Week 1: 9-9-2010
With the opening Kickoff only days away, the Commish could
be found in the League's Commissary making preparations for his world-renowned
and Internationally sanctioned Kickoff Classic Death Chili, 'I really don't
know what all the fuss is about. I've
found that a diet based on yogurt and bananas counteracts any short term
internal damages from my chili. Plus,
with the medical advances in esophageal and lip transplants my chili doesn't
cause any damage that can't be repaired.'
The season kicks off with the Pansies facing the Middle
Cubicle Damp Ninjas. The Pansies owner
was found piecing together the wreckage of his Draft plans, 'Stupid
poop-flinging Chimps! Drafting
Roethlisberger as my starting QB for crissakes!
What did those damn apes think we were drafting for? Beer Pong?
At least he'll have his old pal Holmes to play catch with on the
sideline for the first part of the season.
I think those damn orangutans were drafting from The FBI's Most Wanted
list. At least they grabbed me the
Lion's starting QB and RB. Because
everyone knows you want to build a Championship team around freaking Detroit
players. Somebody get me a tranquilizer
gun.'
Meanwhile, the Ninja's owner, Meagan, could be found mopping
up her team headquarters, 'I don't know what the hell is going on around
here. I move into my new facilities and
I've got water spewing out of everywhere.
The laundry facilities spew water so regularly you'd think it was Old
Faithful and every meal time the kitchen area looks like the fountains at the
Bellagio. Jeez, I need a drink.'
In other action, Da Bears! square off against Sinister
P. Da Bears! head coach, Canute Rockme
was found preparing his team for their first game, 'It has been a long, hot
training camp this year. I've heard
quite a bit of grumbling about the heat from the players. So I told them the story of good ol'
Doug. Dougie was our old waterboy. He wasn't the brightest boy, his football
wasn't fully inflated, if you know what I mean, but he never let a player go
thirsty. He could dip that Gatorade out
of the cooler with the best of them.
Unfortunately we lost Dougie in a tragic garden hose incident. Now when it starts to get hot and the team is
up against it, when things go wrong and the breaks are beating the boys, I just
ask them to go out there and win just one for the Dipper. <sniff,
sniff>', said an emotional Rockme.
Over at Castle Peachenstein, Sinister P could be found
getting a little help from a friend, Mr. Big.
'Since his Evil-ness is still on clean up duty down at the Gulf he's
asked me to get his team ready. It make
take a bit to get back in the swing of things.
I've been on a World tour this summer with Captain Crunch and the Cereal
Killers. They've been promoting their
latest album 'Who Killed the CrunchBerry Beast?' It's a homage to those delicious sugary
cereals of our youth. All you get today
is this damn 'good for you' crap like Oatey Bran Fiber Flakes. When I was growing up we ate nothing but
Sugar Frosted Sugar Pops. Hell,
sometimes if we were out of cereal my mom just poured a pound of sugar in a
bowl and added milk. No wonder kids sit
around playing video games all day,
without sugar they don't have any damn energy, and because of all the
fiber they can't get more than 10 feet from a bathroom.'
In the Circle 'S' Game of the week, the Southside Slayers
face the Staleys. The Slayers coach,
Snake Plisskin, was asked about his team's draft strategy of taking a kicker
with their first pick, 'The Slayers are going to be kicking this League's ass
every week. By taking 'Kobra' Kaeding
with our first pick I was just putting the League on notice that we are a team
of A.S.S. kickers.'
At the Staleys facility, 'Mad Dog' Hupp could be found
terrorizing his players as they prepare for their opening game, 'How the Hell
am I supposed to win with these players?
Where are the real men? Where are
the Chicago players? I've got some
Spanish-challenged WR who spends all his time dancing on TV and I've got me a
pretty boy QB who gets happy feet and dances in the pocket. You ever see Butkus freaking dancing? What I wouldn't do for a team of Butkus-ers.'
The Engineers take on the Savants, in a game which could set
back social interaction a decade. At the
Engineers development Lab, Chief Enjineer, Dr. James Joseph Jingleheimer
Johnson, PhJ, was found putting the finishing touches on his latest
invention. 'My plans for League
domination are now complete. With this,
my Raman Fourier transform inverse algorythmic Transmogrifier, my team will be
unstoppable. I'll be able to predict my
opponents moves before they even know what they're planning. Plus, whenever I get hungry I'll be able to
whip me up a tasty batch of noodles.'
The Sunday Savants head coach, Rainman, was found milling
about the team's practice field.
'How do
think your top pick will do this year?' Asked your intrepid reporter.
'15,426...15,426'
mumbled the Coach
'Yards?'
'Blades of
grass, blades of grass.'
'Do you
feel you'll be competitive in your rookie year as a coach?'
'I'm not
wearing my underwear. I'm definitely not
wearing my underwear.'
'Umm, are
you with me here, Coach?'
'Three
minutes to Mythbusters. Three minutes to
Mythbusters.'
We'll check back next week after the coach has been given
his medication.
In the final matchup of the week, the Polar IceCaps start
their title defense against the CIA. The
CIA's team headquarters couldn't be located, but owner 'Casey', if that's her
real name agreed to meet in a dark alley, 'I'd really like to tell you about my
plans, but then I'd have to kill you.
