Praise for the 2008 Red Spot ESPN Fantasy Football League Yearbook:

“One of the greatest pieces of modern American Literature that I’ve ever read. Oh, you’re not asking about ‘To Kill a Mockingbird’? I haven’t read the other book. I bet it sucks though.”

- Janet Maslin, New York Times Book Review

“That’s my logo you’re using without permission you freak. I’ll see you in court.”

- Robert Ulrich, CEO Target Stores

“This sets Fantasies back twenty years.”

- Hugh Hefner, Publisher Playboy Magazine

“You’re a funny guy. Good luck at college.”

- Muffy Templeton, Harrison High Class of ‘86

“Bleep. This is bleeping golden. It’s gotta be worth bleeping millions. I laughed my bleeping bleep off until I bleeped myself.”

- Rod Blagojevich, Illinois Dept. of Corrections Inmate #546743

“The author shows delusions of grandeur and narcissistic schizophrenial disorder. In my professional opinion he’s freeking nuts.”

- Dr. Hannibal Lecter, Cannibalistic serial killer

“Stop looking at me! I kill you”

- Achmed, Dead Terrorist

Dramatis Personae:

Petunia Pickin’ Pansies - George W. Shrub – Bumbling, incompetent owner, but is there ‘change’ in the wings?

Polar IceCaps - Mild-mannered, Puffin-loving owner, Kristy, but is there something else lurking beneath the surface?

Eastside Hacks – Perky, fun-loving owner, Meagan, whose slightly irrational fears (birds, munchkins and ET) only add to her charm.

The Big Peach – Jet-setting, Playboy owner, Mr. Big, brings style and class to the League.

Decatur Staleys - Reclusive and mysterious owner strives to bring League to a higher plane of Consciousness.

Swimming Chickens - Led by the kind, benevolent, carefree, charming, yet modest owner.

Tropical Tree Monkey Swingers - Owner, Kristy, champion of all the environmentally downtrodden and bane to Eco-haters everywhere. We think the Swinger part is purely innocent.

Front Desk Happy Ninjas - Owner, Meagan, hotel proprietor by day; silent but deadly assassin by night. Sort of a Hong Kong Phooey meets Leona Helmsley.

Ft. Branch Sinister P - His Evil-ness Sinister P plots to rule the League for high atop Castle Peachenstein.

Flora Bears - ‘Mad Dog’ Hupp uses his unique personal style to ‘encourage’ his team in his drive for victory.

And a supporting cast of dramatis personae and fauna too numerous to mention.

This is a work of fiction and any resemblance to actual events or persons is purely intentional. I’m only typing what the voices in my head tell me. <REDRUM>

Introduction

This work is a compilation of the Gameday Newsletters sent throughout the season. The material for these Newsletters was taken from actual NFL game situations, current events, movies, and stuff I just plain made up. I’ve added comments in an attempt to add some background and to clarify for future generations the thinking, or lack there of, behind certain references. However, I’ve slept since the writing of most of this Newsletter and frankly I’m not sure what the Hell I was thinking.

Preseason Preview

As the date of the draft rapidly approaches the team owners are diligently ranking their players in eager anticipation of the ESPN Automated Selection Draft, otherwise known as a Computer Crapshoot. It is commonly believed that the Tech geeks at ESPN headquarters, to make up for not getting a date in college, try to screw every owner and guarantee their drafted team in no way resembles the one they had hoped for.

With the draft done and the season set to start, ESPN Football experts have broken down the league and offered this season preview:

Petunia Pickin' Pansies - The Pansies have the strongest corp of RB in the league with 4 top 20 backs. The strong backfield may have come at the expense of the other positions. By waiting until round 10 to select their first WR the pickings were a little slim. Insiders in the War Room at the Pansies' complex are still scratching their head at GM George H. Shrub's draft strategy. One Insider, who refused to be identified over fears of being taken "hunting" by the Vice GM, said "It is obvious Shrub is completely clueless. I believe he's drinking again too. After every pick he could be heard mumbling 'you're doing a heckuva job Brownie'." If some new talent isn't brought in to change the direction of the franchise defending their League title is going to be tough.

Polar IceCaps - With talent spread across the roster the IceCaps look to be a force this season. The RB corps lacks depth but their strong receiving corps offers the possibility of trading to upgrade the RB position. When reached at her igloo in the Antarctic, team owner Kristy took time from her crusade to save the Penguins to offer her views on the upcoming season, "I think if we can get everyone in the stadium to bring their plastic bottles each week to recycle we have a real shot at saving the Puffins."

During the 2007 season, a wise and seasoned Peach tried to take advantage of a naïve and trusting fantasy rookie Meagan with a trade early in the season. The kind Peach would offer one of his QBs for her star RB. After careful consideration, the naïve Meagan gladly accepted the trade of Tom Brady for Ronnie Brown. As history would go on to record, the kind Peach’s brand new RB Brown would break his leg the next game and be lost for the season while the naïve Meagan’s QB Brady would go on to have the best season for a QB in NFL history. The moral of the story is to never trust the naïve rookie when she says it is her first time.

Eastside Hacks - With top 5 talent at each position the Hacks are strong at the starting positions but lack depth. The team owner Meagan, known for her shrewd wheeling and dealing, was reached at her new team complex on the Eastside and asked about her plans to address her team's shortcomings, "I always draft a few castoffs that I can unload on unsuspecting owners. Last year I was able to grab the top QB for a gimp and some shiny trinkets."

The Big Peach - A strong QB corp has become a hallmark of team owner Pat. If his young RB corp produces the Peaches have the potential to make a run at the title. When spotted at an Oh Snap! concert Pat offered these views on the upcoming season "I'm determined to hold on to all my QB this year. Now wily vixen waving baubles is going to pry Brady away from me this year!"

Decatur Staleys - With the number 1 WR, a top QB and a exciting RB corp the Staleys will be competitive this year. The reclusive owner Bill was contacted at his secret team complex for comments on his drafting strategy. "One of my fondest memories was of the 2006 Rose Bowl so I wanted to relive that game by drafting most of the major players of that game. My only regret is that I missed out on Leinart."

Swimming Chickens - These aquatic waterfowl have talent and depth at the skill positions. However, a weak QB corps could be their undoing. When reached at the Water Cube where team owner Chris is preparing his fowl for the upcoming Chicken Olympics, he offered these insights "the trick to a fast chicken in the pool is streamlining. Sure they look funny without any feathers but they just cut through the water."

Kristy brought Sean Connery on board as her GM because of his long list of environmentally friendly movies. The ‘Medicine Man’ alluded to below is probably one of his best. It may rank second only to ‘Robin Hood’, the moving tale of a songbird brought up in a rough neighborhood.

Tropical Tree Monkey Swingers - Runningback appears to be a weakness, but with perhaps the top QB corp in the league, these simians look to take advantage of a recent rule change that allows the starting of two QBs. Reached at her hut deep in the heart of the Amazon, team owner Kristy and her GM Connery, had this to say about the prospects of the coming year "don't people understand that by burning down the rain forest we are wiping out many plant and animal species. We could be destroying the cure for cancer. Of course these damn ants can go they aren't anything but a nuisance."

Front Desk Happy Ninjas - These cheerful assassins have mastered the art of drafting talent at all positions and look to be strong contenders for the title. A late night visit with the mysterious team owner gave insight into her strategy "our QB uses deadly precision while throwing to our stars and our backs cut through the heart of our opponents defenses."

Ft. Branch Sinister P - A strong and deep RB and WR corp are going to have to make up for a weak, to say the least, QB. Unlike his alter ego who is known for his strong QB drafts, Evil P provided the most controversial move of the draft by refusing to draft a QB. It wasn't until the League office forced him that Evil P finally selected a QB in the final round. When contacted at his sinister research facilities Evil P was unavailable for comment. His assistant Igor however had this to say "his evil-ness is really a draft genius, a draft guru you might even say, his strategy will prove itself in the end. We are working well into the night stitching together a team that will leave the rest of the league cowering in fear.<maniacal laughter> "

Flora Bears - With steady performers on offense the Bears strength lies in their Defense. Built by the architect of the famed Flora 4-6 defense these Bears are a reflection of their owner. When reached at his humble abode in picturesque southern Illinois, team owner Bill "Mad Dog" Hupp had this to say "Maybe having Ditka, Butkus and Nitschke in the war room during the draft was a mistake. But, by God they don't call it a War Room for nothing. I'm tired of Pansy ass teams winning this league with triple digit scoring. Give me a 10-7 game with men tearing each other’s throats out on the field. Now that's how football was meant to be."

Week 1

This week’s showcase game features the Big Peach and the Eastside Hacks, two bitter rivals in what is sure to be an instant classic. The animosity dates back to a trade between these two owners last year in which the Hacks owner was able to talk Mr. Big of the Peaches out of the best QB in football for a one legged RB. When Hacks owner, Megan, was contacted at her Southside compound she had this to say on the rivalry. “Look, I can’t help it if the guy is easily distracted. I just waved a few shiny beads in front of him and he was putty in my hands. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m late for an Alfred Hitchcock Film Festival. Tonight they’re showing ‘The Birds’.”

When met backstage at a Nine Inch Nails concert, Fuzzy Peaches owner, Mr. Big was asked about his chances this year against the wily Meagan. A visible fuming Peaches owner snarled, “Let’s see how the little Missy does this year without my players. I’ll tell you this…oh look, a shiny hummingbird!”

The defending Champion Pansies open their title defense against the Polar IceCaps. In what appears to be one of the best match ups of the day, the Pansies will have to rely on the legs of their workhorse LT and the rest of their RBs as the team is still trying to rebuild a weak receiving corp. The Pansies front office is still in turmoil following their draft day debacle in which team GM George Shrub neglected to draft a WR with two good legs. Shrub was sighted at a local Beer Pong Tournament and had this to say about the upcoming game against the IceCaps, “IceCaps? I thought we melted those things already.” Asked about his role in the draft day fiasco, Shrub replied, “I had nothing to do with the draft. I had some National Guard duties that I had to attend to.” When reached at his underground bunker the Vice GM had this to say about their draft day decisions “We are currently interrogat...I mean…questioning all those responsible at our Abu Ghraib training facility.”

The Polar IceCaps owner was contacted at the team compound in Antarctica for her views on the opening match up. A frigid Ms. Wagner opined, “Something has to be done about global warming. Do you know how hard it is to find a suitable practice facility down here? Our players keep crashing through the melting ice pack.”

In the week’s only inter-divisional match up, the Staleys are heavily favored over the Swimming Chickens. The winner of the Consolation Bowl last year, the Staleys look to take the next step this year and play for a Fantasy title. Sequestered at his remote compound in the mountains of Idaho, the reclusive Staleys owner had this to say. “After the disappointment of coming just a step short of our team goals, I feel with some personal sacrifice we can take the next step to a higher plane,” he said, “I’ve spent the off season in meditations with Maharishi Mahesh Yogi in an effort to help this team reach those goals.”

After barely missing the playoffs last season the one time Twinkie City Cupcakes hope a name change will give them an edge going into this season. The Chicken’s owner interrupted his training regimen to offer this comment, “Have you seen the Bulgarian Chickens? If they aren’t pumped full of steroids then I’m a Monkey Swinger’s uncle. My chickens are the best in the world without enhancement. Just look at the breasts on that one there.”

This match up between the Tropical Tree Monkey Swingers and the Front Desk Happy Ninjas features the league’s longest team names. It also features one of the early favorites for the League title, the Monkey Swingers. These Swingers have a high-powered offense featuring the dreaded Double QB attack formation. The Swinging owner was located at a Save the Rainforest protest in the Amazon and unchained herself from a tree long enough to offer this comment, “Do you realize that if people continue to destroy the rainforests, it’ll cause a global temperature rise of six degrees and then we’ll all know Kevin Bacon?”

The Happy Ninjas hope to use their corp of receivers to keep the game against the Tree Monkeys close. Asked what the secret of her WR success is the Gay Killers owner had this to offer. “My receivers have received Ninja training which imparts them with marsupial-like quickness.”

On paper this appears to be the most lopsided game of the day and features a match up of the league’s most unorthodox GMs. The offensive “P”s are an early 7 TD favorite against the Bears who like to rely on their stifling defense to shut their opponents down. Bears GM, Mad Dog Hupp, when reached at a Brian Piccolo Fund Raiser had this to say about his upcoming opponent “I’ve got a world of respect for his evil-ness Mr. Sinister. He’s an old school GM just like me. Everyone else in this league wants one or two namby-pamby QBs to toss the ball all willy-nilly about the field. But not The “P” he wants to knock you in the mouth with his ground game. And I can respect that but I’m still going to order my defense to rip the heads of his players and crap down their necks.”

