Week 8 - October 30, 2011

An eerie silence has descended upon the League as the kick-off to week 8 approaches.  You’ll find this intrepid reporter holed up in the League’s CFDZAC, which would be the Center for Fantasy Disease and Zombie Apocalypse Control, a level 5 security zone.  While he may be intrepid, he ain’t stupid.  ‘I’ve been around this League long enough to know that the weirdest shit happens every Halloween.  I’m staying right here with my box of Twinkies and my trusty Zombie poker until we’re safely into November,’ said the better safe than sorry League reporter.

Our first match-up involves DaBears! and the struggling BALLAZ.  The coach of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is the Zombies.  ‘I’ve got no time for Zombies and all that superstitious Halloween crap right now.  The first pitch is only minutes away and I’ve got to make sure I’ve got everything just right or the Cards have no chance.  I’ve got my Cardinal footie pajamas on.  I’ve been wearing these every post-season since I was 13.  I’ve got my rally hat on and the rally squirrel warming up in the bullpen.  Fortunately, I’ve only got the one squirrel so I don’t have to worry about sending in a left-handed squirrel to face down a right-handed batter instead of my ace squirrel because that would just be freeking MORONIC.   OF COURSE, MOST IMPORTANTLY I’VE GOT MY BOTTLE OF CAPTAIN MORGAN.  THE BOYZ HAVE NO CHANCE IF I’M FORCED TO DRINK BEER.  I’M ALL SET.  LET’S GO CARDS!  OH,SHIT!...WHO DRANK MY RUM…AAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!’

DaBears! owner, Rick, was found at his team’s training facility hiding under his desk.  ‘I don’t know what the Hell is going on around here.  I’ve been troubled by strange noises in the middle of the night.I’ve experienced feelings of dread in the basement and the attic.  I think I’ve even seen a specter or a ghost, I’m not exactly sure which as I always get those two mixed up.  Hell, I’m even afraid to eat.  The last time I opened the refrigerator I heard a voice say ‘Zuul’, you know that just isn’t natural behavior in a major appliance.  It even threatened me.  It wanted me to ‘choose the means of my destruction’ or some such thing.  What do you do in a situation like this?  I mean who you gonna call?  All I could think to do was think of the most harmless thing. Something I’ve loved from my childhood. Something that could never ever possibly destroy me. Oh, shit!  It’s…it’s….the Stay Puft Marshmellow Man…AAAARRGGGGGGHH!’

The Sunday Savants look to bounce back from their shellacking as they take on the Little Rascals.

 The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at hiding behind the bar at a local nightclub.  ‘After that ass-kicking I got last week, I figured the only thing that would get that taste of utter humiliation out of my mouth would be a beer or 12.  I wandered on into the first place I saw, but I was in no way prepared for what awaited me inside. I’ve seen the ‘Walking Dead’, that is once it comes out on DVD because Dish still doesn’t carry AMC the freeking bastards, I know what the damn Undead look like.  And everyone I saw had that same slow, decrepit gait and that eerie hunger in their eyes of someone who needs to feed on the youthfulness and life of another.  That’s when I ducked behind the bar for cover.  It is calm now, but just wait until the music starts.  It sends them into some kind of feeding frenzy.   Oh God, that’s their leader.  He always gets them all riled up.

                ‘Welcome class of ’77 to Disco Night.  Are you ready to PARRRRTTTTYYYY!’

You see what I mean.  I’m the only one under 50 here.  And now they are coming for me.  NO! NO!   Oh, shit!  It’s….it’s…the BeeGees….AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!’

The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at her favorite Halloween haunt, Strictly Undead Shooting.  ‘I always like to get a little target practice in as Halloween approaches.  You can never be to prepared for the Zombie Apocalypse or some other such Undead uprising.  Most people don’t realize that shooting the Undead requires a bit of skill.  You can’t just go shooting off your piece all willy-nilly at anything that moves.  You’ve got to know what you’re doing if you want to survive.  Recognition is the key to survival.  Well that and a good semi-automatic.  What happens if you’re walking down the street and you see a group of vampires coming at you?  First, you pull out your ‘Team Edward’ t-shirt.  This will slow them down long enough for you to get some silver bullets.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean silver-plated ammo, I mean some Coors Light.  I mean everyone knows really freeking vampires don’t goddamn sparkle so these are just some stupid ass kids looking to TP your house.  Besides, really silver bullets are only good on werewolves so you’ve got to save those for any of those ‘Team Jacob’ assholes that come around.’