Now if you excuse me I've got to get to the Life Skills class I
teach. Tonight's lesson is 'How to bring
down a Grizzly with chapstick and a nail file,'
At the IceCaps Arctic facility, frigid owner Kristy,
discussed her plans for the upcoming season.
'To bring more awareness of the fragility of our ecosystem I'm embarking
on a tour of Environmental Enlightenment that will showcase the plight of
endangered species. The 'Clusterf@*# of
Insanity Petting Zoo' will put on display all the wild and varied creatures we
stand to lose if we don't recycle and turn off our lights. I expect the Ganarkels to be a big hit as
well as the Chimsels. Of course I'd
recommend counting little Billy's fingers after he gets done petting the
Chimsel. But the highlight is sure to be
the Alloponates, these cuddly little fuckers are beloved because they're so
FLUFFY.'
-
Week 2: 9-19-2010
The season kicked off with hopes of a glorious season and
with visions of a Championship dancing in your head. Unfortunately as the kick-off for week 2
nears you've awakened to the possibility that your team might just be a pile of
Fantasy poo-poo. Nonetheless the season
must go on.
In the Ty-d-bowl game of the week, make sure to not get any
P on you when the Primate Pickin' Pansies face Sinister P. The Pansies' Primates can be found happily
munching on their banana-y reward for fortuitously flinging poo at Matt Forte
instead of LeSean McCoy when making their lineup decision thus insuring a hard
fought victory.
Meanwhile, down on the oily shore of the Gulf, his Evilness
Sinister P was found reveling over his latest creation. After a hard day of undespoiling beaches,
what's a man to do other than sit around and play with his wand. I don't know that I'll ever top the success
I had with the Phuckenturkey, but this is sure to come close. What I've needed in my clean-up is something
super-absorbent with all-terrain capabilities.
To that end I've combined the highly mobile milli-ricket and the
absorbency of the fearsome Chicken.
Voila, the Milliken! It has
unmatched oil clean-up capabilities and I've found that its secretions act as
an excellent sun block, stopping those harmful UV rays.
In our second match-up, the top-ranked Engineers take on the
Middle Cubicle Ninjas. The Engineers
owner could be found down on Sesame Street helping Elmo and the other MUPPETS
preparing for a big move. It seems
they've decided to move U and V closer to R and D.
The Ninjas owner, Meagan, after her opening loss has taking
a introspective Journey in hopes of turning her team's fortunes around. 'A Girl
Can't Help It if she gets her hopes up for a good season. You Don't Stop Believin' after one loss
though. If a player isn't performing, we
can go our Seperate Ways, because I'll Be Alright Without You that's for damn
sure. If I Faithfully stick to my plans,
this Girl Can't Help It but knock the living day-Lights out of this
League. This ain't some Lovin' Touchin'
Squeezin' kind of team, I'll kick your butt Any Way You Want It. You'll be running back to your momma and her
Open Arms when I get through with you.'
In the Raben Leaky Tire game of the week, the South Side
Slayers take on the Sunday Savants. The
Slayers coach, Snake Plisskin, could be found stewing over the performance of
his star player. 'Two Freaking
points! When I draft a guy number one I
expect more than two freaking points out of him. If he doesn't pick up his performance I'll
cut that bastard. And I don't mean from
the team. I mean I'll slice his
hamstring. He'll never kick again. Of course I could just give him an ol' Ninjy
chop or a Ju-dee chop right to the throat.
I meant even throw in a Kung fu kick.
One thing I've learned though is never throw a Ninjy chop at the same
time as a Kung fu kick. You'll rip your
leg right on off, man'
The Sunday Savants owner, Justin, was found mulling over a
name change. 'Look what the name Savants
has gotten me. I've got a coach sitting
in the corner drooling on himself and watching Ice Road Truckers. My new name will more reflect the team's
personality, Justin's Johnson. My pair
of Johnsons is unmatched in this League.
My primary Johnson is huge every week.
All I've got to do is whip him out and victory is pretty much
guaranteed. However, in that rare
instance where I need more my secondary Johnson is sure to put me over the
top. He may not be as big as my first
Johnson but he gets the job done. '
In a battle of the Newbies, Team CIA faces Da Bears! in a
game which could set Fantasies back a decade.
Da Bears owner was found at the Build-a-Bear workshop looking to
construct a QB and RB who can score in double digits.
Meanwhile CIA director, Casey (if that's her real name), was
still trying to figure this Fantasy thing out. 'What's wrong with starting a
player with a big O next to his name? I
thought a big O was a good thing. I was
trying to figure out how to have multiple Os.
What good is a Fantasy without a few Os?
I guess I could just fake it.'
In the final match-up, the Decatur Staleys face the Polar
IceCaps. The Staleys coach, Mad Dog
Hupp, was unavailable for comment. Mad
Dog is rumored to be in a Mexican prison after he went on a Tequila bender and
sold his hapless roommate DIngle to a Cartel Overlord as a drug mule.
The Polar IceCaps frigid owner, Kristy, was found planning
her next eco-campaign. 'It all started
with that Nissan Leaf commercial with the polar bear. It brings tears to my eyes just thinking
about it. If a little Leaf could save
one polar bear, what could a larger vehicle do? It would be like a whole lotta Leafs, like
a bush. Why with a Bush maybe a whole
herd of polar bears could be saved. I
can see the ad now. The Arctic Circle is your backdrop. You see a guy holding up the North Pole
desperately looking for a way to get in into his tiny vehicle. Then a young lady pulls up in her all
electric SUV and says "Would you like to put your Pole in my
Bush?" Now if that doesn't sell
some cars, I don't know what will.