An attempt to obtain a quote from his evil-ness at Castle Peachenstein proved fruitless. However, his assistant Igor had this to say, “The Master has been conjuring up a special plan for aiding our team this season. When he’s done with his Confundus Flipendo no one in the League will be able to stop us.” <maniacal laughter>

Week 2

As we head into the second week of the season talk is still centered on the loss for the season of the Big Peach’s traditional trade fodder, Tom Brady. When contacted at his wind-powered solar farm, Mr. Big, of the Peaches had this to say about the future. “The Peaches are always looking two steps ahead of the rest of the league. This is reflected in my draft strategy and in my use of alternative energy. I’m using wind-powered solar to power the team compound. My wind turbines power the light stanchions that illuminate the solar panels that in turn power the giant fans to turn my wind turbines. This insures that my staff can work well into the night planning future trades and it keeps our beer incredibly cold.”

The Peaches opponent this week is the Tree Swingers, whose owner was found at a “Save the Pine Forest” fundraiser. Asked for her thoughts on her Fuzzy opponent she replied, “While I hope to persuade the whole league to convert to alternative energy and applaud Mr. Big in his efforts, I don’t think cutting down a 200 year old hardwood forest for his solar farm is exactly what I had in mind.”

In the Mutual of Omaha’s Wild Kingdom match up of the week, the Bears look to devour the Chickens. Bears GM “Mad Dog” Hupp had this to fume about his team’s chances this week, “I expect better goddamn execution this week out of this team. We had four guys who showed up to play last week. If we weren’t playing a team whose owner sits around and plays with his wand all day we would have had our asses handed to us. I’ve told my players I expect them to go out there and choke the Chickens this week. And by God I expect satisfaction.”

When asked after training about last week’s dismal showing, a dripping Chickens owner, squawked, “What do you mean last week’s game? The season has already started? Well that will certainly put a damper on my Chickens’ training regimen.”

Hoping to rebound from their disappointing loss to the local flora, the Polar IceCaps face a powerful Staleys team. The IceCaps GM was located at her Wasilla Eco-Conservatory and offered up this comment. “I’ve moved to my Northern facilities to showcase the plight of the Arctic Chimsel. This naturally occurring global warming is threatening the food supply of these small yet vicious creatures. As the polar bears die off the Chimsels are all but starving. Seeing a pack of these creatures bring down a polar bear is a sight you’ll never forget.”

This week was highlighted by the introduction of the Chimsel, which was long thought to be extinct. This furry yet ferocious critter is distinguishable by the red light, which shines out of its ass.

All attempts to contact the reclusive Staleys owner were in vain. Rumors have it that he is in the process of moving his team headquarters to a remote Himalayan outpost to be nearer the team’s new spiritual consultant the Dali Llama al Paca.

The Happy Ninjas frolic into week 2 fresh off their victory over the Tropical Swingers. A gleeful owner happily recounted her opening day win. “I’m ecstatic that our new training regimen has paid off. Michael Turner’s performance is a tribute to our secret Ninja Chimsel training. The Chimsel is the fastest and most agile animal in the world not to mention just a tad vicious. By locking our players in an enclosed pen with them our players attain the speed and elusiveness necessary to be called Happy Ninjas. Otherwise they’re called lunch.”

Meanwhile, high atop Castle Peachenstein an even grumpier than normal Sinister “P” plots his revenge for his week one loss. “In that only half of my previous opponent’s players seemed to have performed it is obvious that my previous spell worked but it lacked the necessary power. I can only attribute this to having a wand that is somewhat lacking in performance. This week I shall have to enhance my wand with an Engorgio Serpensortia and unleash havoc upon my hapless opponent. <Maniacal laughter>”

In this week’s feature match up, the defending Champion Pansies face an Eastside squad that in week 1 performed like a bunch of hacks. The owner of the Hacks was found at her Northside complex preparing for the upcoming game. “I’d like to stay and chat but I’m late for a Ducks Unlimited meeting.”

At the Pansies compound, a visibly tipsy GM George W. Shrub was found playing “Whack-a-Dem” in the team’s play room. “We really drilled those IceCaps, AN WeRe they surprised,” Shrub said. The Vice GM had this to say about the team’s strategy. “Although we won we were a bit disappointed in our offensive output. We have heard some teams in this league may have developed new Ways of Moving Downfield and into the endzone. Our Chief Information Associate has assured me that his evidence of other team’s WMD is a slam dunk. We will take any steps necessary to find these WMD.”

Week 3

A rabid Bears team takes on a reeling Tree Monkeys in the Animal Planet Food Chain Match Up of the Week. Most of the interview with a wee bit peeved “Mad Dog” Hupp could not be printed as this is a family newsletter. When asked about his team’s execution Mad Dog replied, “I’m all for it. Just find me a goddamn wall to line them up against! How in blue blazes do you lose to a bunch of big-breasted aquatic fowl? And don’t get me started on my goddamn receiving corp. They’re as worthless as teats on a boar hog. Three freaking points, you’ve got to be kidding me? That goddamn Rockne ought to be strung up for throwing the ball all about like a fop and starting this whole mess. Football was a man’s game before the pass.” When asked about his upcoming opponent and her Swinging club an apoplectic Mad Dog stammered, “Well just wrap me in a skirt and call me Nancy. A goddamn woman running a football team? That has to be a sign of the apocalypse. A woman’s place in on the sideline with a tight fitting turtleneck shaking her pom poms. Dammit I need a shot of whiskey.”

A much more subdued Swinger’s owner had these comments about her mildly chauvinistic opponent, “I’ve checked my official Wasilla Endangered Species List and I didn’t see any mention of a Flora Bear so as far as I’m concerned it’s open season on Sunday and it’s time for a little bear hunt. Stick around after the game and I’ll even field dress the sucker.”

This week in the real world, as opposed to FantasyLand where this Newsletter takes place, the remnants of a hurricane blew threw town causing numerous power outages. A few unfortunates were left without power for days, which provided the inspiration for the following article. It also taught one luckless owner that one should never attempt to fill her car in 60 mph winds with a credit card. Those little suckers sure can fly.

In the N.O.W. Game of the Week, a giggling Ninjas face a rapidly melting IceCaps. IceCaps GM, Kristy, was reached at her powerless team complex, “In an effort to bring attention to the impact electricity usage has on the environment, we are having “Pioneer Week” here at the team’s facility. All power has been turned off and we are existing as our foremothers did 150 years ago. Of course this has made it a bit hard to study game film of our upcoming opponent. It seems the film is a bit flammable and keeps melting in the campfire.”

Located in the back room of her secret training facility the Ninjas owner had this to say “As extra motivation for my team this week, I’ve asked my friends Blossom, Bubbles and Buttercup to be on the sideline during the game. As long as we’re winning they won’t have to unleash their Sonic Scream.”

In what looks to be the mismatch of the week, a dominating Staleys take on a wind-blown Hacks. Our attempts to reach the reclusive Staleys owner at his new Himalayan complex were thwarted when our envoy was eaten by a Yeti.

At her near Downtown complex a frazzled Hacks owner commented, “I’d let you in the team complex but I seem to have lost my keycard? I had it here just a minute ago before the gale blew threw.” Asked about the poor performances of her starting QB GM Meagan offered up this remedy, “If the man doesn’t score in double digits next week I’ll have his eyes pecked out by the Bluebird of Happiness.”

An invigorated Chickens squad takes on a limping Sinister “P”. Swimming Chickens owner had this insight into his team’s turnaround. “I had to take my Chicken’s training to another level. I threw Chimsels into their training pool. Chimsels are able to knife through the water like vicious otters. And as everyone knows about the only thing they like better than fresh chicken is a little beaver. You should have seen those Chickens swim.”

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein a glowering Sinister “P” proclaimed, “My wand is obviously firing blanks. I’ll need to cast a Reversio Vasecto and return my wand to its previously potent form. My prowess will then be unrivaled. <Maniacal laughter>

In a battle of the unbeaten, a fresh smelling Pansies take on the Big Peach. The only problem Peach owner Mr. Big faces each week seems to be which of his high scorers does he leave on the bench. “I’m thinking about starting a second team with just my bench players. They’re bound to be better than some of the other teams in this league”, Biggie said. Rumors are that Mr. Big is in negotiation with James for the rights to use the name Giant Peaches.

Aboard Petunia One, a petulant George W. Shrub had this say about his rumored ouster at the end of this term as GM, “I want to categorically deny all the reports about my flaccid manhood. Oh, you said ‘lame duck’ my bad.” Asked to comment on one-purported successor Shrub replied, “Barry O’Bama? You have to be kidding me. All he’s done is organize a youth football league and spent a few years coaching a high school team. I’d hardly call that qualified to run the Fantasy Bowl Champs.” Asked about the other candidate, Para Sailin, he replied, “That sounds like something fun to do. Oh, that’s her name not a group activity. Have you got a list of her qualifications? I have heard that she can see a football stadium from her house so that and her womb means she is more than capable of leading a professional fantasy franchise.” Meanwhile, in a bunker beneath the Washington Monument, the Vice GM pronounced, “I’m a bit disappointed in this team’s performance. It seems some of our players find the ball to be too heavy to carry the entire length of the field. I expect this team to run like a well-oiled machine. Whereas it appears that late in games we’ve been running out of gas so I’ve consulted with the team trainer, Hal E. Burton, and to remedy this his plan is to ‘Drill, baby, drill’.”

Week 4

Week 4 finds the Polar IceCaps trying to bounce back after a heartbreaking loss. The IceCaps saw their hopes at victory melt away when Ronnie Brown was left on the sidelines. Asked about her fateful decision team owner Kristy replied, “I haven’t felt this bad since we lost the Ayles Ice Shelf a few years ago, but I had to bench Mr. Brown for disciplinary reasons. I can’t go into specifics but let’s just say it involved domestic abuse and puffins. Some things just won’t be tolerated.”

The IceCaps opponent this week is the freshly peeled Peaches. The Peaches owner, Mr. Big, while back stage at an Eagles concert had this to say, “We were living life in the fast lane for a while, but we decided to take it easy. I can’t tell you why but we wasted time. One of these nights after the heartache tonight we’ll take it to the limit and we’ll experience that peaceful, easy feeling that comes with victory. I should have known we were in for a long night though. While most of the team had already left from the team hotel, I looked into the lyin’ eyes of some witchy woman behind the front desk who told me I could check out but I could never leave.”

Meagan, the owner of the Happy Ninjas, is renowned for being an excellent judge of characters. And to prove it, she drafted a team of them. Unfortunately for her she led the League in player suspensions. Her team spends most of their off weeks slapping patrons of nightclubs around. On the good side, she was able to land a sponsorship with the local bail bondsman. Remember kiddies, ‘Nothing good ever happens in a nightclub after 3am’. I’m sure that Meagan will get these guys straightened out by the end of the year.

An undefeated Happy Ninjas squad, tickled pink at the start to their season, faces the Bears this week. Ninjas owner Meagan, at her Boys Town training compound, was asked about the recent troubles surrounding some of her team. “I feel like I’m running a damn home for wayward waifs. I’ve got one running around beating the crap out of people whenever he’s been drinking and another who can’t seem to find the damn training complex. Next thing you know they’ll be stealing little old ladies’ purses and ripping the whiskers off kittens. I feel a little extra Chimsel training coming on.”

The Flora Bears owner, Mad Dog Hupp, was located at Happy Acres, a Flora sanatorium. The heavily sedated Mad Dog slurred, “Woman…monkeys…beat…applesauce…I like applesauce.” Nurse Ratched of Happy Acres clarified, “Ever since Mr. Mad Dog was brought in he’s been mumbling about Swinging Tree Monkey beaters or some such nonsense. He’s been prescribed a regimen of electroshock treatment and a heavy dose of diazepam.”

In the Mesker Park Zoo Game of the Week, the Swimming Chickens face the Monkey Swingers. Kristy, the Tropical Swingers owner, was unavailable for comment this week as she was attending a seminar, “Strategies for Combating Naturally Occurring Global Warming” by the Organization of Planetary Environmental Concerns.

The Tree Swingers face a surging Chickens. When asked about his team’s improved performance GM Mack replied, “I brought Michael Phelps in to give a motivational speech to my Chicks before the game. He gave quite a speech. His last line really said it all ‘Bawk squawk squawk bawk bawk bawk’. It was really an emotional moment. A lot of the Chickens were really choked up, but they were ready to swim through a wall for him.”

For those that don’t speak ‘chicken’, I’ll translate ‘Moo mooo mooooo moo moo’.

In the Dunkin’ Donuts Game of the Week, the Eastside Hacks and Sinister P look to get their first win of the season. Hacks owner, Meagan, was reached at her Riverside complex for her take on this week’s game. “I’m really excited about my chances this week. Having my QB finally score in double digits is a big boost. Now if you’ll excuse me I’m off to the Steven Spielberg Film Festival. They’re showing E.T.: The Revenge tonight.”

Meanwhile, high atop Castle Peachenstein, an increasingly desperate Sinister “P” plots his next move. “My wand has not responded to any of my machinations. Its impotence still has me stymied. I have been forced to use the most powerful means available, Levitra Viagaro. <maniacal laughter>” Team spokesman, Igor, commented, “His evilness used his enhanced wand on the team at practice. The defense immediately stiffened and remained that way for almost four hours. It was quite a performance.”

