Kickoff
As the calendar turns to September that can
mean only one thing, I’m going to have to clean leaves out of my gutters
soon. And it means the kickoff to yet
another exciting and somewhat insane Fantasy season. With a highly successful Gala Live Draft
Extravaganza under our belt, the League members can now move on to the
difficult task of assembling the disjointed pieces of a team that was selected
in a somewhat drunken haze of home brew and dump cake into a Fantasy Champion.
In the opening matchup, the Other Building
Happy Ninjas square off against the Far East Engineers. The owner of the Glee-ful Ninjas, Meagan, was
found on the set preparing for another broadcast of her internet sensation ‘My
Drunk Fantasy’. When asked about her
expectations for the upcoming season, she had this to say, ‘I was a bit
disappointed with the results of the Draft Extravaganza. When I saw ‘draft’ in the title I assumed
there would be a lot more drinking involved.
I spent a week putting together a list of my favorite microbrews for
selection. You can imagine my chagrin
when I found out we’d actually be selecting players. I mean that’s what computers are for. It’s not that I couldn’t draft a team from
scratch. It’s just that I’ve got better
things to do.’
The Far East Engineers prepare for opening
week at their top secret R&D lab where Head Engineer Dr. Phil’s Abell to
assemble all the high tech gadgetry and gizmos which keep his team one of the
most advanced Fantasy teams around.
Little known to the outside world though is the secret driving force
behind his genius, the mysterious muse known only as ‘The Chief’. Asked about his latest work Dr. Phil replied,
‘After partaking in the League’s first live draft, I’ve noticed the need for a
few innovations. The least of which is
the need for some sort of photon shielding to protect the unwary soul from
disfigurement or worse from diabolically evil printers looking to decapitate
you. But first, I’ve been working since
the draft to assemble the prototype for my latest invention, the Draft-o-matic
3000 Omni-directional Sequential Serpentintial Avatar. No longer will there be confusion as to the
direction of the Draft, ‘are we going up or coming down through the draft
order?’ The Draft-o-matic 3000 renders
that question obsolete. Some will say
that the Draft-o-matic 3000 looks just like a big arrow. Sure, but my arrow is omni-directional; it
can point both up and down. That right
there is a Fantasy game-changer.’
The first week heats up with this battle of
the Dark Side between DaBears! and the League’s newbies the END ZONE
BALLAZ. DaBears! owner, Rick, had this
to say about his opening week opponent, ‘What the Hell is a ‘bal-lay’? Is that some sort of urban street thug ballet?
Is he going to be dancing around in the endzone with a baggy tutu that hangs
down and shows his ass-crack? Is he
gonna throwdown a little Swan Lake on my ass?
By God, it took me a whole year to figure out what a freaking Fuggle was
and now I gotta deal with this. It’s
going to be a long year.’
Meanwhile the BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small,
was found at his crib preparing for his first taste of the League. ‘I had heard that this League was tough but it
definitely lacked any sort of street cred, that is until now. Granted you have one owner who has a history
of coddling troublemakers on her team, but a few domestic disturbances and
puppy-kickings is nothing compared to what you can expect from the
BALLAZ. The season hasn’t even started and I’ve had one guy thrown in prison.
THe REST OF MY ROSTER HAS A GUY WHO DODGED A MURDER WRAP, ANOTHER WITH, SHALL I
SAY, A WAY WITH WOMEN, AND ONE who’s probably going down for grand theft auto,
DUI, AND STARRING ON REALITY TV. HELL,
I’M EVEN MINUS A KICKER NOW BECAUSE HE’S GOT A FREAKING BROKEN LEG OR SOME SUCH
THING THAT PROBABLY HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH HIS OWING MONEY TO SOME CAJUN
MOBSTER. YOU PEOPLE WILL THINK TWICE
BEFORE COMING ON BALLAZ TURF.’
In the Payback Classic, the Sunday Savants
kick off their Season of Revenge against their bitter rival and cause of last
season’s slide to oblivion the Rascals.
Savant’s owner, Justin, was found holed up in his cubicle fortress, ‘The
Slayers or Rascals or whatever they call themselves now won’t get past me this
year with that tricky ‘draft a kicker first’ crap. I’ve been studying up on their coach’s sneaky
tactics. She may act all sweet and
innocent with that I’m a Rascal now crap, but I know that she’s still a Slayer
underneath. I mean have you seen what a
freaking Honey Badger will do to your ass?
Why do you think I’ve got my cubicle walled off? Hell, I even drafted a guy fresh out of the
joint on gun charges just to watch my back.
I’m also getting a permit so I can pack some heat myself. I don’t know what this League is coming to
but it’s getting so a guy doesn’t feel safe walking to
work anymore.’
The
Rascals look to prove that last season’s success wasn’t just luck. Asked about this year’s strategy Rascal’s
coach, Ashley, had these comments, ‘Most people thought the drafting of a
kicker first last year could be attributed to my being a rookie with little
knowledge about this Fantasy business.
Well I thought a few ass-kickings later and a Division title would shut
the naysayers up. I guess I was wrong. It looks like I’m going to have to do the
whole thing over again. Maybe this time
when I crush this puny League and bring home a Fantasy Championship my ‘Kicker
first’ strategy will finally be accepted.
But if not, you know what, Honey Badger don’t give a shit.’
The Solar Sunshine opens up against the
defending Champion Pansies. The Sunshine
coach, the salacious Susie Soleil, had this to say about her prospects this
year, ‘After their previous fiasco, the PR department has been working overtime
to come up with another ad campaign in time for the season opener to bring
attention to the environmental plight we face.
I think they’ve finally come up with a good idea. The best way to demonstrate to people the
dangers of their penquin-hating ways is to show them the consequences and the
recent cleaving of the icebergs in Greenland has provided us with that opportunity.
I’m planning on having ads at all the opening games imploring people to ‘Come
stare at my Cleavage’. I really have
high hopes for this campaign.’
The Pansies owner was found in the team
Headquarters’ Communication Department.
‘Since our latest Championship more and more fans want to keep up with
all things Pansies. And with the advent
of the social networking craze, all the facebooking, blogging, skyping and
tweeting has made that possible. So the
Pansie,s in looking to appeal to the younger generation of fans and all their networking
desires, are going to enter the social networking fray by tweeting all the
latest happenings. I’ve already made all
the preparations necessary to start tweeting when the season kicks off. I have to admit though I’m not sure what this
younger generation sees in this tweeting thing.
All the racket is driving me crazy and you won’t believe how much bird
shit I’ve had to clean up.’
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