-
Week 3: 9-26-2010
Week three is upon us and that can mean only one thing. Summer is coming to an end and we can look
forward to crisp 95 degree Autumn days and even crispier leaves withering and
falling shriveled to the ground. With
these dry conditions the League Office has been asked that we cancel the annual
Bonfire and Penquin Roast Extravaganza that has been such a popular charity
fundraiser.
This week's action kicks off with a game that could set
Evolution back a thousand years. The dominate Primate Pickin' Pansies face the
somewhat confused CIA in what could be the first League contest to enforce the
mercy rule. The owner of the Pansies
could be found doling out victory bananas to his primate pickers. 'After handing out a hundred point beatdown,
a letdown the next week is only natural so I've brought in a special guest to
give my furry little buddies a pep talk.
I'm sure this one time star of Saturday morning will be able to get my
little apes fired up for this week's matchup.
So without further ado...Mr. Grape Ape.'
(I'll now pause this newsetter for all those under 40 so they can
figure out who that is)
Meanwhile the Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her real
name, is testing out her theory of hands-off ownership. 'Those unmanned drones they've been using to
blow up terrorists have worked so well, I figured I'd try an unmanned Fantasy
team and see how well that went.'
The Far East Engineers and Sinister P look to bounce back
after last week's humiliating performances.
The Engineers owner, was found preparing for his latest athletic
adventure, the Great Pumpkin Metric.
'This annual bike race is noted for being held sometime in October
although no one is really quite sure when.
However, once started, participants must ride the 30 parsecs with a
Jack-o-lantern on their head and must use a slide rule to continually calculate
their speed relative to a laden swallow.'
His Evil-ness Sinister P was found back at Castle
Peachenstein after finally finishes his Gulf cleanup. 'With the Fall Festival fast approaching,
I've gotten back just in time to tend to my latest batch of little
monsters. The vendors down on West
Franklin count on me to supply them with a fresh supply of product every
year. Why down here on Peachenstein's
Monster Farm we raise only the best free range little monsters without which
there would be no Monster Ears to serve to an adoring public.'
In what looks to be the only competitive match of the week,
the Decatur Staleys take on the Sunday Savants.
The coach of the Staleys, Mad Dog Hupp, was found foaming at the
mouth. 'Would you look at the state of
this League. I told you having a bunch
of woman running amok in a Football League was bad news. The woman are all hanging out at the bottom
of the standings. Now if this were a
Fantasy Knitting Circle I'm sure they'd be kicking ass, but this is freeking
Football. There's no place for woman in
a football locker room unless they are wearing painted-on jeans and a revealing
shirt. Although that Glee-ful Ninja
owner is doing pretty well. I'm not sure
about her though, she frightens me a bit.
I think she may be a Munchkin.'
The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found mulling over his
under performing Johnson. 'I'm not sure
who to talk to about this. He'd being
performing great up until this last week.
Now he seems a bit dysfunctional.
I wonder if I can take my Johnson somewhere to get him serviced, or
maybe there is a little pill or something that would get him feeling peppy
again.'
In the Klondike Bar Game of the week, Da Polar Bears! take
on the Polar IceCaps. Da Bears owner was
found sweating over his last minute victory.
'I'm confident my new assistant coaches, Paddington and Berenstain, are
really going to help me turn things around.
If that doesn't work I've got a coaching candidate I can bring in named
Goldilocks that knows a thing or two about bears.'
The IceCaps frigid owner, Kristy, was found at her weekly
press conference. 'First off I want to
address the rumors going around this League that I'm under investigation by
DPAWPS (Dept. Penquin & Aquatic Waterfowl Protective Services) for Penquin
abuse. I nor anyone in this organization
would condone the mistreatment of our little penquin buddies. They are so q-ute. How could you break one of their little
flippers? I mean even if trying to get a
herd of penquins to do what you want is like herding penquins. And yes they can try your patience after a
hard day's work. And maybe all you want
to do is sit and relax and not listen to them squawking and peeking at each
other. But I would never hurt their
little flippers and blame it on say some sort of athletic activity. And just because five of the little tykes
come up lame in the space of a week doesn't mean there is any sort of abuse
going on. I can't help it if the little
devils are extremely clumsy.'
In the WWE Game of the week, the South Side Slayers take on
the Glee-ful Ninjas. The Slayers coach,
Snake Plisskin, was found sharpening his blades. 'Somebody's getting cut this week. I don't know who yet but with the way this team's
been performing the whole lot of them should be taking out into the desert and
left for dead. At least that kicker has started performing like a
number 1 pick.'
The Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found in New Harmony at the
annual Kunstfest. 'I really love coming
out to the Kunstfest. Where else can you
find such a large group of Kunts all together in one place? I was able to take in a seminar on "101
Ways to Decorate Your Kunts". There
was even a play called the "Kunts Monologues" that was very interesting. All in all it was a very enjoyable
experience. I hear next year they are
having the Kuntsfest in conjunction with Kockapolooza. Now those are two things that just seem like
they're made for each other.'
-
Week 4: 10-4-2010
Week 4 of the Fantasy season is off to a soggy start so roll
up your pants legs and let's wade into this week's action.