This week featured the discovery of yet another bizarre creature. This has lead to speculation that the high doses of UV radiation and abundance of free radicals floating about in the air all willy-nilly in FantasyLand may be causing strange mutations to occur in the animal kingdom. I’m sure glad I’m not exposed to anything like that.

In the Ray Harryhausen Game of the Week, this clash of the Titans features the Staleys and the Pansies. Staleys spokesman, Dali Llama Al Paca, intoned “Our players have reached a state of consciousness which has elevated their abilities to a higher plane. Our dear leader continues his studies at his Himalayan retreat while we strive to bring him glory.” Attempts to contact the “Dear Leader” were thwarted when our envoy was spirited off by a Himalayan Ganarkel.

Overshadowing this week’s game is the rumored financial crisis within the Pansies organization. Many of the team’s debt obligations have not been met and one player who asked to remain anonymous stated, “I tried to cash my check and the bank refused. I figured that idiot Shrub just misspelled L.T. again it wouldn’t be the first time, but they said it had something to do with insufficient funds. I might as well wipe my ass with my check for all the good it is.” When asked about the lose of confidence in Petunia assets, an addled George W. Shrub muttered, “I do seem to recall something about loss of liquidity and a naked short position, but I thought we were running out of beer and our cheerleaders were getting some more reveling uniforms. I never was much good at cipherin’ and go-zin-tas.” The team’s financial officer, Freddie Mac, had this explanation; “I’m in talks with the league to extend us a small line of credit to insure the continued operation of the franchise until we can sell a few assets. In hindsight it may not have been the wisest move to invest all the team’s funds in the “Cute and Cuddly” petting zoo, but those Chimsels sure did look cuddly in the pictures. By the way, would you be interested in some used tackling dummies?” One of the candidates to replace Shrub as GM, Para Sailin, had some of her own financial problems. After going over the river and through the woods, Ms. Sailin was reached at her compound in Knoware where she is taking some heat over her Swine Keg project. An exasperated Ms. Sailin said, “I don’t understand what all the fuss is about over how I’m spending the money from this project. All the Pork Barrel spending is going towards a bridge to Knoware.” Ms. Sailin’s competition for the GM position, Barry O’Bama, when asked his position on her Pork Barrel spending replied, “As a Muslim I’m against any Pork projects.”

Week 5

In the Serta Pillow Fight of the week, the Polar IceCaps are facing a hopeless Hacks team. An ecstatic Polar IceCaps owner, Kristy, at her Antarctic compound said, “I was giving serious consideration to changing my team’s name to ANWR since everyone was looking to drill us each week. I haven’t felt this good since they banned CFC and the ozone was given a chance to improve.”

A hapless Eastside Hack’s owner, Megan, at her northside compound commented on her team’s lack of performance to date and her chances this week, “My team’s performing like a car with four bald tires and bad brakes, we’re an accident waiting to happen. I like my chances this week though. I know I can count on the IceCaps to leave at least one of their top performers on the bench. Now if you’ll excuse me, the Judy Garland Film Festival is in town and tonight they’re playing Oz II: Revenge of the Munchkins.”

In the Ambien Yawner of the week, a deforested Tropical Monkeys face the Evil P in a race to reach .500. The Swinging Primates owner was found at a Red Cross Fundraiser where she had these comments, “I’m not sure what to do with these guys. I can’t keep my players upright. They’re getting carted off the field as quick as I can pick them up off waivers. My high scorer even gets knocked unconscious and carried off on a stretcher. I’ve got my HMO threatening to cut off my insurance and the Mafia requesting the use of my services on guys they have hits out on.”

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P revels in last week’s victory. “My wand hasn’t performed this well since I was young wizard at Wizard school. I could conjure with the ladies all night long and not suffer a drop off in performance,” said his Evil-ness. Team spokesman, Igor, offered this comment about the upcoming game, “The Master has been playing with his rejuvenated wand all day. He even turned me into a newt. But I got better<maniacal laughter>.”

In the House of Wong Game of the Week, the Swimming Chickens ride a tidal wave into their game against the Depressed Ninjas. The Head Chicken had this to say about his team’s performance, “I think this past week’s performance made a lot of people stand up and take notice. These aren’t a bunch of Chickens to take lightly. We aren’t just a bunch of naked waterfowl. With the upcoming game against the Ninjas, we’ve brought in a special trainer who is well versed in the Oriental Arts. The man had a special glimmer in his eyes when he saw what he had to work with. I’m sure General Tso will have my Chickens whipped into shape by dinner tonight.”

A depressed Ninjas owner, Meagan, tries to cope after leaving not one but two thirty point performers on the bench in a four-point loss. When asked about her questionable coaching decision a not-quite-so-jovial Meagan replied, “Who would have figured that old geezer, Favre, had 30 points in him. I mean the man is nearly 40 years old. He pops Geritol like its candy and he can barely get around without a walker at the team complex. I only left Johnson on the bench with him to play pinochle and to make sure Favre doesn’t wander off during the game.”

For those youngsters who don’t remember the ‘70s use that fancy internet thingy and do that googly thing for Gordon Lightfoot’s ‘The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald’ for clarification of the following article.

In the Ray Charles “Georgia on My Mind” Game of the week, the Decatur Staleys face the Big Peach. The Peaches owner, Mr. Big, was found back stage at a Gordon Lightfoot concert where he had these comments on his loss, “We were expecting some decent weather but we knew we were in trouble when the gales of November came early. My Captain and crew were well seasoned. When the second half came and it was freezing rain in the face of a hurricane west wind. I knew that the good team and crew were in peril. And later that night his highlights were out of sight, we were wrecked by the play of Larry Fitzgerald. The writers all say we would have won out that day if we’d put 15 more points behind us. This game will surely live on from the Chippewa on down of the big receiver they call Gitche Gumee.”

The reclusive Staleys owner could not be reached for comment on his team’s first loss. However, team spokesman, the Dali Llama Al Paca, had this to say, “The Dear Leader was very disturbed at his team’s performance. He is calling for more sacrifices from the players to bring favor upon him before the next game. And on another note Kool Aid is now being served in the team cafeteria.”

The following was done as a tribute to Mad Dog’s beloved Cubs, who looked certain to end a century of futility by finally winning the World Series. Unfortunately, the Cubs lived up to their reputation.

Flora Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, was located at a tavern on Waveland Avenue. Asked about his stay at Happy Acres Mad Dog replied, “Who needs all that new-fangled medical treatment, all I needed was a few cans of Schlitz and a cheezeborger and I’m good as new.” When asked about his team’s prospects for the upcoming game Mad Dog fumed, “By god I think we finally got whatever curse was on this team taken care of. How else to you account for my opponent last week leaving 60 points on the bench? That’s what you get when you put a woman in charge of a football team, by god. And it looks like we’re facing a bunch of fops this week. I mean they’ve got Pansies in their goddamn name for crying out loud. Now who in the hell let this animal in the tavern? Would someone get this goddamn Billy Goat out of here!”

The head Pansy, George W. Shrub, was located at the Petunia’s JP Morgan Team Complex. Asked about the team’s liquidity problems a tipsy Shrub replied, “It got pretty hairy at one point last week. We were only hours away from a meltdown of epic proportions. I was down to my last six pack of beer when we were finally able to tap into the reserve kegs.” Team financial officer, Freddie Mac, had this explanation, “The League stepped in and floated us a small “loan” and took a bit of Shrub’s gambling debt off our hands which will allow us to continue operations this season. We appreciate the League’s actions and know that the fans will understand when they find that ticket prices will have a modest surcharge tacked on to cover this “loan”. I mean what’s a few thousands dollars a ticket anyway. I carry that much around in my wallet.”

Special Report

In a dramatic change of events, the score of the Front Desk Happy Ninjas were deducted one point from their week 5 final score once stats were made official. This caused a tie with the Swimming Chickens. In such cases, the highest scoring player is the tie-breaker which gave the victory to the Chickens 21-20. When reached for comment the Commish was at a loss. "I have no idea whose score was altered. NFLStats is responsible for scoring and certification. The League office has no jurisdiction in these matters. I know there will be cries of conflict of interest but in this case I had nothing to do with it," a clueless Commish stated. A very, very peeved Ninjas owner was found on Franklin Street and had these comments, "I demand a full investigation! I've always known those goddamn birds had it in for me and this just proves my point. Plucking is too good for those fowl."

The preliminary results of the League’s investigation into ‘Point Plucking Scandal’ found no evidence of wrongdoing by the kind and benevolent Commish or the owner of the Swimming Chickens. There was however a check for a large sum of money drawn on an account from the 1^st National Bank of Antarctica deposited in a Bristol, Connecticut, home of ESPN, bank account of one Archibald Littlepeter, head of Fantasy League Scoring. As of this writing an investigation into any role the Assistant Commish might have played in what seems to be a blatant attempt to sully the good name of the kind and benevolent Commish and assume command for herself.

Week 6

In the Westside Nut Club Game of the week, the Eastside Hacks take on the Decatur Staleys. The owner of the Hacks, Meagan, was found at her westside compound,   “This is a busy time around the team compound. We’re having our yearly fundraising festival and we’re having a bit of trouble with our industrial sized deep fryer.” Meagan said. Our interview was interrupted by the repairman from Fletch’s Fryer Fixers who had this diagnosis, “Well here’s your problem. You know it's all ball bearings nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I'm gonna need 'bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.” “Well it looks like things are well in hand here, so if you’ll excuse me there is a Chevy Chase Film Festival in town and tonight they are showing “Under the Rainbow”, a relieved Maygun said.
            The reclusive owner of the Staleys could not be reached for comment as our envoy was attacked by a herd of crazed Pronto Pups. The team spokesman, Dali Llama Al Paca, had this comment, “The Dear Leader is using this week to explore alternate means of reaching a higher consciousness through the use of dark chocolate and bacon.”

            In the Costume Ball brought to you by Nick Nackery where we’ll take 50% off your costume, the fuming Ninjas try to come out of their funk against a no longer feared Sinister P. The Ninjas none to pleased owner, Meaghan, was found in the back room of the team’s complex practicing with a Katana on some hapless poultry where she offered this comment on this week’s stunning turn of events, “I’m still waiting for an explanation from those bastards at NFLStats. How does a point just up and disappear? I swear those damn Swimming Spawns of Satan are going to be sent to the depths of Hell where those Demon Fowl belong when I’m through with them.”
            Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, an addled Sinister “P” contemplates his next move. “I’ve never had the problem of my wand prematurely firing before, but I’ve heard that it is actually fairly common. Of course it was certainly unfortunate that my starting QB was in the path of the Concussio Confundus spell when my wand misfired and he spent the rest of the game drooling on himself. And looking back it may not have been the smartest strategy to have half the team with the same bye week. But I guess the hardest thing to swallow is that those cursed Monkey Swingers actually managed to score over 100 points. I think it may be time to take up needlepoint. <Maniacal laughter>;”

The following article first brings to light how the fate of all these mutated little critters may be entwined almost as if in some sort of a ‘food chain’. However, more study needs to be given for a more accurate description to be made.

In the World Wildlife Federation Game of the Week, the Flora Bears face the Tropical Monkeys. The Swinging Monkeys owner, Kristy, was found at the Humane Society Fundraising Booth celebrating her latest victory with Banana Slices with Chocolate Sauce. “I haven’t been this tickled pink since I heard the Amazonian Allophanate was no longer endangered. This is a boon for the Ganarkels which had been preying on swimming chickens to offset the loss of their primary food source. And I don’t have to tell you what this does for the Chimsel. Now that Ganarkels are on the rise, the Chimsel will have its main food source back and they can quit killing polar bears. It’s a whole “Circle of Life” thing. This really goes to show the good recycling does. Hakuna Matada,” said a vindicated Kristy.
        The distraught owner of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, could not be reached for comment. Rumor has it that he is in a stupor in a Mexican Tequileria mumbling about Goddamn Dodgers, Joe Torre and a Billy Goat in an act which is illegal in the States.

          In the A&P Game of the Week, The Big Peach face the Chickens. Peach owner, Mr. Big, was found at the SWIRCA booth consoling himself with some cobbler. “With my runningback corps in shambles, I had to come down and meet with my old pals and reminisce about some of my great backfields. There was one year I managed to snag Red Grange and Bronko Nagurski, now there was a RB tandem. Not like these rejects I’ve got carrying the ball now. By the way, what is this delicious yellowish-orange fruit in my cobbler?” Mr. Big said.
        A distraught Chickens owner elaborates on the dramatic turn of events that befell his team, “I’m not sure what to say. This has been a roller coaster of a week. I was surprised when I was informed that the Ninjas had used some sort of accounting shenanigans to eke out a win only to have some alert League Regulatory Agency catch them. And the win is much appreciated but I can’t get over the fate of my beloved Chickens. It started when General Tso mentioned going for a wok, I thought he meant for me to take a stroll about the compound as he prepared my team. Imagine my surprise after returning from my gambol, sitting down to a lovely meal and finding out exactly what I was eating. I’m not sure where to go now. I meet some nice church ladies on Franklin Street and they mentioned something about Resurrection and my Chickens so that sounds promising.”

