Week 4 - October 2, 2011

October is already upon us and that can mean only one thing.  The new Fall television season has kicked off.  Which leads one to the question, ‘who the Hell comes up with this crap?’  Luckily we’ve got football to watch and not the regurgitated drivel that passes for Primetime programming today, which just goes to show there is truth to the old adage, ‘never get involved in a land war in Asia.’  Of course the corollary to that is also true, ‘never try and remake the greatest TV series of the 70s with a bunch of scrawny B cuppers.’   With that in mind, here is what a winning Fantasy TV line up would look like.

We start off with the newest offering from the Game Show Network, ‘Press Your Fantasy Luck’, with your host, Hard Luck Rick.  Every week our hapless contestant will select his fantasy line up from the Press Your Luck board.  Are you going to be starting Tom Brady?  Is Calvin Johnson going to be in your starting line up?  If your luck holds you’ll put an unstoppable line up on the field.  But watch out for the Whammy when you’ll find your highest scoring RB sitting on the bench or that player who is a last minute scratch as a starter.   Tune in weekday mornings for all the fun and hair-pulling agony.

New this Fall on CBS, Phil, stars in ‘Fantasy Player of Interest’ where a reclusive computer expert has come up with a program which can determine the fantasy stats of every player each week.  The only problem is the player is identified by number only and not their name.  Our reluctant hero must use his wits and CIA training to piece together a winning Fantasy line up each week.  If he picks correctly, Fantasy glory is his, if not, he is mired in Fantasy ignominy.

After such hits as ‘Breaking Bad’ and ‘The Walking Dead’ AMC has another critically acclaimed hit on their hands with this offering from new Director Biggie Small.  Set in a once thriving Disco, our down on his luck owner, Max, looks to turn his fortunes around.  Unfortunately for him, a virus has mutated in a batch of meth which has turned all his customers into meth-addled zombies.  Now our hero is forced to DJ as he fights his way through the undead from dusk til  Dawn of the Dead in ‘The Dead Break Dancing Badly’.

At the dawn of the 21^st century, the Earth is on the edge of an environmental meltdown, but one woman has discovered a way to save the human race and her Fantasy season.  New this Fall on Fox, ‘Phantasticum Nova’.  Our intrepid scientist, Kristy, has discovered a rip in the space-time continuum which has enabled her to go back to a time when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and her Fantasy Draft had not yet taken place.  Now she has the chance to remake a more penquin-loving civilization and draft Tom Brady instead of Arian Foster.

And now a word from our sponsor…

TV Land has an instant Classic on their hands with their latest offering.   Drawing on his love for the classics and all things geriatric, by his combining elements of the Groucho Marx classic and his favorite sitcom ‘Golden Girls’, Justin, has created the ultimate game show for these tough times.  Each week Justin will quiz his elderly contestants on pop culture.  The winners will move on to the next round and continue to mooch off him by drawing Social Security, while the losers will be forced to stand in judgment by the Death Panel.  Tune in every week for ‘You Bet Your Life You Old Coots’.  

Fox is proud to announce their latest Reality TV offering which combines all the hard-hitting drama of ‘Cops’ with a more sensitive side ‘The Love Connection’.  Our little Ashley, stars each week in ‘Penal Date’, where she and her beau patrol the streets of a small town solving crimes and tazing winos.  The sparks fly as this dynamic duo break out the furry handcuffs and play ‘Good Cop, Naughty Cop’ proving once again the old adage that ‘a couple that tazes together stays together.’

The Food Channel has the follow up to Meagan’s hit show ‘My Drunk Fantasy’.  Her latest offering, ‘Nom That Tune’ features contestants as they vie for fabulous prizes, mainly a fine selection of boxed wine and slices of American cheese, by trying to identify motorboated pop songs.

Our final offering in a fabulous new Fall lineup is brought to you by Cinemax.  It combines all the suspense and mystery of the ‘X-Files’ with all the assets of the always classic ‘Charlie’s Angels’.  Each week our suave and debonair yet mysterious hero leads his team of Angels as they investigate reports of alien seductions all the while risking anal probings in ‘The XXX-Files’.