone the Abell’s Subcranial in Situ Laser Inducing Competitive Kinesiology, ASSLICK, procedure my team will be back in the hunt for a Championship.’

Meanwhile, at the Rascal’s team compound head coach, Ashley, was found celebrating her continued ‘owning’ of the Savants.  ‘I’ve heard some people are questioning the legitimacy of my recent victory.  Now some may find it suspicious that the Savants chose to start two players with big ‘O’s after their names, especially following the infamous ‘Little Wiggler’ incident from last year.  However, I want to state for the record that at no time have I ever had to resort to threats of bodily harm to beat the puny Savants.  Also, I unequivocally deny any knowledge of the alleged ‘spray booth tazing’ incident that is rumored to have occurred last Friday involving the coach of the Savants and an unknown assailant.  In fact I’m pretty sure I was in the middle of my Restorative Relaxation class whenever this alleged event happened.’

In the Hellenic Game of the Week, the slumping Sunday Savants look to be in line for another ass-whooping as they face their Fantasy Achilles’ Heel, a female owner, when they face the Glee-ful Ninjas.  The Savants owner, Justin, was found recovering from taser burns at his team compound.  ‘Now some may be questioning my manhood after losing yet again to a lady.  However, while Fantasy sports were once a bastion of testosterone and male domination that has changed in the last few years.  No longer should women be mocked and ridiculed when they take part in Fantasy sports.  They are just as capable as men when it comes to the ability to discern Fantasy performance.  Of course, I’ve found as the line has blurred in Fantasy sports it has also blurred in other activities that were once deemed to be a ‘woman’s activity’.  This has opened up the possibility for me to finally be able to pursue a life-long dream of mine and join the Sunflower Girls.’

Meanwhile, the owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found preparing for her latest feat of athletic prowess.  ‘After conquering the ‘5K from Hell’ zoo run and a puny half-marathon, the only thing left was to try and do something truly Monumental.  After watching the movie 300, eating gyros and drinking ouzo one night I became inspired and as the spirit of Pheidippides overcame me I vowed to run to a Marathon.  However, I have since learned that Pheidippides did not run to the nearest convenience store to get a bag of Cheetos because he had the munchies as I had thought.  Instead he ran freeking 26 miles just to bring the latest news to the King and then he up and died.  This really put a damper on the whole emulate Pheidippides thing.  Alas, I had made my vow and I would see it through to the end.  I also found out that carb-loading is essential to any pre-Marathon regimen and I’m up for anything that gives me an excuse to drink more beer.  So it’s off to Indy I go for glory and beer.’

In other action the BALLAZ look to stop their slide to oblivion against the Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s featured artist is Dweezil Zappa.  Mr. Small could be found writing ‘I will not start a player with a big ‘O’ after his name’ on the club’s blackboard 100 times.  ‘I’VE BEEN TOLD RECENTLY THAT MY FANTASY IS SO BAD I’D EVEN SCREW UP A WET DREAM.   IT SEEMS THAT WHILE PARTICIPATING IN FANTASY IT IS IMPORTANT TO PAY ATTENTION TO WHETHER OR NOT THERE HAS BEEN A BIG ‘O’ AT ANY POINT .  I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT BY RECOGNIZING WHEN A BIG ‘O’ HAS OCCURRED AND REPOSITIONING THE BOYZ TO ACCOUNT FOR THIS I MIGHT GREATLY ENHANCE MY FANTASY PERFORMANCE.  ALSO, IF I WISH TO CONTINUE WITH FANTASY IN THE FUTURE AND NOT END UP ON THE COUCH, IT WILL BE NECESSARY TO CUDDLE WITH THE PLAYER AFTER THE BIG ‘O’.  I’M NOT QUITE SURE ABOUT THAT LAST PART, BUT I’VE BEEN TOLD THAT FAILURE TO COMPLY WITH ANY OF THESE DIRECTIONS WILL RESULT IN MY PLAYING FANTASY BY MYSELF.’ 

Meanwhile, Darkness has descended on her Artic compound where we find their owner, Kristy, preparing for the upcoming Season.  ‘With Halloween come and gone, it is time to head up to the Great White North and make sure my ELFs are ready for the upcoming season.  What?  Am I getting the Elves ready for Christmas? Hell no, it is the first week of November for crissakes.  Why the Hell would I want to start getting ready for Christmas now?  I didn’t say Elves, I said ELFs, Endoran Lap Fuggles.  They come from Endor just like Ewoks only they aren’t as freeking annoying.  While the Ewoks lived in the jungle, the ELFs lived in the Polar Regions.  How could you not love a face like that, I mean look at them, they’re so FLUFFY!’

In this Clash of the Titans, DaBears! square off against the Mighty Pansies. DaBears! seem to have finally gotten things turned around.  DaBears! owner, Rick, had this to say about his team’s recent success, ‘Ever since I brought Mad Dog out of retirement my team seems to have gotten a little jolt.  Now some of this may be due to Mad Dog’s penchant for using an electric cattle prod at practice, but I think it has more to do with his ability to lead by examples.  Why just this week he wanted to make an example out of D-Bowe who had a less than stellar week for a big time WR.  Now castration may seem a bit severe for one sub-par performance, but is that really too much to ask for in the pursuit of a Championship.  In the end I persuaded Mad Dog that lopping off his balls would probably hurt his ability to go deep and may not be in the best interest of the team.  However, I will say that we really good have used a nice falsetto voice to help with the National Anthem.’ 

Meanwhile over at his Campaign headquarters, the Pansies’ owner is preparing for his run for Fantasy Mayor.  ‘I’ve grown sick and tired of these poor excuses for candidates and finally decided to throw my hat into the ring.  As we’re the fattest city in the country I figured by offering a ‘Chicken in every pot’, I’d be sure to get a large percentage of the vote.  However, I learned that that slogan had been used before so I thought of catering to the other segment of the population that we seem to lead the Nation in, Meth-heads.  I figured offering a ‘Meth lab in every pot’ would surely garner me enough votes to be elected, but then I took into account that most of that constituency would be too blitzed to even find a polling station.  Since pandering seems to be out, I guess I’ll be forced to campaign on actually issues.  I took a look at the biggest issues; Robert’s Stadium, sewers and jobs, and have come up with what I believe will solve all of the problems at the same time.  The debate around the Stadium seems to be whether or not to turn it into a Natatorium or tear it down.  Now, what is the most important part of a Natatorium?  I’ll tell you what, water.  Now why is the Southside bitching about the need for sewers?  I’ll tell you why, too much water.  I can see the wheels in your head spinning now.  You’re asking yourself, ‘well if the Southside has an abundance of water and a Natatorium needs water, why not build a Natatorium on the Southside?’  You see though, that leaves out the third component ‘jobs’.  What I propose is giving all the unemployed shovels with which they can now dig a long ditch from the Southside to Robert’s Stadium for all the Combined Sewer Overflow runoff and, voila, a Natatorium.  All our problems are solved.  Now you may ask, ‘isn’t CSO runoff full of all kinds of dangerous bacteria and other shit, literally, which may prove hazardous to the kids who are swimming in it?’  You’ve forgetting one thing, though; these are public school kids we’re talking about here.  You wouldn’t believe the kind of crap their immune system has built up a tolerance to.’