As part of Red Spot’s new cultural enrichment program, we were all invited to a command performance by Melvin, the Red Cross’s answer to Cedric the Entertainer, where we were all introduced to his unique perspective on workplace safety.

In the mismatch of the week a powerful Pansies squad takes on a hapless IceCaps. Captain Melvin Tripps of the US Army Hazardous Response team was reached at the IceCaps quarantined headquarters, “It appears one of their players was infected with some sort of plague. We’re not quite sure what it is at the moment. There has been a virulent TLD, Tuberculoid Liver Disease, going around. Of course it could also be a Rhino-virus that was airbornly vectored indirectly, very nasty stuff. But I believe what we’re dealing with is Hippo-titus D, and that’s D because it’ll kill your ass.” IceCaps owner, Kristy, had this comment; “I’ve banned the use of Sharpies in all team facilities until this outbreak is over. I’m also equipping all personnel with towels so that we’ll have no random touching of other’s wetness. This having to wear Hazmat suits has really put a damper on practicing though so I’ve been thinking of moving our team facilities to Colorado until this plague thing blows over.”
At the Pansies compound, the Pink House, a tipsy George W. Shrub was asked about this week’s opponent. “We’ve got a game this week? I thought we had a bye. Oh, we’re playing the IceCaps, see I was right,” Shrub said. Possible successor, Barry O’Bama, was found at a Malcolm X Black Power Fundraiser, where he answered questions about possibly being the first of his ethnicity to be a team owner. “While none have advanced to the ownership position, there has been a long line of great Irishmen in the league, like Joe Montana, Paul Hornung, Tim Brown and Raghib Ismail. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to talk to my meteorologist friend Bill Ayers. I’m going spelunking this weekend and want to know the Weather Underground.” Continued attempts to question Para Sailin on her qualifications where meet with some resistance. “Have you seen prices at Stadium Concession Stands nowadays? How is Joe Six-Pack supposed to afford to drink at a game anymore? I’m proposing price breaks on beer to offset the thousand dollar surcharge on our tickets,” a winking Para Sailin said. Asked for further clarification on her qualifications, Sailin did mention that she had boinked the quarterback in high school and is an avid reader of the Red Spot Gameday Newsletter.

Week 7

In the “Kung Fu Panda” Game of the week, the floundering Flora Bears face a not-so-happy Ninjas squad. The Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, is back to his old self after his brief hiatus from the team. “What’s with goddamn players these days? I’ve got a little fop of a QB who whines about his broken little pinkie and wants to take a month off. In my day if someone broke a finger you just got the trainer to lop it off in the locker room and they’d send you back in the game. Why Seven-Finger Grabowski was one of the best QBs in the league and you never heard him complain. And let me tell you, most kickers aren’t worth moose scat but ol’ Three-Toed Blutarski was a different breed. They’d lop a toe off during a timeout and he’d trot right back out there and put the ball through the uprights. By God I’m going to have to start feeding these wimps more goddamn raw meat,” a raving Mad Dog offered.

The Side Hallway Happy Ninjas owner was still fuming over her recent losses. “How do you lose to a washed up Wizard with a faulty wand? And I’m still waiting for a satisfactory answer from the league office about how a score can mysteriously change after a game is over. You’d rather have a crack-addled Chimsel in your britches than a pissed off Ninja running amok in the league. We Ninjas have a code; well they are more like guidelines really, for dealing with those that have wronged us. And on top of that I’ve got another one of my wayward boys beating the crap out of someone and getting suspended.” a feisty Meagan said.

In the Wrigley Doublemint Game of the week, the Big Peach face a familiar Sinister P squad. The Big Peach owner, Mr. Big, was unavailable for comment as he was at the conference “Solar Power and You: 101 Ways the Sun can help combat naturally occurring Global Warming” brought to you by the “Coalition Of Arctic Lovers”. Team spokeman Mr. Pink had these comments, “Another week, and another “win” for those buoyant cluckers. We are joining the Ninjas in calling for an investigation into the “scoring irregularities” in this league. How could one team be so lucky if not for some behind the scenes filliping by the silent power behind the kind and benevolent Commish in a scheme to discredit him and gain ultimate power for herself. But I don’t have anyone in particular in mind.”

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness, Sinister P, revels in his latest victory. “Finally, my powers have returned. I no longer have to deal with the shame and embarrassment of having an under performing wand. My Enzyteo Enhancium spell worked to perfection. The rest of the league shall bow to my prowess <maniacal laughter>.”

The struggling Eastside Hacks face a recently poisoned Pansies squad coming off their first loss. The Hacks owner, Meagan, was found at her Dogtown complex trying to figure out a way to turn her team around. “In an attempt to get this team turned around, I’ve brought in renowned motivational speaker Matt Foley and asked him to speak with this worthless group of Hacks,” a perturbed Meagan said. A disheveled and stumbling Foley launches into his “motivational” tirade, “Look at me! Is this how you want to end up? I’m 35 years old, thrice divorced and living in a van by the river! So you’ve won one fricking game, well la-de-freeking-da!” A visibly shaken Meagan excused herself, “Now if you’ll excuse me, there is a Chris Farley Film Festival in town and tonight they’re showing Beverly Hills Ninja.”

Prior to the previous week’s game the star player of the Pansies came down with an unknown illness that caused him to miss the next four games. The fact that this ‘illness’ conveniently occurred prior to the game against the Polar IceCaps was just a bit too coincidental.

Chaos reigns at a locked down Pansies complex. A frightened George W. Shrub tried to explain the situation, “I’m not sure what’s going on. All I know is at one point I was working on some important papers and the next some men in funny suits came in and took my Sharpies. Luckily they left me with my crayons and paste so I was able to finish.” Captain Melvin Tripps of the US Army Hazardous Response Team had these comments, “What it looks like we’ve got here is a serious outbreak of some childless diseases. It appears one of the team was somehow infected with a virulent form of the Penquin Pox. And do you know why it’s called a childless disease? Because if you contract it as an adult your “wand” will fall off and you won’t be able to have children. That is why it’s important to always wear proper PeePee PPE.” The Vice-GM of the Pansies was found meeting with Michael Jerkoff of the Department of Flowerbed Security in a secure bunker under the team complex. “This act of bio-terrorism was definitely the work of the left wing Penquin loving terror organization, al Goreda. Not much is known about these puffin loving scum other than what we hear from their mouthpiece, Achmed al Alcidae.” Jerkoff said.

In his keynote address at this year’s ‘Symposium on Happenstance, Irrelevance & Tripe’, Professor Phil presented his paper ‘The Clusterf@#k of Irrelevance and the price of Twinkies’ to explain the interdependency of these hapless UV irradiated critters.

In the Chinese New Year Game of the Week, the Swimming Chickens face the Monkey Swingers. Tree Monkeys owner, Kristy, was found in her Amazonia complex where she had this to say, “We’ve got quite a problem down here lately. It seems a herd of Brazilian Penquins has invaded the area and is wiping out the Allophonates. This naturally has caused a decrease in the Moose population, which in turn affects the poor village children who live off moose scat and of course the Polar bears, who can’t get enough of moose bacon. This has led to the Amazonian swimming chickens having to resort to eating squirrel’s nuts, which does not please the squirrels in the least. I mean who wants to have their nuts eaten by a ravenous chicken. Our only hope is that the Chimsels get the Brazilian Penquin population under control before this whole clusterf@#k of irrelevance comes crashing down. I mean it isn’t like we can throw these damn Penquins on a plane and fly them back to the Antarctica.

At the Chicken Coop a struggling Chickens owner tries to cope with the loss of his beloved Chickens and had this to say, “You just don’t know how it feels to have your team eaten right out from under you. All those long months of training and they are just plucked away from me. I know one thing though, and that is to never trust a little church lady who is covered in flour. As for where I go from hear, I’ve heard they may have some fine swimming chicken specimen in the Rainforest so all may not be lost.”

The top-ranked Decatur Staleys face a surprisingly deadly Polar puddles team. The reclusive owner of the Staleys could not be reached for comment as our envoy was smothered in an avalanche of Allophonates. Team spokesman, the Dali Llama al Paca had these comments, “You’ll no doubt have noticed that the beatdown administered to our previous opponent could have been much, much worse. The Dear Leader, in a display of great kindness and benevolence, chose not to play his highest scoring player. This should prove to the rest of the league of the kinder, gentler domination to be experienced under His reign.”

In a secret (yet damn cold) base the Polar Puddles prepare for their next game (i.e. ruthless bio-attack). The one-time sweet and innocent owner now ruthless international terrorist, Kristy, refused any comment on last weeks “game”. However, her team spokesman had these comments, “I am Ac(flim)med, and I bring words to you eco-infidels from our leader, Alia Saed bin Ali El Hornie, which loosely translates to “she who will bring a beatdown on your ass if you don’t recycle plastic bottles and turn off you damn lights”. This scourge visited upon the Pansies will be just the first of our attacks unloosed upon this League in the name of all Penquin loving peoples everywhere. Until such time as all paper and plastic find their way to the proper recycling receptacles this eco-jihad will continue. Viva le al Goreda!”

Week 8

The Big Peaches face an Eastside Hacks squad still celebrating their upset of the mighty Pansies. The owner of the Hacks was found at her Nisbet team compound where a tipsy Meagan had these comments, “We’ve been celebrating this victory all week. I mean it isn’t like we’ve got a shot at the playoffs so what’s wrong with a few drinks. I just wish the repairman would get the damn tap working again.” The interview was interrupted by the repairman from Fletch’s Fridgeration Fixers who had this diagnosis, “Well here’s your problem. You know it’s all about flanges these days. Now you prepare that lo-boy sanke and the shank flanges with a tap handle insert. But keep an eye on your blowoff hose and ball check valve with the barbed swivel nuts for any cracking in your MILF tail piece connector. Now I’ll just grab me a little Gnome Soda and a gauze pad and I’ll take care of your Creamer Faucet.” “Ah to hell with it,” a confused Meagan said, “there’s a Bob and Doug McKenzie Film Festival in town and tonight they’re playing Strange Brew.”

The Big Peaches owner, Mr. Big, was found basking on the beach in sunny San Diego while attending the GQ Tie & Accessory Expo. A subdued Mr. Big commented, “I’m quite saddened by the passing this past week of Mr. Blackwell. It was an honor to be listed on his 10 Best Dressed ‘Fantasy Football Owners and Solar Project Managers’ List. His influence in the fashion world will be missed. As for this Expo, I must say I’ve picked up quite a few tips that I’m sure will help me throughout the rest of the season. You know, when it comes to dressing it is all about coordination and not matching. Matching is so gay. And I must say that the symposium on “The Latest in Sleeve Rolling” was worth the price of admission by itself. I believe the latest ‘cuff flip’ technique will really give me an advantage over the other owners for the remainder of the season. Although quite frankly, there really isn’t much competition.”

The Flora Bears, fresh off last week’s thumping of the Ninjas, face a Sinister P team that found a way into the win column despite themselves. An ebullient coach of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, had these comments, “By God, I think a 10 year old girl could quarterback this team better than the group of goddamn pansy asses I’ve got doing the job now. One is still bitching about the boo-boo on his wittle pinkie finger and another is seeing a blessed Shrink because he’s freeking nuts. The only one willing to step on the field couldn’t hit the broadside of a goddamn barn if he were standing inside of it. And don’t get me started on my limp-wristed receiving corps; a blind baboon has a better chance of catching a ball than these clowns. If it weren’t for my RB corps, I might as well shoot myself in the head.”

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P plots his next move. Team spokesman, Igor, had these comments; “There was a small mishap in the lab this week. The Master had been working long hours in the lab concocting a potion that would provide him with uncommon stamina and allow the use of his wand for hours on end. Unfortunately, one of our players helped himself to the sample of Gilly weed and Bubotuber pus and ended up getting suspended. Who knew that the League had rules about performance enhancers?”

In an admission that he had run out of ideas, the author resorted to relying on ‘South Park’ for material. He sincerely regrets the reference to ‘courics’ and will try to do better in the future.