The top-ranked Fright-ful Ninjas take on the Far East Engineers.  The Engineer’s Head Engineer was found at his top secret research facility where he was working on his latest invention.   ‘All the traveling I’ve been doing lately got me thinking about all the wasted time involved with today’s outmoded transportation.  I mean we’re still using airplanes for crissakes, those things are like a hundred years old.  So in my spare time I’m been working with my Brazilian colleague, Noob, on a much quicker form of transportation.  No longer will you have to worry about delayed flights or put up with those annoying, yet somewhat enjoyable, TSA pat-downs.  With my new Transmogrifier 4000 you just hop in and WHOOSH, everything  is instantly broken down to a molecular level and beamed to a destination  chamber where it is recombobulated.  I mean what could possibly go wrong?  In fact was about to try it out for the first time.  My colleague is standing by in the other chamber waiting to be beamed here right now.  All I need to do is step inside and make a last few adjustments.  Oops…<BWA-ZAAPP>…What the?  That can’t be good.  Why do I suddenly have the urge to Samba?  Oh, shit!...I’ve been Noob-ed….AAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!         

The owner of the Fright-ful Ninjas, Meagan, was found hiding under her bed.  ‘Every year it is the same thing, Haunted Houses full of vampires, werewolves and zombies scaring the bejeezus out of people.  Pish-posh, on the Undead and all that crap.  All you need is a good stake, a little salt or a little silver bullet to take one of them out.  Meanwhile, do you hear any one mentioning the truly evil creatures that are lurking about?  Oh no, they’ve got everyone fooled, but not me.  I’m on to them, that’s why they’re after me.  Oh, shit!  Here come the little devils now….AAAARRRRGGGGHH!’    

The suddenly hot Dismal Darkness face off against the Pansies.  The owner of the Darkness, Kristy, was found at her Arctic compound.  ‘I’ve got my scientific team up here drilling for core samples in the glaciers.  I can use these to determine the Carbon Dioxide levels that were in the atmosphere thousands of years ago thereby proving man’s effect on the entirely natural global warming.  Unfortunately, my samples have been contaminated by this sticky black substance.  I’m afraid that we may have stumbled upon some ancient alien virus that has survived deep in the ice which could infect humans allowing them to assume control of their body.  This alien life force could then reproduce allowing it to infect others allowing it to conquer the world.  I’m awaiting word now from my science team on the origins of this substance.  Oh, shit!... it’s worse than I could have ever imagined…it’s….OIL….AAAARRRGGHHHH!      

Meanwhile at the Pansies’ Headquarters, ‘Darkness falls across the land.   The midnight hour is close at hand.  Creatures crawl in search of blood to terrorize y’all’s neighborhood.  The foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years.  And grizzly ghouls from every tomb are closing in to seal your doom.  And though you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can resist the evil of the Thriller.  Oh, shit!  It’s…it’s…Michael Jackson…AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!

Week 7 - October 10, 2011

Week 7 marks the halfway point of the Fantasy season, and by now you’ve had time to determine just what type of team you’ve got to work with as the Season hits the stretch run.  So as the blustery, rainy, downright nasty day dawns you are taken back to the warm and sunny day of your youth lo those many weeks ago when the League conducted its Draft, and you’re left to ask yourself, ‘why the Hell did I draft this steaming pile of monkey shit? And where can I get the recipe to that delicious Dump Cake?’

First up this week are the Sunday Savants and the disappointing Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, has seen more ups and downs than a yo-yo this year as his longest win streak this year

stands at one.  Asked how he expects to rebound from his disappointing start he replied, ‘I’ve definitely noticed a drop-off in performance this year.  It used to be easy for me to get up for a game, but as I’ve gotten older I find it more difficult to rise to the occasion.  I’d never condone the use of illegal means to help improve performance.  However, I’m not above using a ‘supplement’ to enhance my performance.  Luckily I just happen to have a hefty supply of Nitric Oxide tablets that I’ve been able to use too help boost my team’s work-outs.  I used to use them when I worked out.  No really, I did.  Seriously, they were for work-outs.  Stop smirking.’   