The up and coming Sunday Savants face off against Da down
and out Bears. Da Bears owner, Rick, was
at a loss at how to turn his team around. 'I always knew bears went into hibernation, I
just didn't expect my team to roll over this early in the year. I'm not sure who can help my team. I've heard rumblings of a woman roaming about
the country claiming to be as vicious as a Mama Grizzly. All I've got to do to get her to help is to
have some sort of Tea Party. I'm not
really sure what that's all about, but I've got my best set of china out and
I'm brewing my favorite Orange Pekoe.'
The Savants owner, Justin, had this to say about his
upcoming matchup. 'Have you seen some of
the old coots we've got in this League?
I mean look at the top of the standings.
It looks like an AARP convention.
I'm surprised they can pull themselves away from the Denny's Grand Slam
for Seniors long enough to run their team.
And this newsletter, what's with all the references from '80s pop
culture? It's bad enough I get bombarded
with oldies music when I'm working. I
actually had to listen to one of them old time Disco songs the other day. Hello, can you say this is the 21st century.
I overheard one of them talking about a Walkman the other day. What the Hell is that? Some sort of cane they use to move around
with. It's time to get some young blood
at the top in this League and put these geezers in a Home.'
In the Battle of the Other Side of the Building, Team CIA
looks to stay on top as they face off against Sinister P. The Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her
real name, was found basking in the glow of her first conquest. 'They say you always remember your
first. I wasn't sure how it would feel,
but I must say I found it quite enjoyable.
I didn't think spanking the Monkeys would be as much fun as it turned
out to be. I was all a tingle
afterwards. I'm looking forward to this
week and the chance for doing it again.
Of course I don't want to get the reputation for being to eager and all,
but a girl only lives once. Now if
you'll excuse me I'm off to my Life Skills class. Tonight my topic is "The Motivational
Uses of an Electric Cattle Prod".'
Meanwhile in Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P,
was found preparing for the upcoming holiday season. 'I can't believe October is almost here. I've got to get the ol' Castle decorated for
Halloween and get ready for all the little tykes that invariably make their way
up to the gate looking for a treat. I
always like to have a little surprise for the little rug rats. Since money has been a little tight this year
I had to be a bit more economical than in the past. I've taken to recycling some of the things
that have been lying about the roads leading up to the Castle. I just scrape them up and hit them with a
little reanimation action and...voila, Zombie Possums, the perfect way to
welcome those little imps on Halloween <diabolical laughter>.
The Pansies face off against their nemesis the Polar IceCaps
in this Battle to Extinction. The
Pansies owner was found thumbing through the Yellow Pages looking for the name
of a Medical testing facility. 'I'm
looking to unload some slightly used monkeys.
I figured NASA might be interested in blasting the worthless suckers
into space, but it seems with all the budget cut backs they've stopped doing
that. If all else fails I've found a
wonderful recipe for monkey head soup.'
The Polar IceCaps frigid owner, Kristy, was found at the
annual Environmental Arts & Sciences Academy Awards where she's been
nominated in the category 'Best Environmental Awareness Campaign'. 'The competition is pretty tough this year. Last year's winner is back with his new
campaign 'Recycling: How you can help
save the planet so your children won't grow up in a toxic wasteland', it's a
real feel good piece. The long shot has
to be 'Solar Reflectors: How the use of
alternative energy can save the planet as long as it doesn't get to
humid'. Here's the emcee now with the
winner.
'Ladies and
Gentleman, the winner in the category of Best Environmental Awareness Campaign
is....the antelope please...Kristy for 'Turn your damn lights off, you penquin
hating scum.'
The curmudgeon Decatur Staleys take on the perky Glee-ful
Ninjas in this generational battle.
Staleys coach, Mad Dog Hupp, had this to say about his perky
opponent. 'What's with all the old crap
this week? These young whippersnappers
don't have what it takes to be a Champion.
Coddled, that's what they are.
Did they ever have to take a crap in an outdoor shitter in the middle of
freaking winter? NOOOO...we have
hoity-toity indoor plumbing. By God when
I got my first Fantasy team we had to add up the points using an Abacus. Now they're got these fancy-schmancy
com-pu-tors that do all the work for you.
We'll see who's still standing at the end of the year. Now GET OUT OF MY CUBE, you damn kids!'
The Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found cornered in her Westside
team complex. 'What the Hell is in the
water on this side of town? I can't go
outside at night without fear of getting munched on by some freakish undead
possum critters. At my old place you only
had to worry about Gouts. At least you
knew where you stood with a Gout.
They're only looking to maul you.
But these walking dead possumy things are looking to do unspeakable
munchings to you. It's enough to get
your panties all moistened and in a bunch.
I'm not looking to be some rodents Crunch & Munch. This isn't a job for Ghostbusters so who the
Hell are you supposed to call?'
In the last matchup of the week the Far East Engineers
square off against the Slayers. The
owner of the Engineers was found trying to contain the latest workplace
crisis. 'The Maintenance staff has been
kept hopping here lately cleaning off windows.
It seems the office windows have been covered in Mooncakes. You know, a Mooncake, when someone rubs their
sweaty ass on your window and cakes it with butt sweat. It's practically a Mooncake pandemic. You can't take a phone call anymore without
being hit with a Mooncake. There have
even been reports of mass Mooncakings.
Oh when will the madness end?'
The coach of the Slayers, Snake Plisskin, was found
preparing to do battle with an old foe.