These are trying times at Pansies headquarters, the Pink House. With the team still reeling from a financial meltdown and in the midst of a two game losing streak now is the time for a show of leadership from the front office. Unfortunately, George W. Shrub still has a few weeks left as the Head Pansy. Mr. Shrub was met outside of his Presidential “Library” where he had these comments, “Whew, that was about 8 courics. Now that’s what I call leaving a legacy.” Meanwhile, in the race to replace Shrub, an increasingly desperate Para Sailin has increased her attacks against her opponent. “Mr. O’Bama does not view this game the same way you or I do. He thinks American football is a game that should be played like the rest of the world where we kick a ball around with our feet and not the violent, head-smashing game that we as Americans know and love. He sees our game as imperfect enough that he will pal around with known “soccer-ists” like Beckham and Ronaldinho. We can not allow this sort of cosmopolitan Elitist to occupy the Head office of the premier football organization in the league,” said Miss Sailin. The leading candidate for the job, Barry O’Bama, was found at a Baby-Killing Muslim Socialists Supporting Terrorism Conference. “My opponent has consistently lied and distorted my record in an attempt to portray me as some sort of monster. But you can ask my buddies Fred Krueger, Jason Voorhees and Michael Myers and they’ll tell you that I’m just a regular guy,” said O’Bama.

The Pansies face an unstoppable Staleys squad that just dispatched another opponent with surprising ease. An attempt to contact the head of the Staleys was thwarted when our envoy was smothered in affection by a herd of Fuggles. The Staleys spokesman, Dali Llama al Paca, had these comments, “While the Dear Leader is pleased with the performance of some of His players, other have not shown the desired willingness to make the necessary sacrifices for total victory. We needed to light a fire under the arse of our RB Reggie to provide him with the proper motivation. As the Dear Leader descended from the Mount after speaking with a Burning Bush, he brought forth some Commandments for our team to follow in its pursuit of the promised land of a Fantasy championship.”

Disclaimer:Penquin is intentionally spelled with a ‘Q’ and not the traditional ‘G’ throughout the Newsletter because they’re so ‘Q-ute’. I apologize for succumbing to peer pressure.

In the Sierra Club game of the week, the tree-hugging Monkey Swingers take on the radical Polar Puddles. The owner of the Tropical Swingers was found at her Amazonia headquarters preparing for this match up of ecological idealists. “I’m happy for all the help I can get in my crusade to save the penquins, polar bears and other creatures threatened by this naturally occurring global warming. I’m not against chaining myself to a tree every now and then if the cause calls for it, and I’m sure the Pansies needed a good Penquin Poxing to bring them down a notch. I just can’t condone some of the tactics that al Gore-da use in the name of Green. I mean blowing up plastic bottling facilities and incandescent light bulb plants does not give our cause a good name,” Kristy said.

In a secret northern polar compound, the Polar Puddles plan their next assault of ecological terror. Puddles spokesman, Ach(flim)*med, proclaimed, “These Tree Monkeys profess to care for the environment but they try to effect change through educating and coddling these eco-infidels. Our leader, El Hornie, in her eco-jihad has declared an intifadah by all eco-loving peoples. If the eco-infidels refuse to heed her calls for recycling she will unleash a wave of suicide puffin-bombers the likes of this world has never seen. All martyrs to our cause will be rewarded in paradise with 70 penquins. Viva le al Gore-da!”

*(flim - the phonetic spelling of phlegm is used even at the risk offending the spelling Nazi Meagan because nobody knows how to pronounce “fa-leg-um”)

For more antics of the beloved Ach(flim)med, the dead terrorist, check out JeffafaDun-HAM dot com.

The ‘Animosity Bowl’ between the Side Hallway Pissed-Off Ninjas and the bright and cheerful Bouncing Fuggles (nee Swimming Chickens) is a rematch of the week 5 “Accounting Irregularity Bowl” where a point “mysteriously” disappeared from the Ninjas final score causing a victory to turn into a defeat. A crotchety Ninjas owner, Meagan, had these comments, “Changing their name can’t hide the fact that I was screwed the last time we met. A Chicken by any other name still smells fowl. It is bad enough I have to beat a team on the field but I also have to worry about the so-called impartial Assistant Commish, who rumor has it is trying to gain ultimate control for herself through the slandering of the kind and benevolent Commish that we have now by changing the score to further her cause, but I’m not mentioning any names. I plan on having a few of my associates positioned around the League office this week to make sure no more “irregularities” occur like the last time. I may just have to get my players liquored up and have them open a can of whoop ass on the League officials if I get screwed again. And what the hell is a freaking Fuggle anyway?”

At the head quarters of the bright and cheerful Bouncing Fuggles, the head Fuggle had these comments, “I just couldn’t stand the thought of replacing my beloved Chickens with any other water fowl. As luck would have it, I came across these little critters in a little shop in Chinatown. Mr. Wing, the store’s proprietor, explained that when a Ganarkel has a few too many drinks he’ll basically hump whatever he can find. Well if that happens to be a poor Allophonate, then basically that bastard love child is a Fuggle. The Fuggle’s cheerfulness really lifted my spirits in the dark days following the unfortunate gastronomic incident with my Chickens so I couldn’t help but adopting the little fellow for my new mascot. Mr. Wing mumbled something about being careful when feeding and watering the little guy but I’m sure it isn’t too hard to care for this cuddly little f@#ker.”

Week 9

Any resemblance between the plight of the Fuggles and the movie ‘Gremlins’ is purely coincidental especially if said resemblance gets the author sued.

In this battle between good and evil, the lovable Bouncing Fuggles take on his Evil-ness Sinister P. Chaos reigns at the headquarters of the cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles where it appears the Coach is up to his armpits in Fuggles. “I’m not quite sure what happened. I thought that since my Chickens enjoyed swimming so much that I’d see if my little Fuggle would enjoy it too. Well the next thing you know Fuggles are popping up everywhere. It’s taken me hours to round up the little guys. Herding Fuggles is tougher than herding cats. Well it is almost midnight and the little guys haven’t had their dinner so I’d better get these cute, cuddly and utterly harmless guys fed,” said an unwary Coach.

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P is besieged by a mod of angry villagers. “These cursed villagers show up every year at this time. The run about all willy-nilly waving their silly torches yelling ‘burn him, burn him’. Like I’m some sort of a witch. I mean do I look like I could float on water? I’m an evil Wizard for crissakes. So what if I robbed a few graves and reanimated a few corpses. I mean it isn’t like anyone was still using those body parts and besides I needed another runningback. Looking back maybe I shouldn’t have used Ben Green and Jarvus Ellis for the parts. I would have had better luck with a JimWalter Brown-Payton,” said his Evil-ness.

In the ‘American Psychiatric Association Bipolar Disorder’ Game of the week, the Flora Bears face the Decatur Staleys. The coach of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at his favorite haunt South of the border, ‘Jose Jalapeno’s Tequileria & Pharmacia’. A slightly irritated Hupp had these comments, “Can you believe the bullshit I have to put up with on this team? First I got a fat-ass runningback who is popping diuretics like they’re going out of style. What the Hell is he worried about? Goddamn it, everyone’s ass looks fat in these uniform pants. What’s next, a bad case of freeking acne before the team dance? And don’t get me started on my other pansy ass runningback who as soon as my back is turned starts hobbling around on goddamn crutches. Since when is tweaking a groin grounds for sitting out a game? I’ll rip his blessed groin right off and shove one of those crutches up his ass if he tries that shit again. Then I’ll have me a freeking runningback on a steek. I need another shot!”

All attempts to reach the reclusive Staleys owner failed when our envoy was carried off by Zombies. The Staleys spokesman, Dali Llama al Paca, had these comments, “This week we face the ultimate test of the Dear Leader as he faces one whose very existence imperils His dream of a peaceful and harmonious universe. It will take all the Dear Leaders mastery of the mantra of Hare Krishna and the teachings of the Mahareesh to overcome the karma associated with this ‘Mad Dog’ character. Then again he may just call upon a Zombie Chimsel to rip his ass apart.”

The ‘Thelma & Louise’ game of the week features two teams driving over the edge into the abyss when the Eastside Hacks face the Polar Puddles. Eastside Hacks owner, Meagan, was found at her Olde Courthouse Catacombs complex where she had these comments, “Many in this league had my team dead and buried. However, my team has been imbued with new life and become reanimated with their recent taste of victory. They are now ready to swarm over the League to satisfy this craving and quench their hunger. Nothing can save you from this coming plague (except maybe a good zombie poker). Now if you’ll excuse me, there is a George Romero film festival in town and tonight they’re playing ‘Day of the Dead’.”

At their top secret northern Polar compound, the Puddles regroup after the previous week’s debacle. Asked about the poor performance of her eco-terrorists to date in their jihad El Hornie had this to say, “It may have been a miscalculation to send my second string eco-terrorists to carry out the latest mission. The fools forgot to arm their explosive laden Chimsels so instead of massive devastation all I got was a bunch of squeaking Chimsels running around like teenage boys in heat chasing Reflezels. It ain’t easy being Green.” Team spokesman, Ach(flim)*med had this to add, “Our recent failure was only a minor setback in the eco-jihad. We have developed a weapon of awesome potential that shall leave the ‘leavers-on-of lights’ quaking in fear. This WMD, Walrus of Mass Destruction, is nature’s most perfect weapon for wrecking havoc upon the non-recycler. Do you know how hard it is to clean up tons of walrus blubber blown to bits? And woe to the one who ends up with a tusk up their arse. Be wary eco-infidels for this WMD shall be loosed upon the Global Warming non-believer.”

* The author apologizes for the mischaracterization of Meagan the Spelling Nazi in the previous week’s column as the use or ‘flim’ was not a spelling error but a question of phonics, which is subject to Meagan the Phonics Czar.

In the ‘Girls Gone Wild’ Game of the week, two of the hottest teams in the league, the Swinging Monkeys and the Happy Ninjas, go at it in this must see pay-per-view match-up. The Tree Monkeys are coming off a hard fought victory where only some shrewd coaching moves preserved a victory. Asked about her chances against the suddenly hot Ninjas, a steamy Kristy had these comments; “Unfortunately, Anquan wasn’t able to make the trip with the team for this week’s game. Because of the steel plates holding his face together whenever he passes through a metal detector he pisses his pants and forgets who he is for half an hour. Also, as part of my effort to continually improve our understanding of the environment I’ve enlisted the help of some of the legendary Amazon Warriors to teach us ways of living in harmony with the environment. I’d like to thank their leader, Princess Consuela Bananahammock, for preparing my team for this week’s game. Her instructions in the latest in ecologically friendly ways of maiming an opponent have proved quite useful.”

The following is based on actual events. Well maybe not events. Maybe more like an actual conversation. Ok, maybe certain elements of an actual conversation that makes good fodder for this Newsletter.

In the Back Bedroom of the Ninjas complex, the owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, celebrating her revenge over the cute, cuddly and harmless Fuggles (nee Demon Spawn Water Fowl) had these comments, “I know the final score wasn’t close but without those late 34 points Santana scored for me I would have been left at 69. And I just knew 69 was not going to get the job done for me this time. In the end, I think we left no doubt as to who would come out on top. We certainly gave them a licking that they’ll not soon forget. Not that I condone licking. I mean some people have an aversion to licking. I don’t think you can just go around licking all willy-nilly but there are times when a good licking is called for. I’m just saying. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to put my melons away. And what the heck is a Fuggle!”

In the ‘Sesame Street’ Game of the week, brought to you by the letter’P’, the Petunia Pickin’ Pansies take on the Big Peach. These are hectic times at the Pansies compound, the Pink House. The head Pansy, George W. Shrub, is spending his last few days as the head of this once storied franchise. “I’ve embroiled the team in a losing effort to gain control of this league, and left a wave of financial panic in my wake. I guess I’ve done about all I can do here. It’s off to my Chimsel Ranch in Crawford. You won’t have ol’ Shrub to kick around anymore. My only problem is getting this damn crapper fixed. What I wouldn’t give for a good six couric rated commode. Does anyone know the name of a good plumber?” said Shrub. A rogue diva Para Sailin was found at a Neiman Marcus. “I’m taking part in my annual ‘Shopping for the Homeless’ fundraiser so I can provide the needy with the latest in formal wear. You know even the destitute like to look sharp for a night out on the town dumpster diving. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m late for an appointment with my stylist Joel T. Plummer,” said Sailin. Miss Sailin’s opponent, Barry O’Bama, was found at the Samuel J. Wurzelbacher Foundation symposium on ‘Communism and the Small Business Owner’. A confident O’Bama had these comments, “I’d like to assure all the loyal Pansy fans that I have no plans on changing the way things are run now that I’m…I mean if I become the owner of the team. The members of my coaching staff, Lenin, Marx and Engels will not attempt to redistribute the ball so that all the players share in the wealth of the points equally. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got an appointment with an Interior Decorator about some curtain measurements.”

The owner of the Peaches, Mr. Big, was found at his New York studio where he was auditioning new members for his team. “Since we’ve become the laughing stock of the League with the performance of my current players, I’ve taken a page from my runningback Jon Stewart who has been successful with his ‘Daily Show’. I figure if I can’t beat’em on the field, I’ll just knock’em dead in the Catskills so I’m replacing my washed up players with a bunch of has-been comedians. I’ve already filled a few spots with Joan Rivers now at QB plus Cedric the Entertainer and Darren McGavin at RB. I’ve installed Laverne DeFazio at WR and Art Carney at Kicker. And to top it all off I’ve got an oldie but a goodie, Shecky Green, agreeing to join the team. You’ll have to excuse him though, he just flew in from Vegas and boy are his arms tired <ba-dum-ba>. Thanks a lot folks. I’m here all week. Try the veal,” said Mr. Big.