Meanwhile at the once bright and sunny Solar Sunshine a dismal darkness has swept over the team.  The coach of the Sunshine, a subdued Susie Soleil, had this to say, ‘the environmental movement seems to be losing steam.  The Congress is staging an all-out assault on environmental regulations, and big business is racing to exploit the last of our pristine wilderness.  I’ve been watching these ‘Occupy’ protests and it has given me an idea to help bring attention back to saving this planet.  I’ve flown up here to the Bush in Alaska to start my own protest movement.  I’ve asked my PR department to come up with a catchy slogan to rival that of the ‘Occupy’ movement.  I think this new movement has a chance to really take off, so I’m asking everyone to get out and ‘Come Fill my Bush.’’     

The BALLAZ look to end their skid when they take on the Squirrel-y Ninjas.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Max was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week Limp Bizkit is performing.  Asked about his disappointing results so far this Season, he had this to say, ‘the other teams in this League you all think you’re special.  You do, I can see it in your eyes.  I can see it when you laugh at me.  Look down on me.  You walk around on me.  Well, I’ve had enough of this and now I’m pissed.  This time I’m a let it all come out.  This time I’m a stand up and shout.  I’m a do things my way.’

The Squirrel-y Ninjas coach, Meagan, was found in the tight confines of Busch Stadium where she was rooting on her beloved Cardinals.  ‘Things looked a little bleak for the Redbirds at one point this post-season, but that all changed once I figured out the secret to their success.  Now, some want to ascribe all the success to the Rally Squirrel, but I beg to differ.  I’ve found that the success of the team is directly related to the amount of clothing I’m wearing.  I’d noticed that the players tended to lose focus at times during games, and that these lapses coincided with me not wearing my shirt.  I’d put my shirt on, and things would turn around again.  Well I figured if taking off my shirt had such a dramatic effect on the Cards what could I do to distract their opponent?  So I’m here in the Rangers dugout to unleash my secret weapon - wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.  GO CARDS!’

The Little Rascals face off against the DaBears!  The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at the team’s shooting range where she was asked how she felt about the Season so far, ‘Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention (although taking a crippled kicker and a bobble-headed QB are definitely worth mentioning).  I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.  I’ve laughed and cried.  I’ve had my fill, my share of losing and now as tears subside I find it all so amusing.  Yes, there were times I’m sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew.  But through it all when there was doubt I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all and I stood tall and did it My way.’

Over at DaBears! team complex, a big shakeup is in the works, ‘this team has been underperforming all year.  I may not have what it takes to take this team to the next level, but I think I know someone who just might,’ said team owner, Rick.  ‘This man is a living Fantasy legend.  His exploits are renowned the World over.  Unfortunately, he cut all ties with this Fantasy realm and has not been seen or heard from since.  However, I’ve had my scouts out searching far and wide, from the Shores of the Wabash to the Hills of Tennessee and I’ve just received word that my search has been successful.  This team is about to get the jolt it needs to put us over the top.’

                ‘Where the Hell is this panty-wasted, piss-poor excuse for a team?  Get your lazy asses in here! 

                You’re a Goddamn disgrace to the name Bears!’ screamed the long lost Mad Dog Hupp.

‘Lord help us all,’ uttered, Rick.

In this battle of division leaders, the Far East Engineers square off against the Mighty Pansies.  The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer was found hard at work in his top secret hydroponics’ lab where he was putting the finishing touches on his latest creation, ‘While my lab-grown ‘Death Pepper’ has shown the desired punch it doesn’t have quite the longevity that I would like.  It seems to lose its potency rather quickly and struggles to take root so I’m looking at increasing its lifespan by cross-breeding it with more hearty and hard to kill genomes.  I’ve found that by combining it with Kudzu I can create a ‘Death Pepper’ that has become almost impossible to stop as it creeps along, over-coming all obstacles in front of it.  To increase its potency I’m focusing on its interaction with the sinus cavity which as we all know is probably the second most affected orifice when it comes to the ingestion of ‘Death Peppers’.  Also, I’ve found that by adding just a dash of H1N1 virus to the “Death Pepper’ the potency is increased ten-fold as it attacks the sinuses and unleashes a case of the snots like you wouldn’t believe. Because of its almost maniacal drive to quench its insatiable desire to spread and the almost brain-rotting potency of my latest creation I’ve decided to dub it the ‘Undead Pepper’.  Of course, the one problem I’ve got now is testing these little death bombs.  My co-workers seem to have gotten wise to my little pepper tastings and have become more reluctant to partake in my tests.  Lucky for me I decided to locate my top secret facility next to an animal preserve in the rural Midwest, this has provided me with an unlimited supply of unwitting subjects.  Some may frown on my testing these genetically altered ‘Undead Peppers’ on animals.  However, these animals are kept secure in their cages at all times and short of the pepper somehow mutating by coming into contact with some disease that could jump species thereby having some unforeseen consequence in humans I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.’