'I thought I was done with this business. What foul Evil-ness has brought this scourge
back upon us? I thought I'd killed off
the last of these dastardly varmits, but now it seems they're back and have
laid siege to a fellow League member. If
anyone knows how to rid the world of Zombie Possums it would be me and my
trusty sidekick the Little Wiggler.
You've got to careful around Zombie Possums, you know. They ain't slow like your normal human
zombies. They're fast. They've got marsupial quickness. They'll latch on to you and start a-munching
before you even know what hit ya. There
are a few rules to Zombie Possum killing though. First you gotta work on your Cardio. These little devils will chase you down if
you can't outrun a Guess. Second, limber
up, you don't want to pull something vital when you're smacking the little
suckers around. Third, always have
someone to watch your back. That's where
my buddy the Little Wiggler comes in.
Ain't no Zombie Possum sneaking up on me as long as the Little Wiggler
is around. Now the most important rule
is the Double Tap. You can't bring one
of these things down with just one blow.
Always give them a second shot just to make sure. Now if you'll excuse me, the Little Wiggler
and I got some killing to do.'
-
Week 5: 10-10-2010
As week 5 prepares to kickoff, the League members could be
found knee deep in grease as that yearly artery-clogging bacchanalia, the Fall
Festivus, is in full swing. The Commish
was found Manning the League's booth. 'I
don't know whether it's the yogurt fritters, yogurt-on-a-stick, deep-fried
yogurt balls, yogurt jerky, bacon-wrapped yogurt or the yogurt-covered bacon
but this booth is a must stop every year down here. I'm glad to see that some of the other teams
have opened their own booths. Although I
don't see the appeal of some of their offerings. I mean once you've got your yogurt, what else
could you possibly want?'
Our first matchup
features the recently relocated Slayers and the CIA. The Slayers coach, Snake Plisskin, was found
doling out a Spencer County delicacy at the team's booth, #11. 'That rash of
Zombie Possums struck at just the right time.
The Little Wiggler and I cleaned them varmits out just in time to whip
up a batch of Possum Kabobs. Nothing
beats a little bacon wrapped Possum. If
there is one thing those Spencer Countians are known for it's how to fix up
Possum. Thems good eating.'
The Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her real name, was
found taking her Life Skills class on a field trip to the Festival. 'If there is any life skill someone growing
up in this area needs more than any, it's learning how to navigate through
20,000 people while munching on a Walking Taco and a chocolate-covered banana
without spilling your Apple Jack. And in
this class spilling perfectly good Apple Jack is an automatic 'F'. I won't stand for the abuse of perfectly good
alcohol.'
In the Mutual of Omaha Wild Kingdom Game of the Week, the
Primates face off against Da Bears. The
owner of the Primated Pansies were found at their booth, #15. 'Anyone interested in a little Monkey
Bread? I've finally found something
those little bastards where good at.
They can't run a Fantasy team but they sure do make a mean loaf of bread.'
The owner of DaBears was found helping out at booth
#65. 'I figured as much as I'm getting
my ass kicked I might as well help out those that are in the same boat as
me.Although I'm a bit disappointed in the menu.
You'd think a booth with Bacon in the name would at least have more
bacon fixings.'
The Decatur Staleys face of against the Far East
Engineers. The coach of the Staleys, Mad
Dog Hupp, was found at the team's booth, #78.
'I've found that working this booth is a great motivational tool for my
team. 'Ol Mad Dog's Smorgasbord of Nuts
has just about any type of nuts you could want.
I've got Rocky Mountain Oysters, Turkey's Nuggets, and even Frog Balls. Look, once you cut the poor fellows legs off
you might as well take the rest of his manhood.
They're sort of like little froggy Reese's Pieces. Of course, my personal favorite is the Sack
of Marbles. You don't want to know where
these come from, let's just say a few of my under performing receivers may be
walking a bit funny this week.'
The owner of the Engineers was found doing his part at the
Festival down on the Midway. 'Kids these
days don't want to ride a Ferris Wheel and some stupid ass swinging boat. So I thought I'd spice up a few of the rides
and give them their money's worth. I
hooked up a hemi-charged super turbo booster to the Ring of Fire. Hell, that thing will hit 100 mph now and
have them pulling 10g. If that doesn't
blow a pronto pup out their ass I don't know what will.'
In the Kiddie Care Day Care Game of the Week, the Glee-ful
Ninjas face the Sunday Savants. The
owner of the Savants and his coaching staff were found manning their booth,
#81.
'Forrest
get your ass back over here! Quit
wandering off'' screams Justin
'Chocolate,
come and get you a box of chocolate. My
momma says life is like a box a
chocolate.'
'Karl,
Karl! Put down those damn fries.'
screams Justin
'Uh-huh,
french fried potaters. Uh-huh. I like bacon on my fried potaters. Uh- huh'
'Ah crap,
it's almost 7. Where the Hell is he?'
cries Justin
'5 minutes
to Mythbusters, 5 minutes to Mythbusters.
