With week three of the Fantasy season upon us, the thought
on most everyone’s mind is ‘I spent good money for this? I could have bought
beer instead.’ And while hindsight is
20/20, unfortunately you were forced to draft your team with the vision of Mr.
Magoo.
This week
kicks off with the Bad News DaBears! hoping to finally catch a break and notch
their first win of the season as they face the Solar Sunshine. DaBears!, owner, Rick, was found at the ‘Luck
of the Irish’ lucky charm Emporium, looking for anything that might turn his
season around. ‘What’s a guy got to do
to catch a break in this League? I’ve
put up more points than anybody and I’ve got nothing to show for it. Looking back maybe I shouldn’t have gotten
liquored up and taken batting practice in a House of Mirrors while standing
under a ladder in front of a black cat crossing before the Draft, but I never
thought it would bring this much bad karma?’
Over at the
headquarters of the Sunshine their owner, the scheming Susie Soleil, had this
to say about her upcoming match up, ‘It is obvious that even with the valiant
effort of my PR team people still refuse to take the cause of eco-friendliness
seriously. As a result I’m afraid I’m
going to have to take a more forceful approach.
After seeing the success our military had with their SEAL team 6, I
decided to begin training my very own environmental Special Forces team. No longer will the non-recyclers and
light-leaving-on-ers of the World be able to act with impunity. From now on they will live in fear of the
ferocious retribution that I will bring down upon them with the SWAT
, Sub-Arctic Waterfowl Assault Team, Penquin team 1. Go ahead.
I dare you to throw that aluminum can away now.’
The Sunday
Savants look to bounce back from last week’s humiliating beatdown when they
face the Even Further East then Normal Engineers. The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found
stewing over his humbling ass-kicking.
‘I don’t know what to make of this team.
Have you seen our Power ranking?
I don’t know that we’ve ever been ranked that low before. We’re only a point ahead of a team with no
wins for crissakes. I won’t tolerate
this type of performance. We’re not the
Sunday Sorta Smart Guys, we’re the Sunday freaking Savants dammit.’
Meanwhile,
on the other side of the World, the owner of the Engineers, Dr. Phil, is
searching for a suitable location to put his new Draft-o-matic 3000 production facility. ‘I knew that my latest invention had the
chance to change the face of Fantasy drafting, but I never expected such a huge
response. To meet the demand I have to
build a new facility. I’ve been touring
China with two of my old engineering buddies, Jing Mai and Long Duck Dong, who
have their own construction company and are going to build my new plant. I’ve been searching all over to find just the
right spot and I think I may have finally located it. Now all I have to do is wait for Mai Dong to
erect in Putang what I hope will be an erection that will leave the World in
awe.’
In the Girls Gone Wild Game of the Week, the
Little Rascals take on the always Glee-ful Ninjas. The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, was found
at the local tattoo parlor where she had these thoughts on her season, ‘With
the way this team rolls over and plays dead for every opponent, we’re no Honey
Badgers we’re a bunch of little
Stiffys. I ought to market whatever
it is they’re drinking that gets them like that. Forget that warning to call your doctor after
4 hours, Hell; I’ve had these little Stiffys for two weeks.’
The
extremely Glee-ful Ninjas coach, Meagan, was found basking in glory of her
team’s recent performance. ‘You know
I’ve been on the receiving end of many a spanking since I’ve joined this
League. It was actually starting to be a
habit. I thought I was going to have to
start going to the local chapter of Spankings Anonymous meetings.
Last week though I finally got to dish out a spanking of my own, and I
must say I found it quite enjoyable. In
fact I’m looking forward to giving my opponent this week a good spanking.’
In the final
game, the END ZONE BALLAZ square off against the Pansies. The BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at
his club, HOTTENTOTZ. ‘I’VE HEARD SOME
TALK AROUND THE LEAGUE THIS WEEK DISRESPECTING THE BALLAZ. I DON”T KNOW WHO THOSE PANSY BASTARDS THINK
THEY ARE, BUT NO ONE GOES AROUND DISSING THE BALLAZ. IN FACT I’M THINKING OF ROUNDING UP SOME OF
MY PEEPS TO MAYBE GIVE HIM A LITTLE OF WHAT TUPAC GOT. HELL, WHEN I ROLL UP AND MY PEEPS HIT HE’LL
NEVER KNOW WHAT HIT HIM. HE’LL THINK
TWICE ABOUT EVER DISSING THE BALLAZ AGAIN.
THOSE PEEPS CAN DO SOME REAL DAMAGE.
YOU COULD PUT AN EYE OUT WITH ONE OF THEM, ESPECIALLY THE ONES I’VE HAD
SITTING OUT SINCE LAST EASTER.’
The Pansies
owner was found at the Commish’s office planning the League’s annual charity
function. ‘With the Race for the Cure
right around the corner, the Commish and I felt that the League should do
something to help raise awareness.
Because if there is one thing this League stands for it is tatas. And the more that can be done to help expose
tatas and their plight the better. As
you know, Yoplait has their ‘pink lid’ campaign. However, that leaves 95% of their product
doing nothing for charity. So the
Commish’s office is pleased to announce their own campaign. Now once you’ve dropped off your pink lid at
the Komen display you can bring the yogurt and donate it to the Commish’s
office. Where he’ll be happy to take it
and make a donation to further the study of breasts.’
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