 Meanwhile at the Pansies team headquarters and animal preserve located in the rural Midwest, the team’s janitor is going about his nightly rounds.  ‘Now where the Hell did my keys get to?  I just had them here by the monkey cage a minute ago.  Hey, how’d you get out?  Oh, shit!’

Week 6 - October 16, 2011

Week 6 finds us at halfway through the month of October and that means the temperature outside is slowly starting to fall.  So as you are huddled over your computer adjusting your Fantasy roster while shaking uncontrollably you’re left to ponder the question, ‘Should I finally turn on the furnace or am I just suffering from deep-fried sugar withdraw from last week’s Fall Festival?’

The first matchup of the week features the Far East Engineers facing off against the BALLAZ.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found drowning his sorrows at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week’s headliner is Biz Markie.  ‘I’m not sure what I was thinking last week benching perhaps one of the greatest QBs of all time the week he throws 5 TDs.  Now I’m not saying it was the worst decision of my life but it ranks right up there.  It goes right along side that time back in school when after a few too many drinks I hookrd up with an Animal Husbandry major.  I think her name was blah-blah-blah.  All I remember is waking up the next morning in a barn half naked, with a splitting headache next to some damn goat.  I never did see blah-blah-blah again after that and ever since I get a strange yearning whenever I wear a Cashmere sweater.’

 The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found preparing for this week’s game in his top secret Hydroponics lab.  ‘I’ve noticed recently that the League’s renowned ‘Death Chili’ hasn’t been living up to its once high standards.  I’m attributing that to the lack of high quality Death Peppers found today and not due to any wussiness on the part of the League’s Chef.   I believe the recent effect of non-man-made Global Warming has adversely impacted the mountainous region of South America where they are grown.  It appears the migration patterns of the Chimsel have been altered, and as a consequence the Chimsel guano, which any good Chimsel herder ( ed. Note: How do you now it is a good Chimsel herder?  He’s still got all his appendages.)  will tell you is key to the fertilization of the Death Pepper, is not available during the critical vulcanization stage of the Death Pepper.  Ergo, the Death Peppers are only about one million Scoville, nowadays, an almost 50% decrease from a few years ago.  I’ve been toiling away in my lab trying to bioengineer a suitable replacement before the Death Pepper is lost to the World.  Unfortunately, all of the lab rats I’d been using as test subjects have spontaneously combusted so I’ve been forced to take my latest creations to work for my unsuspecting colleagues to test.’

In other action, DaCards! take on the hot Glee-ful Ninjas.  DaCards! owner, Rick, was found celebrating his latest victory.  ‘Things were looking bleak after the first few weeks of the season.  The way my luck was running I didn’t think I’d win a game all season, but all of that changed in week three.  I was standing on the sidelines playing with my nuts, staring another defeat in the face when out of nowhere comes this little furry rodent.  He circled around me a few times as he tried to figure out how to get to my nuts.  Lucky for me I always keep my nut sack secured during a game or I’m sure he would have made off with them.   After his appearance the tide of the game turned and I’ve been winning ever since.  Go Rally Squirrel!’

The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at the Hilltop taking stock of her life as yet another birthday has come and gone.  ‘Where does the time go?  I mean 1985 seems like it was just yesterday.  I feel like I just hit a wall.  I never had it all.  One shot a day.  My dreams just went out the door when I turned 24.  What happened to my plan?  I was gonna be an actress.  I was gonna be a star.  I was gonna shake my ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.  My blue Chevy is now the enemy.  You know I’ve seen all the classics, I know every line.  Breakfast Club, Pretty in Pink, even St’ Elmos’ Fire (of course the best line belongs to Sixteen Candles , but that doesn’t fit in the song).  I rocked out to Wham, I’m not a big Limp Bizkit fan. I thought I’d get a hand on a member from Duran Duran.  And where’s my mini-skirt made out of snake-skin?  When did reality become TV?  Whatever happened to sitcoms and game shows?  Please make this stop.  And bring back…oh to Hell with it, hears to being one year older…Frederick…get me another shot.’ 