I'm not wearing my underwear.' states Rainman
'Son of a
bitch, I should have known it was a bad idea to brings these idiots down here.' weeps Justin
Meanwhile, the owner of the Ninjas was found next door at
her team's booth, #82. 'I'd planned on
serving up my famous biscuits and gravy this year but it seems biscuits are in
short supply this year. The unseasonable
hot weather, that has nothing to do with the definitely not man-made Global
Warming, was murder on the biscuit crop this year. It was probably the worst harvest since the
Great Biscuit Famine of the '30s. So
I've decided to go with another favorite of mine the
beige-nut...beg-nets...ben-gay...oh to Hell with it. A hoity-toity doughnut, stuffed with bacon of
course.'
In our final matchup, Sinister P faces the Polar
Slushies. The Slushies frigid owner,
Kristy, was found at her booth, #112.
'I've whipped up some special treats this year. I've got some Eskimo Pies. Now I'm not talking those cheap knock-offs
made out of ice cream either. I'm
talking REAL Eskimo pies. I've shipped
the Eskimos in fresh from Alaska and baked them up fresh. And for those Endangered Species lovers I've
got Penquin Puffs. These are just
wonderful. The Penquins are battered,
fried and rolled in sugar then they are puffed with some delicious cream
cheese. I'm telling you, you can't stop
with just one.'
His Evil-ness, Sinister P, was found at his booth,
#666. 'This year's featured item was a
huge hit a few years ago so I decided to bring it back but with a little
twist. Because everything is better when
coated in chocolate, I've taken my signature item and lathered it in a rich,
milky chocolate. I've also given it a
handy handle for carrying it about the Festival. Hurry on down and get a Mudder
Phuckenturkey-on-a-stick. I'm sure they
are going to go fast.'
Week 6: 10-17-2010
The kick off to week 6 is fast approaching and some teams
are Flying High with only Good Times and Happy Days ahead of them. While others are Movin' On and looking for a
Turnabout after discovering one of the Facts of Life is that their team is out
to get S.W.A.T.ed in the ass and M*A*S*Hed into little CHiPs every week . My only advice is to take the season One Day at
a Time because even though your team may be on the Rope(r)s they are
Professionals and are sure to turn things around. Unless of course your team is made up of a
bunch of Rookies and Taxi squad players, in that case you should head to Vega$
and lay a bet on your opponent. We interrupt this Newsletter for this brief
public service announcement. In keeping
with the NFL and its observance of Breast Cancer Awareness month, the League
office is offering free breast exams all month.
Although I'm not a doctor, I did play one on TV. We now return you to your regularly scheduled
Newsletter And speaking of the Boob Tube, let's see What's Happening around the
League this week.
The Heavyweight match-up of the week features the top-ranked
Pansies facing off against the up and coming Slayers. The Pansies owner was found lounging on the
Lido Deck of the Pacific Princess. 'I
found that administering an ass-kicking every week can be really hard work, so
I decided to take a little cruise to unwind.
I've got Isaac, here, serving me up Mai-Tais, and a little later I've
got Julie, the Cruise Director, coming by to provide a little shipboard
entertainment, if you know what I mean <wink,wink, nudge,nudge>. Now where the Hell is that damn Gopher with
my sun screen? Those UV rays can be
nasty.'
Meanwhile on the back forty of the family farm, the Slayers
owner, Ashley, was found sipping a small libation. 'Getting back her to my roots has really
helped get my team turned around. It's
either that or Uncle Jesse's moonshine. My cousins Bo and Luke have also been a big
help at helping me unwind. I don't think
Sheriff Ros-COE P. COL-trane knew what hit him when I came blowing past him in
the ol' General Lee here. Only one
thing's been bothering me since I got back.
I left most of my clothes behind so I've had to borrow some of my cousin
Daisy's. How in the Hell is a girl
supposed to get around a farm in freeking heels. And what is with these shorts? They're so damn short I look like a freeking
chipmunk with a demin wedgie ever time I bend over?'
In a Battle for the Aged, his Evil-ness Sinister P takes on
the Decatur Staleys. The coach of the
Staleys, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at his favorite watering hole. 'Man, sometimes I long for the days when
Glenn Miller played. Now he could
catch a pass, not like these pansy-ass receivers I've got today. And when I could hear the songs of the Hit
Parade. Not these wimpy freeking hits
from my pathetic excuse for a Defense.
Guys like me had it made back then.
You knew who you were back then.
Girls were girls and men were men.
Not like today where I think half my team if a little light in the
loafers if you know what I mean. I
didn't need no welfare state. Everybody
pulled his own weight. Today I'm
carrying around a few freeking tons of dead weight on my roster. Oh Jeez, Those were the Days. I knew I never should have listened to that
ditzy daughter of mine and let that Goddamn Meathead help run my team.'
Meanwhile at Castle Peachenstein, his Evil-ness Sinister P
has his own issues. 'First, I've got
this pesky new neighbor, Mrs. Kravitz, who keeps nosing around my place. And on top of that my wand has been acting up
again so I can't turn her into a newt.
I've had to start practicing alternative means of Bewitching the neighbors. I've been working on this little nose twitch
thing but with this cold I've got it makes of kind of dangerous. Yesterday I sneezed and turned my assistant
Igor into a Ganarkel. An old friend of
mine Jeannie tried to teach me one of her techniques, but I never could get the
head shake quite right and frankly it's a pain in the ass trying to get my hair
in a ponytail.'
In the Wonder Woman Game of the week, the Polar Slushies
face the Happy Ninjas. The frigid owner
of the Slushies, Kristy, was found on her private Island. 'I'm so sick and tired of this Fantasy
stuff. Whenever I need to get away I
head to my little Island. Here all the lights
are compact fluorescents and automatically turn off. My little recycling Penquins make sure every
thing is sorted and placed in the proper receptacle. I'm also totally off the grid here. No polar bears are harmed to run my retreat.