Week 10

The following week’s Newsletter makes liberal references to Monty Python’s ‘Holy Grail’. I appreciate Mr. Python’s letting me use this material.

……It’s……….the Week 10 Gameday Newsletter

In the ‘Girls Gone Wild Vol. 2’ Game of the week, the hot and steamy Tropical Swingers face the vivacious Eastside Hacks in this Xtremely Xciting Xhibition. The Swingers owner, Kristy was found in the ‘You Tarzan, Me Jane’ Jungle Room of her team complex where she had these comments, “This team has taken a lot of grief over some of the coaching decisions made this season. But I think that you’ll agree that his decision to not show up for this week’s game was definitely one of the better ones he’s made all year. This team really responded to the lack of leadership and turned in one of the best performances of the year as opposed to the Ninja’s coach who snatched victory from the jaws of defeat. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to get some Chapstick. My lips are getting a bit chapped and proper lip hygiene is a must especially for someone who loves their lips. I wouldn’t want them to get swollen and have to go to lip rehab. Oofta!”

The owner of the Eastside Hacks, Meagan, was found at her Mesker Park team complex. “Things are a bit hectic around here right now. The big Water Buffalo Derby is coming up and this year I think I’ve got a good shot at winning. This is one of the biggest races in the world since everybody has a water buffalo. I’ve got to get a bit more training in though since my opponent’s water buffalo is fast and mine is a bit slow. I also had a bit of a set back when my water buffalo got his head caught in a door when I took him to the store. Crap, who spilled the Lima beans on the floor? Now if you’ll excuse me, a Veggie Tale Film Festival is in town and tonight they are showing ‘The Pirates Who Don’t Do Anything’,” said an excited Meagan. *

*The author apologizes for the use of obscure Veggie Tales references that only a few demented readers will appreciate.

The ‘Rug Doctor Carpet Cleaners’ Bad Dog Game of the week has left a Puddle of P on the floor. The owner of the Puddles, Kristy, was found at her secret northern polar compound. “I’d like to clear up a recent misconception on my position on seal clubbing. I have no objection to a seal enjoying a night out drinking and dancing with a group of friends. It is the bashing of their head in with a bat that I have a problem with. As for the recent rumors of my being some sort of eco-terrorist, I condemn the use exploding arctic creatures as a means of convincing people to recycle. However, the bashing of non-recyclers with a bat is not such a bad idea,” said El Hornie. *

* Wi not trei a holiday in Sweden this yer? See the lovely lakes, the wonderful telephone system and the mani interesting furry animals. Including the majestic moose.

Meanwhile, high atop Castle Peachenstein his Evil-ness Sinister P plots his next move. “I hate those damn villagers. It always takes me a month to get the smell of smoke out of my Castle. Those little bastards even brought a Civil Engineer with them this year like they actually had a chance of building a bridge out of me. And they had the biggest damn duck I’ve ever seen with them. I’ve got no clue what that was for. I got rid of them though. I turned them in to newts. They’ll get better though. Damn, those crazed villagers are back. Igor, fetchez la vache!” said his Evil-ness. *

*A moose once bit my sister. No really! She was Karving her initials on the moose with the sharpened end of an interspace toothbrush.

In the ‘Snuggle Fabric Softener’ game of the week, the cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles face the lovable Flora Teddy Bears. The coach of the Bears, ‘Mad Dog’ Hupp, had these comments, “I’ve got the goddamnest group of pansy-assed runningbacks. One gets a freeking crick in his neck and is done for the year, another is going to be pissing in a cup for the rest of the season, and then there is Mr. ‘I Tweaked Something’. I’ll tweak something goddamn it. What the hell are you going to do when your goddamn Kicker is the most consistent player on the damn team? I might as well sign the Rockettes and start the lot of them. I may not win another game but at least the locker room will be a helluva lot more entertaining.”*

*We apologise for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible have been sacked.

The owner of the cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles was found in a broom closet at the team compound with the team’s janitor. “Cute and cuddly, my ass. One minute everyone is enjoying a midnight snack and the next I’ve got these crazed creatures nipping at my heel. The damn things look like a bastard love child of a Chihuahua and a Chimsel. I’m at a loss as to what to do. It looks like we’ll be stuck in here unless my janitor, MacGyver, can figure some way of getting us out of here. Although what you can do with three paperclips, a broomstick, a roll of duct tape, a diesel-powered generator, and a Fusion VPS/I600 lamp system I sure don’t know,” said a desperate Fuggles owner. *

*She got the toothbrush from Svenge – her brother-in-law – an Oslo dentist and star of many Norwegian movies: ‘The Hot Hands of the Oslo Dentist’, ‘Fillings of Passion’, ‘The Huge Molars of Horst Nordfink’.

This week’s sacrifice to the almighty Staleys is the Big Peach. Team Peach owner, Sir Peachahad, was found at his team complex in Camelot in the midst of some sort of demented Renaissance Fair. “You’ll have to excuse us, we’re right in the middle of some new routines and chorus scenes. We practice until we have footwork impecc-able. After which we’ll have a bite to eat. We dine well here in Camelot. Although we eat ham and jam and spam a lot. Did you know that in between guests we sequin vests? And impersonate Clark Gable. It’s a busy life in Camelot. Shoot, it is my turn to push the pram a lot,” said Sir Peachahad. On second thought we’ll skip the interview at Camelot. It’s a silly place. *

*Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretty nasti…

Attempts to contact the owner of the Staleys were thwarted when our envoy was trampled by a herd of Llamas*. The Staleys spokesman, Dali Llama al Paca had these comments, “You dappy English kkkkniggits. Your mother was a hampster and your father smelt of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time.”

*40 specially trained Ecuadorian Mountain Llamas, 6 Venezuelan Red Llamas, 142 Mexican Whooping Llamas, 14 North Chilean Guanacos (closely related to the llama) and Reg Llama of Brixton

The final matchup of the week pits the Side Hallway Happy Ninjas and the Pansies. The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found on this blustery day outside her ‘Side Hallway Bush and Shrub Emporium’. “Ni! These pansy Pansies have no chance to pass the mighty Ninjas who say Ni. We shall bring the GM Shrub-bery to his knees. He shall be forced to cut down the mightiest tree in the forest with…a herring! Icky-icky-icky-pikang- zoop-boing!” said the Ninjas who formerly said Ni. *

*We apologise again for the fault in the subtitles. Those responsible for sacking the people, who have just been sacked, have been sacked.

Behind the headquarters of the Pansies, Shrub is seen sneaking out the back door. “As my final act I stole all the ‘O’s off all the keyboards. Let’s see Barry run a successful team without any ‘O’,” said a rapidly irrelevant Shrub. Para Sailin was seen with Neiman Marcus bags strapped to her back, riding off into the distance on the back of a snowmobile with a studly frontiersman. And as she rode out of sight the Palinator exclaimed, “I’ll be back!” Meanwhile, out front of the Pansies headquarters, Big Momma’s House, a new administration is moving in. When asked about the move the wife of the new GM, Yomamma Bama, had these comments, “Well we’re movin on up, to the east side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky. Movin on up to the east side. We finally got a piece of the pie.” The new GM, Barry Bama, when asked about what it means to be the first of his ethnicity to head up a team had these comments, “I had a dream.”*

* I say to you today, my friends, so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident: that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of interposition and nullification; one day right there in Alabama, little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today.

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight, and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed, and all flesh shall see it together.

This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

This will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with a new meaning, "My country, 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing. Land where my fathers died, land of the pilgrim's pride, from every mountainside, let freedom ring."

And if America is to be a great nation this must become true. So let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire. Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York. Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of Pennsylvania!

Let freedom ring from the snowcapped Rockies of Colorado!

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California!

But not only that; let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia!

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee!

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi. From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom to ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual, "Free at last! free at last! thank God Almighty, we are free at last!"

GO BAMA, ROLL TIDE!

Week 11

In the ‘Metropolitan Opera’ Game of the week, the Big Peach faces the Puddles, two teams for whom the fat lady is preparing to sing about their playoff hopes. At the Puddles secret northern polar compound, the Puddles owner, Kristy, had these comments about her team’s performance, “The curse of the Puddles is really starting to take a toll on my roster. Poor Mr. Torain hadn’t been on my roster a day before he basically has his leg ripped off in a game, and he was just sitting on my bench. I’d hate to think what would have happened had I actually started the kid. And on top of that I’ve got to put up with these damn annoying neighbors. It is impossible to concentrate in the team meetings with all that hammering going on in their workshop. I complain, but all I get is that it is their ‘busy season’. And don’t get me started on all the reindeer crap that is all over the practice field.”

The owner of the Big Peach, Mr. Big, was found in Detroit at the ‘Smooth Walker Clothing Emporium’ where he offered up these comments, “As the drive for the playoffs begins, I’ve decided I’ve really got to take my wardrobe to the next level. Leading the league in ‘GQ rating’ just isn’t going to get it done. Sweater vests can only take you so far. At some point you’ve got to pimp things up a bit. Smooth is hooking me up with the latest style of ‘Doctor Detroit Pimp Boots’ and a smart black velvet jacket. All I need after that is a Limited edition Doctor Detroit Purple Floppy-brimmed hat and a white scarf. Eat your heart out Ladies of Fares.”

The Ninjas face a Staleys squad coming off perhaps the most stunning upset since David beat Goliath. The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found quietly resting in her back bedroom. “I’ve been feeling a little down lately. The Ninjas are all but out of the playoff picture and with the blustery rainy weather of late. This weather isn’t even fit for six little ducks. And mind you I hate ducks. I don’t care if they are fat ducks, skinny ducks, or fair ducks too. And especially little ducks with feathers on their back who leads the others around going quack, quack, quack. All those ducks do is wibble-wobble, wibble-wobble to and fro down to the river they go. Quack, Quack ,Quack! Ah, to hell with it. I’m going back to bed,” said a not so happy Meagan.

Attempts to contact the reclusive owner of the Staleys were derailed when our envoy was overcome by a herd of Heebie-Jeebies. The spokesman for the Staleys, Dali Llama al Paca, had these comments, “Our scholars have been scrambling since the loss of biblical proportions this past week trying to divine its meaning. They’ve found a reference in Revelations, ‘And there went out another horse that was orange: and power was given to him that sat thereon to take peace from the earth, and that they should kill one another. And his name was the Big Peach.’ We aren’t sure but there seems to be a connection between our loss and the Apocalypse. We’ve all been sitting around singing Kumbaya hoping to stave off the End of Days.”

As the season winds to a close, this matchup between the Swingers and Sinister P features two teams locked in a battle for a playoff spot. The owner of the Swingers, Kristy, was found at a celebrity fundraiser for ‘Numerical Tourette’s Syndrome’ where she had these comments, “I’m glad I could use my…SIX…celebrity status to aid this misunderstood problem. Many of the…FOUR…sufferers of this disorder often face…NINE…ridicule as they try to go about their daily lives. Hopefully, with the…TWO…advances of modern science this disorder…EIGHT…will soon be a thing of the past.”

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein his Evil-ness Sinister P plots his next move. “I’ve brought in my old pal from Wizard school ‘Miracle Max’ assist in my sinister plot to reach the playoffs because frankly it’ll take a miracle for this sorry team to make it. If anyone can breath a little life into this team he’s the one. Nothing in life would please me more than to reach the playoffs. Except maybe for a nice MLT – mutton, lettuce and tomato sandwich, where the mutton is nice and lean and the tomato is ripe. They’re so perky, I just love that,” said a slightly distracted P.

The Flora Bears are in a fight for their playoff lives against the surprising Eastside Hacks who have all but clinched a playoff spot. The owner of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at William Perry’s Appliance Shop where he had these comments, “Get me a goddamn can opener! I’ve got a can of whoop ass I need to open. I’ve brought in ‘Samurai Mike’ to get these pansies motivated for a playoff run. K-nute freeking Rockne ain’t got nothing on the ol’ Samurai when it comes to motivational speeches. You’ve got to admire a guy who will drop his freeking pants to get a team fired up. Of course it may not have been the most appropriate time to ‘pull out’ that ploy since he was coaching at St. Mary’s of the Woods Convent at the time. Butt that is neither here nor there. The point is he knows how to get a team excited.”