In the Battle for Relevance, the Solar Sunshine and the Little Rascals go at it.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at her Rockport HQ.  ‘After months of training and countless hours on the range, all my hard work has finally paid off.  I’ve been granted that most coveted of titles.  I’m now a licensed double aught agent, 0074.  My double aught statue means I can now act with impunity as I patrol the mean streets of Rockport.  I can taze your ass just for looking at me funny.  Hell, I can even cup you when I frisk you now.  No more back of the hand only BS.  And once I get my Beat Down 300 Tactical Assault flashlight, I’m going to be one mean Muther.  Ain’t no shit gonna go down on my beat.’

Meanwhile over at the Solar Sunshine compound, the coach of the Sunshine, the subdued Susie Soleil, was found mulling her team’s future.  ‘The poor performance of this team has really caused attendance to drop at our games.  We’ve had to start a business on the side just to make ends meet.   Now I’m sure everyone has been through the hassle of having your power go out and still having to get ready for work, be it shaving, curling your hair or even removing that unsightly pet hair from your clothing.  Well, we’re introducing a new line of solar-powered personal grooming products that should alleviate this problem.   We actually have very high hopes for our first product.  My PR department has already come up with an ad campaign, ‘so a tornado knocked your power out yet again, and you with an important business meeting this morning.  Now to top it all off little Fluffy has covered you in cat fur.  Well, not to worry, with the new Solar Sucker 2000 Personal Grooming Vacuum you’ll be clean as a whistle in no time.  Order one today and we’ll be sucking you off tomorrow.’  I really think this will be a hit.’

In a rematch of last year’s Fantasy Championship, the Sunday Savants square off against the Pansies.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at the grand opening of his new business.  ‘With my Fantasy skills in decline, I’ve had to think about other lines of work.  I’ve found if there is one constant in this World it is that everything gets dirty.  And as we all know nothing is self-cleaning, so that means an unending flow of business to the cleaning industry.  There are car washes on almost every corner.  Want your house cleaned; just dial up any number of maid services.  Do you need your business cleaned or even your street or parking lot swept; someone has you covered.  I’ve found one market though that I feel is underserved, the household pet maintenance industry.  Until recently this business was very cost prohibitive, that was until I came up with an innovation that is sure to transform the industry, and which requires very little investment on my part.  I mean why spend all that money on cleaning accessories when every house has a toilet.  You just pick up little Fluffy and do want any school bully would do, you give her a good old fashioned swirly and, voila, one clean cat.  Remember a clean pussy is a happy one.’

Over at the Pansies’ headquarters they are still recovering from their stunning loss last week.  When asked about his questionable coaching decisions that led to his historic loss, the Pansies coach had this to say, ‘I’m not quite sure what happened last week.  Truth be told most of last week is sort of a blur after the tragic accident I had while biking on the Greenway.  I’m not sure what hit me, but I think it may have been a Ganarkel.  Those suckers sure pack a wallop.’  

Week 5 - October 9, 2011

Week five dawns crisp and clear with summer slowly easing its way into fall, the leaves beginning to turn, squirrels playing with their nuts and that very familiar aroma wafting from the West side of town.   All of which can mean only one thing.  The wind is blowing from the direction of the combined sewer overflow at Bee Slough, but also that one week of the year which Heart Doctors abhor and the rest of us crave is finally here.  With Fall Festival week upon us, this intrepid reporter finds himself along West Franklin looking for that ever elusive deep-fried yogurt on a stick and making the rounds of the League’s owners as they man their respective booths.

The slumping Sunday Sorta Smart Guys look to bounce back this week when they face the surging BALLAZ.  The coach of the Smart Guys, Justin was found at his booth #78.  ‘This team has imploded like a big freeking Meat Wad Inferno.  Have you seen my Power Ranking?  Sixth!  If I drop any lower they may relegate me to the Fantasy Minors.  I hear there is some hot new prospect in Brazil that the League is just itching to call up.  The kid supposedly has some mad Fantasy skills.  He’s already going by only one name, the Noob, just like all those Brazilian superstars.  I may not get another chance, Hell, I’m staring down 30.  I’ve only got a little time left before I’m over the Fantasy hill.  If I don’t bring home a Championship this year I may be through.  I don’t want to be one of these 40 year old guys sitting in their cubicle pining for his Fantasy Glory Days.’

The BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at booth #70 where he has some of his girls from his club, HOTTENTOTZ, working it.  ‘I BROUGHT ALONG MY GIRLS, THE HOTTEEZ, TO HELP DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS.  I’VE GOT THEM COOKING UP SOME OF MY FAVORITES.  WE’VE GOT CAKE BALLZ, QUEZDILLAZ, CHEEZECAKE, MOSSARELLA STICKZ, AND EVEN Z’MOREZ.  MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY AND PICK UP YOUR FAVORITE.’  

In a battle of two League heavyweights, the Recently Returned from the Far East Engineers square off against DaCards!  The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at booth #15. ‘It is certainly good to be back home.  I spent two weeks in China having to eat meals made up of things like duck tongue.  You would not believe what I had to swallow when I ate out in Putang.  Luckily I’m able to finally eat some normal food like Pigeon Poo, Pig Snorts, Pork Butt, Muddy Pigs or Puppy Chow.’ 

DaCards! owner was found down on West Franklin reliving a bit of his youth.  ‘I was just thinking of the days when I ran with one of the baddest street gangs around.  My buddies and I ran with the F-Street Flautas.  Nobody messed with us on our turf down here.  There was ‘Pronto Pup’ Pete, now he was always quick with a joke or to light up your smoke.  Then there were the twins ‘Monster Ear’ Mike and ‘Elephant Ear’ Earl.  You wouldn’t believe the size of the appendages on those guys.  You shoulda seen the size of Earl’s trunk, if you know what I mean.  Of course, I can’t forget ‘Beignet’ Bennie.  He was a real wannabe ladies’ man always trying to spout off French phrases.  Those certainly were some good times,’ said gang leader, Icky Licky Ricky.   

The Solar Sunshine look to get their season back on track as they take on the Glee-ful Ninjas.  The coach of the Sunshine, the sugary Susie Soleil, was found at booth #90.  ‘We count on this booth to be a big moneymaker for us every year so I’ve asked my PR team to come up with some advertising that will be sure to get some attention.  I’d wanted to sell a pork sandwich, but I was a little uneasy with the ad campaign they came up with.  I just didn’t think ‘come wrap your mouth around my tenderloins’ would go over well.  I mean it is a family friendly atmosphere.  So my second choice was to go with a tasty dessert item that is always a favorite.   Who could resist a little creamy goodness all covered in chocolate?  So come on down and take a lick of my Little Slice of Heaven.’

The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at booth #69, where she was preparing to film another segment of that internet sensation, ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  ‘I’ve been coming down here for years and I’ve sampled just about everything, but I’ve always thought there was something missing.  You know they’ve deep-fried Coke and Pepsi.  They’ve even deep-fried Kool-Aid, but somehow they’ve missed out on the one thing that I’m sure would be the biggest draw ever.  I mean we’re on the Westside here people.  What the Hell is it that you never see one of these Westsiders without?  That’s right; I’m talking about deep-fried beer!  I mean it’s one of the main freeking food groups around here.  You’d have people lined up for miles.  Frederick!  Get me an Apple Jack!’      

The final matchup features the mighty Pansies taking on the Little Rascals.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found at booth #4 where she was found partaking in a little Lunchie Munchie.  ‘With all the trouble down here lately, the Nut Club decided they needed a little extra security so they came to me.  They have me walking the beat in their biggest trouble spot.  I’m loaded for bear down here.  I’ve got my Beat-Down 300 Tactical Assault flashlight.  And you know I’m never far from my trusty Taser, which is lucky for me too because I’ve already had to whip the ol’ taser out once already.  There was some little punk stirring up some trouble.  It seems she wanted to take another ride on the Kiddie Kars without ponying up another ticket.  Well that shit don’t fly when Ashley’s on the job and I tazed that little gangsta’s ass.  Hell, I bet she’ll be wetting the bed for a week.’  