'Boss,
Boss, Dee plane...Dee plane'
'Jeez, now if only I could get rid of that annoying flipping
Munchkin that runs around shouting every time a damn airplane flies
overhead. I swear if he keeps it up I'm
going to Tattoo his ass with my shoeprint.
I really need to find an island further away from the airport.'
Meanwhile at the Ninjas team complex, team owner, Meagan,
was found in her office.
'Once upon
a time there were three little girls who went to the Fantasy Football Academy.
They were assigned very hazardous duties. But I took them away from all that. It's
Charlie, Angels. Time to go to work.'
'My new office is great, but I wish I knew who this Charlie
character is and how he knows when I get to work. And who the Hell are the other two chippies
he's talking about? I'm the only one running
this team. I'm building a fantasy
Dynasty here. I don't need anyone else's
help. All I need is my unsurpassable
hotness, my feminine wiles and the ability to run while wearing heels and
wearing a shirt with the top 20 buttons undone.
Of course, I also had the Forsythe of keeping a few Michelobs in the
office in case of an Emergency.'
In the Battle of Futility, DaBears take on the Far East
Engineers. The remains of the Engineers
could be found at their team laboratories.
'The
Engineers, a team barely alive.
Gentlemen, we can rebuild it, we have the technology. We have the
capabilities to build the world's first Bionic Fantasy Team. The Engineers will be
that team. Better than they were
before. Better...Stronger...Faster!'
'Crap, now where did I put those ball bearings? What the Hell happened to my spetzer valve? How can I rebuild a team on a $60
budget? What I wouldn't give for say Six
Million Dollars, Man I could really build an Immortal team then,' cried a
dismayed Head Engineer.
Meanwhile DaBears appear to be in a land of their very own,
a Land of the Lost. DaBears owner, Rick,
was found in the team's cave. 'A team of
freeking Sleestaks would perform better than most of my team. Hey, Cha-ka, Cha-ka Khan you bring me the
projections for this week's games. Oh don't give me that 'a dinosaur ate my
projections' crap. I Feel for You but I
thought you said this stupid game was so easy a caveman could do it.'
In the final match-up of the week, the CIA face the upstart
Sunday Savants. The director of the CIA,
Casey, if that's her real name, was found listening to her latest mission.
'Your
Mission, Casey, should you decide to accept it is to submit a lineup of players
that are all playing in their respective games.
As always, should you or any
member of your team be caught or killed, the Commish will disavow any knowledge of your actions. This Newsletter will self destruct in five
seconds.'
'Oh to Hell with these stupid missions, they're more trouble
than herding Brazilians. Somebody get me
a beer!' uttered a distraught Casey.
Meanwhile over at the Savant's headquarters...
One, two,
three, four, five , six, seven, eight
Schemeel,
Schlemazel, Hasenfeffer incorporated
We're gonna
do it!
'STOP IT! Stop the
Madness! I refuse to take part in this
walk down Nostalgia Lane. I can't take
all these Golden Oldie references anymore. I mean what the Hell is a Schemeel
Schlemazel? Those aren't even real words
for Crissakes! And you can't freeking
incorporate Rabbit stew, you eat the damn stuff. Now it's going to take me the
whole damn weekend of watching TV Land to figure out what half this crap
means. Are these shows even in color? My television is a color TV so I can't watch
that black and white crap on it. How
about some references to something from my era like Dawson's Creek or That 70s
Show? Now that is classic TV.' fumed a
perturbed Justin.
-
Week 7: 10-24-2010
We've reached the halfway point of the season and the teams'
chances at the playoffs are starting to separate into the 'haves', 'have-nots'
and the 'totally sucks'. If your team is
eliminated from playoff contention by Halloween, just look on the bright side. You'll have plenty of time to start your
Christmas shopping without having to worry about your Fantasy team.
The headline matchup of the week features the Pansies and
the upstart Savants battling for Alpha Dog status of the Fantasy World. The Pansies are looking to bounce back from
their disappointing performance against the Slayers. When it was pointed out that both his losses
were to the Fantasy Debutants he responded, 'I was brought up to be nice to
girls and I carried that philosophy over to my Fantasy team. I mean I could be mean and nasty like the
other guys in this League and pound on the girl's teams but I'm a nicer guy
than that. You and I both know that if
the guys tried every week the girls would never win because of our superior
Fantasy knowledge and then they wouldn't want to play anymore. And frankly who wants to be in a League with
only guys?'
The Savants uppity youngster owner, Justin, was found
preparing for his upcoming battle. 'As
Sun-Tzu states in his 'Art of Fantasy War', one should know his opponent before
heading into battle. So I've loaded up
nothing but Disco on my iPod this week and I'm planning on watching the entire
Brat Pack collection of movies so I can really get inside the head of my
decrepit opponent. And by the way, who
the Hell is this Molly Ringwald chick, and was she in every flipping movie in
the 80s?'
In the Ditka's Steakhouse Battle of the Midway, the Decatur
Staleys take on DaBears, for the claim as number one Bears fan. The Staleys coach, Mad Dog Hupp, had this to
say about his upcoming opponent. 'Who the
Hell is this wannabe Bears fan? How long
as he been a fan? Twenty, 30 years? I mean come on. I was there with the Great Man himself,
George Halas, when the Staleys were born.
