Week 7 - October 10, 2011

Week 7 marks the halfway point of the Fantasy season, and by now you’ve had time to determine just what type of team you’ve got to work with as the Season hits the stretch run.  So as the blustery, rainy, downright nasty day dawns you are taken back to the warm and sunny day of your youth lo those many weeks ago when the League conducted its Draft, and you’re left to ask yourself, ‘why the Hell did I draft this steaming pile of monkey shit? And where can I get the recipe to that delicious Dump Cake?’

First up this week are the Sunday Savants and the disappointing Dismal Darkness.  The owner of the Savants, Justin, has seen more ups and downs than a yo-yo this year as his longest win streak this year

stands at one.  Asked how he expects to rebound from his disappointing start he replied, ‘I’ve definitely noticed a drop-off in performance this year.  It used to be easy for me to get up for a game, but as I’ve gotten older I find it more difficult to rise to the occasion.  I’d never condone the use of illegal means to help improve performance.  However, I’m not above using a ‘supplement’ to enhance my performance.  Luckily I just happen to have a hefty supply of Nitric Oxide tablets that I’ve been able to use too help boost my team’s work-outs.  I used to use them when I worked out.  No really, I did.  Seriously, they were for work-outs.  Stop smirking.’   

Meanwhile at the once bright and sunny Solar Sunshine a dismal darkness has swept over the team.  The coach of the Sunshine, a subdued Susie Soleil, had this to say, ‘the environmental movement seems to be losing steam.  The Congress is staging an all-out assault on environmental regulations, and big business is racing to exploit the last of our pristine wilderness.  I’ve been watching these ‘Occupy’ protests and it has given me an idea to help bring attention back to saving this planet.  I’ve flown up here to the Bush in Alaska to start my own protest movement.  I’ve asked my PR department to come up with a catchy slogan to rival that of the ‘Occupy’ movement.  I think this new movement has a chance to really take off, so I’m asking everyone to get out and ‘Come Fill my Bush.’’     

The BALLAZ look to end their skid when they take on the Squirrel-y Ninjas.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Max was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where this week Limp Bizkit is performing.  Asked about his disappointing results so far this Season, he had this to say, ‘the other teams in this League you all think you’re special.  You do, I can see it in your eyes.  I can see it when you laugh at me.  Look down on me.  You walk around on me.  Well, I’ve had enough of this and now I’m pissed.  This time I’m a let it all come out.  This time I’m a stand up and shout.  I’m a do things my way.’

The Squirrel-y Ninjas coach, Meagan, was found in the tight confines of Busch Stadium where she was rooting on her beloved Cardinals.  ‘Things looked a little bleak for the Redbirds at one point this post-season, but that all changed once I figured out the secret to their success.  Now, some want to ascribe all the success to the Rally Squirrel, but I beg to differ.  I’ve found that the success of the team is directly related to the amount of clothing I’m wearing.  I’d noticed that the players tended to lose focus at times during games, and that these lapses coincided with me not wearing my shirt.  I’d put my shirt on, and things would turn around again.  Well I figured if taking off my shirt had such a dramatic effect on the Cards what could I do to distract their opponent?  So I’m here in the Rangers dugout to unleash my secret weapon - wiggle, wiggle, wiggle.  GO CARDS!’

The Little Rascals face off against the DaBears!  The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was found at the team’s shooting range where she was asked how she felt about the Season so far, ‘Regrets, I’ve had a few, but then again too few to mention (although taking a crippled kicker and a bobble-headed QB are definitely worth mentioning).  I did what I had to do and saw it through without exemption.  I’ve laughed and cried.  I’ve had my fill, my share of losing and now as tears subside I find it all so amusing.  Yes, there were times I’m sure you knew when I bit off more than I could chew.  But through it all when there was doubt I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all and I stood tall and did it My way.’

Over at DaBears! team complex, a big shakeup is in the works, ‘this team has been underperforming all year.  I may not have what it takes to take this team to the next level, but I think I know someone who just might,’ said team owner, Rick.  ‘This man is a living Fantasy legend.  His exploits are renowned the World over.  Unfortunately, he cut all ties with this Fantasy realm and has not been seen or heard from since.  However, I’ve had my scouts out searching far and wide, from the Shores of the Wabash to the Hills of Tennessee and I’ve just received word that my search has been successful.  This team is about to get the jolt it needs to put us over the top.’

                ‘Where the Hell is this panty-wasted, piss-poor excuse for a team?  Get your lazy asses in here! 

                You’re a Goddamn disgrace to the name Bears!’ screamed the long lost Mad Dog Hupp.

‘Lord help us all,’ uttered, Rick.

In this battle of division leaders, the Far East Engineers square off against the Mighty Pansies.  The Engineer’s Head Genetic Engineer was found hard at work in his top secret hydroponics’ lab where he was putting the finishing touches on his latest creation, ‘While my lab-grown ‘Death Pepper’ has shown the desired punch it doesn’t have quite the longevity that I would like.  It seems to lose its potency rather quickly and struggles to take root so I’m looking at increasing its lifespan by cross-breeding it with more hearty and hard to kill genomes.  I’ve found that by combining it with Kudzu I can create a ‘Death Pepper’ that has become almost impossible to stop as it creeps along, over-coming all obstacles in front of it.  To increase its potency I’m focusing on its interaction with the sinus cavity which as we all know is probably the second most affected orifice when it comes to the ingestion of ‘Death Peppers’.  Also, I’ve found that by adding just a dash of H1N1 virus to the “Death Pepper’ the potency is increased ten-fold as it attacks the sinuses and unleashes a case of the snots like you wouldn’t believe. Because of its almost maniacal drive to quench its insatiable desire to spread and the almost brain-rotting potency of my latest creation I’ve decided to dub it the ‘Undead Pepper’.  Of course, the one problem I’ve got now is testing these little death bombs.  My co-workers seem to have gotten wise to my little pepper tastings and have become more reluctant to partake in my tests.  Lucky for me I decided to locate my top secret facility next to an animal preserve in the rural Midwest, this has provided me with an unlimited supply of unwitting subjects.  Some may frown on my testing these genetically altered ‘Undead Peppers’ on animals.  However, these animals are kept secure in their cages at all times and short of the pepper somehow mutating by coming into contact with some disease that could jump species thereby having some unforeseen consequence in humans I don’t see what could possibly go wrong.’

 Meanwhile at the Pansies team headquarters and animal preserve located in the rural Midwest, the team’s janitor is going about his nightly rounds.  ‘Now where the Hell did my keys get to?  I just had them here by the monkey cage a minute ago.  Hey, how’d you get out?  Oh, shit!’