The owner of the Pansies was found at booth #11.  ‘Before our old pal Sinister P left the League last year he was kind enough to sell the rights to his fowl enterprise over to the League.  Each year everyone looked forward to seeing what new hideous yet delicious delicacy would come out of his diabolical kitchen.  And while his signature dish never fails to please, this year we’ve decided it needed a new twist.  Now you can’t go wrong when you add a little bacon to any dish, and what would a Fall Festival morsel be if it weren’t dipped in some chocolate and stuck on a stick.  So make sure you hurry on down to our booth and pick up your Mudder Phucken Pig in a Poke.’  

Week 4 - October 2, 2011

October is already upon us and that can mean only one thing.  The new Fall television season has kicked off.  Which leads one to the question, ‘who the Hell comes up with this crap?’  Luckily we’ve got football to watch and not the regurgitated drivel that passes for Primetime programming today, which just goes to show there is truth to the old adage, ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia.’  Of course the corollary to that is also true, ‘never try and remake the greatest TV series of the 70s with a bunch of scrawny B cuppers.’   With that in mind, here is what a winning Fantasy TV line up would look like.

We start off with the newest offering from the Game Show Network, ‘Press Your Fantasy Luck’, with your host, Hard Luck Rick.  Every week our hapless contestant will select his fantasy line up from the Press Your Luck board.  Are you going to be starting Tom Brady?  Is Calvin Johnson going to be in your starting line up?  If your luck holds you’ll put an unstoppable line up on the field.  But watch out for the Whammy when you’ll find your highest scoring RB sitting on the bench or that player who is a last minute scratch as a starter.   Tune in weekday mornings for all the fun and hair-pulling agony.

New this Fall on CBS, Phil, stars in ‘Fantasy Player of Interest’ where a reclusive computer expert has come up with a program which can determine the fantasy stats of every player each week.  The only problem is the player is identified by number only and not their name.  Our reluctant hero must use his wits and CIA training to piece together a winning Fantasy line up each week.  If he picks correctly, Fantasy glory is his, if not, he is mired in Fantasy ignominy.

After such hits as ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The Walking Dead’ AMC has another critically acclaimed hit on their hands with this offering from new Director Biggie Small.  Set in a once thriving Disco, our down on his luck owner, Max, looks to turn his fortunes around.  Unfortunately for him, a virus has mutated in a batch of meth which has turned all his customers into meth-addled zombies.  Now our hero is forced to DJ as he fights his way through the undead from dusk til  Dawn of the Dead in ‘The Dead Break Dancing Badly’.

At the dawn of the 21^st century, the Earth is on the edge of an environmental meltdown, but one woman has discovered a way to save the human race and her Fantasy season.  New this Fall on Fox, ‘Phantasticum Nova’.  Our intrepid scientist, Kristy, has discovered a rip in the space-time continuum which has enabled her to go back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and her Fantasy Draft had not yet taken place.  Now she has the chance to remake a more penquin-loving civilization and draft Tom Brady instead of Arian Foster.

And now a word from our sponsor…

TV Land has an instant Classic on their hands with their latest offering.   Drawing on his love for the classics and all things geriatric, by his combining elements of the Groucho Marx classic and his favorite sitcom ‘Golden Girls’, Justin, has created the ultimate game show for these tough times.  Each week Justin will quiz his elderly contestants on pop culture.  The winners will move on to the next round and continue to mooch off him by drawing Social Security, while the losers will be forced to stand in judgment by the Death Panel.  Tune in every week for ‘You Bet Your Life You Old Coots’.  

Fox is proud to announce their latest Reality TV offering which combines all the hard-hitting drama of ‘Cops’ with a more sensitive side ‘The Love Connection’.  Our little Ashley, stars each week in ‘Penal Date’, where she and her beau patrol the streets of a small town solving crimes and tazing winos.  The sparks fly as this dynamic duo break out the furry handcuffs and play ‘Good Cop, Naughty Cop’ proving once again the old adage that ‘a couple that tazes together stays together.’

The Food Channel has the follow up to Meagan’s hit show ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  Her latest offering, ‘Nom That Tune’ features contestants as they vie for fabulous prizes, mainly a fine selection of boxed wine and slices of American cheese, by trying to identify motorboated pop songs.

Our final offering in a fabulous new Fall lineup is brought to you by Cinemax.  It combines all the suspense and mystery of the ‘X-Files’ with all the assets of the always classic ‘Charlie’s Angels’.  Each week our suave and debonair yet mysterious hero leads his team of Angels as they investigate reports of alien seductions all the while risking anal probings in ‘The XXX-Files’.