The owner of the Eastside Hacks, Meagan, was located at her Mesker Park compound. “We’re all saddened this week by the passing of Jordie the Indian (dot) Rhino. As with all famous artists he had a few peculiarities but his genius was beyond doubt. We thought he might have gone a bit too far when he sliced off his horn in honor of his favorite artist, van Gogh. I’m not saying that van Gogh was horny. Although anyone that lops an ear off for a brothel wench is probably a little bit randy. It’s just that a rhino without a horn is basically an armor plated hippo. And we already got one of those. Now if someone happens to have a few extra ground hogs around we’re always in the market for those. You can’t have enough ground hogs. I’ll gladly trade you a few demon spawn peacocks for a ground hog. Now if you’ll excuse me there is an Eddie Murphy Film Festival in town and tonight they’re showing ‘Dr. Doolittle’,” said an obviously distraught Meagan.

In the ‘Mom’s Apple Pie’ Game of the week, two teams which represent all that is just and good in the world, the Pansies and the cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles, meet in this epic match up of the kindest most benevolent and caring owners this side of Mother Teresa and Gandhi. The owner of the Fuggles was found at his new Saharan team complex. “After last week’s little incident with Fuggles and water, I’m not taking anymore chances. It’s nothing but dehydrated food and powdered milk here at the new team compound. If it weren’t for the quick thinking of my janitor, MacGyver, we’d still be trapped in that closet. Lucky for us, he was able to fire up diesel-powered generator and connect it to the Fusion VPS/I600 lamp system, which provided us enough light to fashion a Zombie Fuggle poker out of the three paperclips, a broomstick, and a roll of duct tape. Those Zombie Fuggles never stood a chance after that,” said the Fuggles owner.

At the Pansies’ team compound, Big Momma’s House, the bright blue sky and twittering of bluebirds is almost overwhelming in the awesome-ness of the dawning of a new age where the deer and the antelope play, where seldom is heard a discouraging word and the skies are not cloudy all day. The wife of the GM-elect, Yomamma Bama, was found at a local animal shelter picking out a new team mascot. “I’m torn between this mix of cockapoo and a shih-tzu, a cock-o-shihtz, or this mix of Killarney Irish Setter and White-haired skye terrier, a Killa-whitey terrierist,” said Yomamma. The new GM-elect was found in consultation with his new team strategist Malcolm. “You can just call him Mr. X. We are planning on installing a Left Wing T formation in the offense where the ball is liberally redistributed. Essentially spreading the wealth of points to all the formerly oppressed players, who through no fault of their own, were prevented from enjoying the fruits of the other’s labor,” said Bama.

Week 12

In a game that a loss means elimination from the playoffs, the Flora Bears face a Polar Puddles team which is already making other plans for the holidays. The owner of the Puddles was found at her secret northern polar compound. “I haven’t had much time to focus on running this team with all the trouble I’ve been having with my neighbor. Things have really come to a head this past week. We’ve had to move practice indoors what with all the reindeer flying about. I don’t know if you’ve ever had a bird crap on your head, but I can tell you one thing. You do NOT what to be outside with a herd of reindeer flying about above you. I tried to broach the subject with the fellow that owns the place and that jolly, fat bastard called me a prostitute. He walked right up and called me a ‘HO’, and he kept repeating it like I hadn’t heard him the first time. I’ll show him. I’ve activated SPF 30, that’s my Special Puffin Force Tactical Response team. Game on!” said a scroogey Kristy.

The coach of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at ‘Rafael’s Cachacaria and Bauble Factory’ in beautiful and sunny Brazil. “Sunny my ass. There’s enough smog down here to choke an alpaca. As for beauty, all I’ve seen is goddamn rainforest. Everywhere you freeking look, it’s trees, trees, trees. I don’t know why they don’t just burn the damn things down,” said a not so eco-friendly Mad Dog. Asked about his team’s chances of making the playoffs an animated Mad Dog had these comments, “Playoffs?!? Playoffs? I’d be surprised if this team could make their way home from the freeking game. Cassel is the only guy I let on the bus after the miserable freeking performance the rest of them put up. I’m about ready to put the lot of them out of my misery and just go Penquin hunting.”

The Tropical Swingers control their own playoff destiny as they head into the final weeks of the season. The owner of the Tropical Swingers was found at her Amazon team compound. “I feel a great disturbance in the Force. It is as if thousands of trees cried out in fear,” said Obe Gyn Kristobi. Asked about her team’s chances of making the playoffs for the first time Kristy had these comments, “We’ll find some way of blowing our chance at the post-season. The team bus will probably drive off a cliff on the way to the game. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the team all come down with a case of the Penquin Flu or contracted poliosis.”

The all-powerful Staleys look to have the top seed for the playoffs all but locked up. Attempts to contact the reclusive owner where foiled when our envoy became intoxicated with some Wild Turkeys. The team spokesman, Dali Llama al Paca had these comments; “The Dear Leader is still devastated with the loss suffered at the hands of the Peach Horseman of the Apocalypse. I’ve had to take the extraordinary step of bringing in one of his closest spiritual advisors to help him through his recovery and get him ready for the playoffs. I’ve flown his advisor in off his recent spirit-ual tour of the Orient where he has spent the last few days communing with as many spirits he could find. I’m confident Dr. Phil’s abell to get the Dear Leader’s mind right in time for the playoffs.”

In this cute and cuddly match-up the Bouncing Fuggles face the Eastside Hacks. The owner of the Fuggles was found in the cafeteria preparing for the team’s Thanksgiving dinner. “It’s a Thanksgiving tradition of mine to try and prepare the team a lovely turkey dinner. The last few years I’ve had a bit of a problem as the turkey has been just too tough. This year I’ve enlisted the help of Chef O.B. Vious to help me prepare the feast. He has suggested placing the turkey in a bag to help with my problem. I’m not sure it’ll work but I’ll give it a shot.” A huge commotion breaks out in the kitchen, pots and pans a-clanging, and the sound of one very pissed off turkey mingles with the curses of a thoroughly over-matched cook. “The son of a bitch tried to poke my eyes out! If that bastard doesn’t get in the oven this year I swear I’ll strangle the thing,” said a defeated Pilgrim.

The owner of the Eastside Hacks, Meagan, was found at here Perdue Turkey farm preparing for the upcoming holiday. A wicked gleam fills her eyes as she comments on this week’s match-up, “This is my favorite time of the year. The thought of thousands of these demon spawn getting what they so richly deserve is almost more than I can handle. I’ll rip the waddle right off the little devils. If I had my way we’d celebrate Thanksgiving every month. My dream is to one day have added to the menu chickens, ducks and especially those cursed Turduckens. I’d like to find the evil bastard that created that bane to fowl-fearing people and rip his snood off. Now off with their heads and break out the Pumpkin pie! If you’ll excuse me, there is a John Candy Film Festival in town and tonight they’re playing ‘Planes, Trains, and Automobiles’.”

The Ninjas need to win both of their remaining games to have a chance to make the playoffs and next week they face their bitter rival the Hacks who always play them tough [wink, wink, nudge, nudge]. This week the Ninjas face the Big Peach, which at this point is only playing for pride. The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found on the front drive of her team compound where she had these comments, “With my playoff chances looking a bit bleak, I’ve had to look for some other means of supplementing my income. I’ve opened up a little refreshment stand and enlisted the help of my good friend Winnie to serve as my celebrity spokesman. I’ll be offering up a variety of cool and refreshing beverages. So I’d like to encourage everyone to come on down and have a taste of some Pooh Tang.”

The owner of the Peaches, Mr. Big, was found at a Faber College Alumni function. “Being back here at ol’ Faber really brings back memories. I spent the 10 best years of my life here at the Delta Tau Chi house. My only regret is that I never finished my junior year. I’ve heard the remarks that the playoffs are out of reach and that our season is over. OVER?! It’s not over until I say it’s over. Was it over when the Germans bomber Pearl Harbor? Hell no. And it ain’t over now. ‘Cause when the going gets tough………the……………the………..tough get goin’? LET’S DO IT!” said Bluto.

The ‘Flomax BPH’ Game of the week, where the P keeps coming, features the Sinister P and the Petunia Pickin’ Pansies. The new owner of the Pansies, Barry Obama, was found at the team compound, Big Momma’s House. “We’ve been trying to get moved in but we’ve run into a bit of a snag. It’s seems some goddamn Pirates hijacked the truck with all our furniture. They’re even holding my wife, mother-in-law and our new dog, Cracker, hostage. The bastard’s spokesman, Captain Hornigold, is demanding a million dollars or they’ll do unspeakable things to all that I hold dear. Now it is one thing to threaten a man’s dog, but to threaten the one that is closet to a man’s heart, that which he holds most dear is really crossing the line. If those bastards lay a finger on my 60” Plasma Laservue HDTV I’ll send the freeking Marines to hunt their asses to every corner of the globe. Besides I give them three days tops before those sorry assed Pirates are begging me to take everything back. By that time my wife, Yomamma, and her mother will be driving them freeking nuts,” said Obama.

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P plots his next move. “My creative juices really get flowing at this time of year. My first attempt at fowl immortality, the Chickey, didn’t turn out as I planned. Those scrawny chicken legs just couldn’t support a fat ass turkey body. It was a stroke of genius to throw a little duck into the mix though. And I didn’t think I would ever be able to top the Turducken. Those web-footed, snooded, creatures clucking about puts a gleam in my eye as I think about the feat they bring to fowl-fearing people everywhere. However, if my latest plan works this could be the most fearsome creature yet. Igor, bring me a pheasant! Nothing up my sleeve. Presto! It’s alive. My God, it’s a Phuckenturkey,” said the diabolical Sinister P.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!

Opening Round Playoff Preview

The League heads into the Playoffs with the all-powerful Decatur Staleys and those cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles receiving first round byes for winning their respective divisions. The reclusive owner of the Staleys is using the bye week to prepare his team for their run at the Championship and achieving their ultimate goal of total dominance over all who dared to challenge their Supremacy. While the owner of the cute and cuddly Fuggles is using the off week to recover from the second degree burns and pecking injuries received from an unfortunate flaming turkey incident on Thanksgiving.

In this battle of mediocrity the grumpy Flora Bears take on the always sassy Monkey Swingers. The owner of the Swingers, Kristy, was found at her Amazonia compound contemplating her team’s recent lackluster performance. “We’ve sort of backed into the playoff with the dismal performance of this team of late. Frankly, if it weren’t for the pathetic quality of the competition I’d be sitting at home right now. As it is, I’ve asked an expert to help me out and see if he can figure out what is wrong with this team. Hopefully, Dr. Phil’s abell to give me some advice,” said a desperate Kristy. “My first thought was this team may have been afflicted with the Penquin Flu. However, after careful consideration I’d say this team has one of the worst cases of ‘SuckyAssPlayer Syndrome’ that I’ve ever seen. My suggestion is to take then out into the jungle and serve them up a little cyanide laced Pooh Tang,” said the good doctor.

The owner of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, was found preparing for his usual holiday ritual. “Every year I like to dress up as Santa and spread a little holiday cheer. I know that many of you probably feel that playing Santa wouldn’t be a good fit for someone with my temperament and personality. However, the look on their little faces as they climb up on my lap and tell me what they’d like for Christmas just tugs at the old heart strings. Hearing their little giggle when they answer the question of whether they’ve been naughty or nice really brings out the jolly ol’ elf in me. Plus you’d be surprised how much these college sororities pay to have a Santa at their holiday parties. It’s a tough job but somebody has to do it. Personally I really like the naughty ones. HO, HO, HO. Merry freeking Christmas,” said one bad Santa.

In the other opening round matchup, the Pansies face a perky Eastside Hacks. The owner of the Hacks, Meagan, was found at her Center City office at the Civitan Theatre where she was working on her annual Christmas production. “This year I’m adapting an old Christmas favorite into a live stage performance. The vivid imagery invoked by this carol always brings tears to my eyes and I swore that if ever given the chance I would put on a performance that no one would ever forget. So after years of being bombarded with that cursed ’12 Days of Christmas’ and all the glorification of those hated demon spawn fowl I’ll finally have my revenge. Those seven swans a swimming are going to be fitted with concrete shoes and start swimming with the fishes. And those cursed six geese a laying are going to be laying out on a chopping block with a nice sharp ax bringing them a special little gift. While those four calling birds are going to be calling 911 before I’m through with them. How does three French FRIED hens sound for the Holidays? And for the grand finale I’ll take those two turtledoves and the damn partridge and put them in a tree but those pears are going to be replaced with half a dozen hand grenades. Now that’s what I call a Merry Christmas. Now if you’ll excuse me there is a Darren McGavin Film Festival in town, and tonight they’re playing ‘A Christmas Story’,” said a jolly Meagan.

The owner of the Pansies, Barry O’Bama, was found at the team compound, Big Momma’s House, preparing for his new administration. “It has become quite evident that the previous administration has left this team in complete shambles. The team’s finances are in tatters, our reputation in the league has never been worse, and the constant bickering and in-fighting amongst the employees makes it impossible to get anything done. I’m looking at changing that with the selection of a new Cabinet that will aid me in my stay at Big Momma’s House. My only problem is deciding between the traditional Cherry finish English kitchen style, or a more sleek modern contemporary style,” said O’Bama.

