The First Annual Gala Live Fantasy Draft Blowout
Extravaganza is only a few days away.
The key to any successful Fantasy Draft is preparation, in-depth Fantasy
knowledge and a sharpened pencil. Knowing
the drafting habits of your fellow owners is the first step in total Fantasy
domination. So as a service to the League, this intrepid reporter has been
holed up at the League’s Fantasy Mansion working tirelessly with the crack
staff of Fantasy-mates, who are well endowed with Fantasy knowledge, compiling
all you need to know to make your Draft successful. By studying past drafts, interviews, and
covert surveillance this reporter has assembled a comprehensive profile of each
owner which will aid in planning your Draft strategy and should provide a
comfortable retirement to said reporter if certain owners do not want certain
photos made public.
The owner of Da Bears, Rick, had this to say when quizzed
about his strategy, ‘I’ve found that most owners will bog themselves down in
details by studying the roster of every team in the league. By limiting myself to only the roster of the
Chicago Bears I don’t clutter my draft sheet with worthless players. This enables me to make quick selections
while still eating a healthy supply of wings.’
The coach of the Sunshine, the saucy Susie Soleil, has this
approach when drafting, ‘Because of the eco-friendly nature of this team, I’ll
only draft players that are like minded.
I focus on players from teams like the Cardinals, Eagles, or
Falcons. I love the Dolphins, those
cuddly little Lions and the frolicking Colts.
I stay away from enemies of nature like those despicable soot-belching
Steelers. I also won’t be fooled by
rebranding like those nasty Titans tried.
They will always be Oilers to me.’
The owner of the BALLAZ, Mr. Small, had these insights into
drafting, ‘MOST PEOPLE LIKE TO DRAFT THAT BIG QB OR RECEIVER BUT NOT ME. I STAY AWAY FROM THOSE FRANKENSTEIN-LIKE
PLAYERS, LIKE PEYTON MANNING.
FRANKENSTEIN NEVER SCARED ME. I
GO FOR THE SMALL PLAYER BECAUSE THEY’RE QUICK, LIKE MARSUPIALS. THAT’S HOW YOU STRIKE FEAR INTO AN
OPPONENT. I STILL HAVEN’T GOTTEN OVER
THE DISAPPOINTMENT OF DOUG FLUTIE’S RETIREMENT.’
Randall’s head Rascal, our little Honey Badger Ashley, had
this advice for the novice drafter, ‘To be successful you have to defy the
conventional strategies. This crap about
drafting runningbacks and receivers is for losers. If you want to be a winner I got two words
for you. Kickers and Quarterbacks! That’s all you need. As for any mocking, tell them Honey Badger
don’t care, Honey Badger don’t give a shit.’
The owner of the Savants, Justin, has a unique approach to
drafting, ‘After careful studying of last year’s disappointing choke-fest, I
figured out what went wrong. It was all
those freaking old guys on my team. Do
you realize I had a guy that was 35 years old?
No wonder my team faded down the stretch, having to drag the carcasses
of those relics. Seeing as 28 is the
athletic peak for a male, this year I’m only drafting those players that were
born in 1983.’
The Engineer’s Chief Engineer, Dr. Phil, uses a more
scientific approach to drafting. He was
found in his lab putting the finishing touches on his new and improved Draft
Algorithm, ‘After last season’s dreadful performance I went back to the drawing
board and designed a totally new draft algorithm. My latest creation the Fantasy Draft
Dominatrix 2.0 Fourier Algorithmic Matrix uses the latest in chaos theory and
S&M while incorporating all historic draft data. This will give me a decided advantage over
the digitally challenged in this League.
In fact I just ran a mock draft and can give you a little preview of its
power. Let’s see, according to this, the
first pick in this year’s draft should be…Joe Montana. I’m really feeling good about this year.’
Happy Ninjas owner, the always Glee-ful Meagan, was found
preparing for her latest internet venture, ‘My Drunk Fantasy’, ‘There are
plenty of sites where casual fans can find answers to their Fantasy
questions. My site however is geared
towards the more hardcore fan. No other
site can offer my insightful insights or alcohol content. In my first episode I’ll explain my draft
strategy, which is basically liquor and guessing. However, I have added my own unique
twist. I’ve found that by scanning the
police blotter I can be assured of selecting one of the many felons, domestic
abusers and puppy kickers that inevitably end up on my roster. Frederick! Where’s the blender?’
With multiple Championships under his belt, the coach of the
Pansies has much to teach about a sound draft strategy, ‘Actually I’ve found
that a successful draft isn’t really that difficult. I mean monkeys with darts
could do it. Literally, I’ve got trained
monkeys making my picks by throwing darts.
This concept was a little dicey at first but once I found the proper
motivation for them they picked up on the concept rather well. At first I used the advice of my friend and
noted primate trainer Peter to Shock the Monkey, however
I found that corporal punishment worked better.
Nothing works better to get you in the mood for a little Fantasy draft
than spanking the monkey.’
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