As the League heads into the second season, a few teams are left to reflect on the season and what could have been. The not so jovial owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found clearing out her front office. “This whole year I’d preached to this team the importance of limiting mistakes during the game to give us the best chance at winning. To not shoot ourselves in the foot as it were. Alas, I thought I was just speaking metaphorically. Well it seems I should have added freeking nightclubs to the list of places my players should be careful so as not to shoot themselves in the goddamn foot. I’m thinking in my next speech I’m going to suggest that they not shove a stick of dynamite up their ass and jump off a freeking cliff. I’m almost happy this season is over so I cut all these bastards. Despite all these messes, we were in the mix right up until the last game. And while I’m sure a lot of owners would be magnanimous and mention what a good season they had. How if they had caught a few breaks here and there things might have been different…yadda, yadda, yadda. Well I’m freeking pissed. I missed out on the playoffs and my chance at glory by one game! ONE GAME! Now, as I reflect on the season is there any game that stands out in my mind where things could have turned out differently. Where maybe ONE POINT here or there may have turned the outcome of a game around. Where ONE POINT may have snatched a sure victory from our hands and given us a highly suspicious and undeserved defeat. Where maybe by the evil machinations of an Assistant Commish, jealous of the kind and benevolent Commish, would shrewdly manipulate a game’s outcome to turn public sentiment against him in a blatant attempt to seize power for herself. Nope, I can’t think of a one,” said Meagan.

Meanwhile high atop Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P was found in his lab contemplating his next move. “Maybe I’m not cut out for a life of evil. My wand seems to have lost some of its potency as I get older and just isn’t performing as well as I’d like. My family, however, has long been after me to join them in running the family business. They’ve taken to raising some of my creations and even started a thriving farm. Maybe getting out of this drafty old castle and into the clean air will help recharge my batteries and get these old juices flowing again. I think I may just have to join my siblings down at Mother’s Phuckenturkey Farm,” said a not so Sinister P.

At her secret Northern Polar compound, the owner of the Puddles, Kristy, was found lying in a ditch next to the front drive. “I’m not quite sure what happened. I was carrying my recyclables out to the curb, as any good environmentally conscious person should do, when I heard the faint sound of bells. Well the next thing I know I’m waking up here in a ditch. On top of that I’ve got hoof prints on my forehead and incriminating Clause marks on my back. I’ll bet it was that jolly fat bastard that lives next store to me. I wouldn’t trust that man as far as I could throw him. I mean the man drives a sleigh and plays with elves for crissakes. I guess he may be a little pissed since I had my Special Puffin Force bomb his toy workshop, but that’s still no excuse for running over a person,” said a scroogey Kristy.

The owner of the Big Peach, Mr. big, was found spending the Holiday season at the local Mall at an upscale men’s clothing store. “I’ve decided to put my powers of good taste and excellent coordination to good use to aid those less fortunate this holiday season. It will also give me a chance to hone my skills for next season. I’m looking to really shake up this league next year by taking my level of dress up another notch. There is a new European style of pleating that I’m looking to try out and lend a more Cosmopolitan air to this league. I’ve also heard rumors of an Oriental sleeve rolling technique that bears investigating,” said Mr. Big.

The above article was what originally appeared in the Newsletter. After the edition went to print however new information came to light that was just too good pass up which prompted the writing of the following article, a Yearbook Extra.

The owner of the Big Peach, Mr. Big, was found knee deep in water. “I’ve decided to supplement my income this off-season by starting my own plumbing service. I was just finishing off my first victim…I mean helping a customer when I hit a bit of a snag. I got the old commode flapper fixed without a hitch, however, I noticed a bit of a leak around the fetzer valve. Now how hard can replacing a fetzer valve be? All you gotta do is turn the thing off and cut it right on out. Slap a new one in, badda-bing, badda-boom. Who knew that once you cut that valve off that nothing would hold back the water? You’d be surprised at how much water those fetzer valves hold. And what sort of a moron puts the main shutoff in the basement away from all the other plumbing thingamagiggies? Well I finally got everything under control and the nice lady has a brand new flapper plus a lovely waterfall that I gave her at no charge,” said Pat the Plumber.

Playoffs: The Final Four

The Petunia Pickin’ Pansies’ dream of a repeat Championship came to an end at the hands of a vicious beatdown by the Eastside Hacks. The new owner of the Pansies, Barry O’Bama , was found at the team compound, Big Momma’s House. “Things have really taken a turn for the worse around here lately. I’ve been focusing my time trying to fix the financial mess the previous administration left me, and now I’ve got a new problem to deal with. My wife, Yomamma, was pulling the Escalade into the garage when she accidentally hit the wrong pedal. Well the Escalade went over the Prius and crashed into the Chevy Volt taking all three through the back wall of the garage before crashing into the large Oak tree in the backyard practically knocking it over before finally coming to rest in the pool. Luckily, our pool boy, Pedro, was able to avoid the vehicles by diving into the pool. However, when the Volt hit the water poor Pedro lit up like a Christmas tree. Fortunately, he escaped with only a little scorching. Now I’ve been left with the problem of bailing out the autos and stabilizing the Big Tree,” said an exasperated O’Bama.

The Flora Bears saw their season end with a one-point loss to the Monkey Swinger. The coach of the Bears, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at his favorite watering hole contemplating the off-season. “That’s the last goddamn time I play that bastard Romo. The man spends too much time making goo-goo eyes at his damn floozy girlfriend and not enough at what’s happening on the field. Hell, if you can’t hit your teammate with a pass you might as well throw it at the broad. At least the ball won’t get picked off and cost me the damn game,” fumed Mad Dog. Asked about his off-season plans Mad Dog replied, “I’ve got me a teaching gig lined up at the Community College. I was going to teach an Anger Management class, but it seems they already hired Bobby Knight for that position. Instead I get to teach ‘The Use of Electroshock Devices as a Motivational Tool’. It definitely sounds like a stimulating course.”

The following pays homage to the ‘Greatest Story Ever Told’, ‘A Christmas Story’ based on the stories of Jean Shepherd. If you liked the movie, you’ll love the book ‘In God We Trust All Others Pay Cash’ which is a collection of his work. That’s it, no joke. Just a recommendation from one renowned Hoosier writer for another.

The first Final Four match-up features the all-powerful Staleys against the Tropical Swingers. The owner of the Tree Monkeys was found at her Amazonia complex. “I’ve pulled out all the stops in my attempt to beat the seemingly invincible Staleys. I’ve enlisted the help of some agents to purloin the Staleys’ game plan. They’ve encoded their findings in a top-secret code known only to a select few. Luckily, I’ve been appointed a member of ‘Little Orphan Annie’s Secret Circle’ and am entitled to all the honors and benefits thereto. So now with the aid of my ‘Little Orphan Annie’ decoder ring I can decode the message. I’ve set the pin to ‘B-12’, now 7…B; 22…E, aha BE the first word is BE. 13…S; 19…U. It’s coming easier now. Here it is…’BE SURE TO DRINK YOUR OVALTINE. Ah for crying out loud, a crummy commercial,” said a disappointed Kristy.

Attempts to contact the Staleys reclusive owner failed when our envoy was attacked by the Bumpus hounds. The spokesman for the Staleys, Dali Llama al Paca had this to say, “There are those who would challenge the dominance of the all-powerful Staleys. Well I double dare anyone to try and lick this team. In fact I double dog dare you! Come on, is there anyone who would try to lick us? Well I TRIPLE DOG DARE you!”*

*The author apologizes for the slight breech in etiquette of jumping from a double dog dare straight to a triple dog dare.

The other match features the always cute and cuddly Bouncing Fuggles and the always perky Eastside Hacks. The owner of the Fuggles was found at his team compound eagerly awaiting a delivery. “I’ve recently received word that I’ve been given a major award. The award is being delivered at this very moment. Ah yes, here it is. The box is marked ‘Fra-gee-lay’, oh, it must be Italian. Be patient as I tear into this and see what it is. Wait here it is…it’s…it’s a leg! That’s right a leg. Well it must be a statue. Gee, a statue. Wait, there is something else here. Well would you look at this. Do you know what this is? It’s a lamp! What a beautiful lamp. This will look great right here in the front window of the team complex,” said the old man, with the glow of electric sex shining in the background.

The owner of the Hacks, Meagan, was found at her Cleveland Street compound where she was found dreaming of the perfect Christmas. “What I’d really like for Christmas this year is an official Red Ryder carbine-action 200 shot range model air rifle with a compass in the stock and this thing that tells time. I don’t think that a football makes a very good Christmas gift. I’ve been a good girl this year overall. There may have been a few incidents of naughtiness here or there but nothing that Santa could hold against me. I mean that whole ‘pink bunny suit’ incident was completely overblown. Of course I’d promise to never to shoot people or animals except of course those demon spawn fowl. It’s open season on those bastards. Now if you’ll excuse me there is a Peter Billingsly Film Festival in town and tonight they’re playing ‘A Christmas Story’,” said a pink nightmare.

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

The Fantasy Bowl

The Fantasy Bowl kicks off this week with the surprisingly hot Eastside Hacks facing the seemingly invincible Decatur Staleys. The Staleys have been a dominant force this entire season and it is no surprise to find them in the Championship game. Attempts to reach the reclusive owner of the Staleys for comments on his Championship appearance succeeded. Really? He’s actually available for comment? Now that’s something completely different. Asked about his self-imposed exile all season the Staleys owner replied, “All I know is that before settling in for the kickoff of the season I made a stop at the bathroom. Trying to exit after taking care of a little pre-game business I found myself locked inside. Luckily, I had a pack of jerky with me or I don’t know how I would have survived the entire season locked in the john. I’m pretty sure who was responsible for my imprisonment. I bet it was my roommates the Fungle Brothers, Dave and Jim. Those clowns are notorious practical jokers and electricity wasters. Those clowns figured on grabbing all the glory for my success this season, not to worry though I’ll get me a little payback. So what has happened this year? How’s my team doing? I’d love to know what has transpired over the course of the season. Is there any Yearbook or some such compilation of weekly updates that would bring me up to speed?”

The Staleys surprise opponent is the Eastside Hacks. The perky owner of the Hacks was found in the Men’s Locker room at the YMCA. “For this team to be playing this late in the season is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. And since I’ve had my headquarters all over town this year I wanted to go someplace where I hadn’t been before. Well since my team made this unprecedented trip to Championship game all that basically left the men’s locker room here at the Y as the last place in town I hadn’t been. I must say there isn’t much to look at. It looks like the water in the pool must be cold though. By the way have you seen what I can do with a swizzle stick?” said Meagan.

The owner of the Bouncing Fuggles was found shivering at his team compound standing over the remains of his shattered major award. “I don’t know what happened. One moment my leg lamp was blazing forth in all its glory. And then my secretary while watering the plants ‘accidentally’ knocks it over. She was always jealous of that lamp, jealous that I won. Then she went and used up all the glue, on purpose, so that I couldn’t fix it. Alas, I’ll have to lay the shattered remains of my major award to rest out in the backyard. <clink, clank, clink> It’s a CLINKER! Dab blasted furnace. Who the Hell turned down the damper! Frick, frackin’ snarfle fargin’ god blasted piec-o-shat frabber. There that ought fix this old relic,” said the most feared furnace-fighter in all of Indiana.

The following article was prompted by the plight of polar bears that because of their shrinking habitat have been forced to resort to cannibalism by the males of the females (really, true story). Of course, the males obviously have not entirely thought through the ultimate outcome of this decision

The owner of the Tree Monkeys, Kristy, was found at her Amazonia complex. “Well I’m disappointed that my season is over, it does give me more time to devote to my eco-do-goodie-ness. I’m heading up north after this season to see to one of my pet causes that is near and dear to my heart. I’m always striving to bring the plight of endangered animals to the public’s attention. While the plight of the polar bear as a whole has been well documented there is a small group of polar bears that is not getting the attention it deserves. From global warming to Proposition 8 this poor misunderstood group faces untold discrimination and difficulties as its habitat is destroyed and its lifestyle is questioned. Only through our efforts can these gay, cannibal polar bears be saved,” said Kristy.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Congratulations to this Year’s Champion:

Decatur Staleys*

Eastside Hacks*

*The Champion was not yet determined as this Yearbook went to print. Once the Champion is determined please just white out the’ loser’.

Acknowledgement

I’d like to thank all my coworkers whose antics, quirks and foibles provided the fodder for this Newsletter. I couldn’t have written this without your help. I’d also like to thank you for not knocking me over the head for taking liberties with your personalities. I’m counting on all of you to continue the good work throughout the off-season so that there can be a second Yearbook edition.

Bouncing Fuggles

Sunday, September 11, 2011

2008 Yearbook

Preseason Preview

The above article was what originally appeared in the Newsletter. After the edition went to print however new information came to light that was just too good pass up which prompted the writing of the following article, a Yearbook Extra.

Playoffs: The Final Four

The Fantasy Bowl

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