Tell that DaBears guy to come see me in another 3 or 4 decades, then
we'll see who the biggest fan is.' harrumphed Mad Dog.
DaBears owner, Rick, was unavailable for comment as he's
been hiding under the desk in his cubicle.
It seems that due to his cubicle's close proximity to the somewhat
volatile Mad Dog's he has decided it best to take refuge until this week's game
is past. And although Mad Dog has
claimed no knowledge of the anonymous 'I'm gonna staple your lips together you
Bears poser' note found in DaBears owner's cube. Rick has decided discretion being the better
part of valor, better safe than sorry and all that jazz, he's taking no
chances.
In other action, the Far East Engineers take on the
CIA. The Director of the CIA, Casey, if
that's her real name, was found preparing for her upcoming match in her usual
way. 'I suppose I could always scour the
Internet for advice and tips on the upcoming week's games. And then using some fancy-schmancy
algoryhtmic thingy like some people in this League set a starting lineup that
would be unstoppable. I, however, have
decided to go a different route, that age old method of 'liquor and guessing'.'
The owner of the Engineers, Dr. Phil, meanwhile was asked to
explain his previous week's lineup in which he chose not to start players at
two positions. 'I'd recently postulated
that fewer bodies on the field may actually enhance your Fantasy performance.
Ergo, by using the Ideal Gas Law and a corollary of Moore's Law along with a
derivative of Quantum Wave Theory I've come up with Abell's Axiom of Fantasy
Dynamics. This past week I set out to
prove my Axiom and I think the results speak for themselves. While my opponents players were bouncing off
each other like bumbling oafs, my team was cruising to victory. I believe this effect may even have an
exponential effect on performance. I
figure that if I only start one player this week I'll surely be able to put 500
points on the board.'
The Glee-ful Ninjas
look to get back on track this week against Sinister P. His Evil-ness Sinister P was found at Castle
Peachenstein preparing for the upcoming season.
'As the weather turns a bit brisker, I have to put away my lightweight
summertime Warlock robes and break out the winter sweaters. I've always been partial to Gargoyle sweaters
and the matching Gargoyle socks. I think
their distinctive patterns really bring out my inner evilness. I've found you've definitely got to select
the proper footwear to complete the ensemble.
You can't go wearing any Pimp boots or the like that just serves to draw
attention away from the Gargoyle.'
As for the Glee-ful Ninjas owner, Meagan, she was still
steaming over her previous week's loss.
'Abell's Axiom-schmaxiom of Fantasy Gibberish. Play fewer players, score more points. What a steaming pile of Chimsel crap. That's the last time I ever listen to his
drivel. From now on I'm following
Meagan's Corollary to Beer's Law: The more beer you drink the less you'll care
about this stupid game.'
In the week's final matchup, the Slayers look to add another
victim in the Polar Slushies. The
Slayers owner, Ashley, was found at her new Spencer County compound preparing
for the annual Baconfest. 'This is a
huge event in this area. It may even
rival the annual Meth-a-pal-ooza in terms of popularity. I've been preparing my entry into the Bacon
Cook-off. I've whipped up a special
recipe this year that is sure to take the prize. Most people go with the tried and true pork
bacon, or maybe go a little exotic with gout bacon. But this year I'm pulling out all the stops
and going with Penquin bacon. Sure
they're cute, cuddly, endangered and all that crap, but this is BACON we're
talking about. Put a little lettuce and
tomato on it and you've got a PLT that even the most avid tree-hugger couldn't
resist.'
The Slushies frigid owner, Kristy, was found at her Arctic
compound preparing for the big day.
'Election Day is just around the corner and up here in the Great White
North the Polar Tea Party is really gaining popularity. We view the Constitution as an almost sacred
document, right up there with the Bible, An Inconvenient Truth, and Mad
Libs. We advocate a literal
interpretation of the Constitution and we're moving towards that goal even as
we speak. In fact we've just received a
shipment of M-16s and have begun passing them out to the local polar bear
population, because as the Second Amendment states, every American has the
Right to Arm Bears, and by God that's what we're going to do.'
-
Week 8: 10-31-2010
It is a dark and stormy night on Halloween Eve Eve Eve as
this intrepid reporter makes his rounds about the League. Alas, misfortune has befallen our intrepid
hero, as an auto accident has left me crippled and stuck in the middle of
nowhere. Fortunately a kindly lady,
Annie, has taken me in and as luck would have she is a huge fan of the
Newsletter. A surprising turn as the
circulation of said Newsletter numbers in the less than tens. And as Misery loves company, she's agreed to
nurse me back to health in return for writing for her. A more than fair arrangement, I must say, as
she cooks a mean yogurt soup, I do have
a few misgivings about her, though, as she seems to have an unhealthy
attachment to one of the Newsletter's beloved characters, Mad Dog Hupp. I'm sure it's nothing. Anyway, on with this week's happenings.
This week kicks off with a Science Fiction Double Feature of
team's so horrid they almost defy description as DaBears face the Fright-ful
Ninjas. Ninjas owner, Meagan, had this
to say about her team, 'So far this season has been a little Rocky. A regular Horror Picture Show, I must say. I wish I could take a hop to the left, and a
step to the right and go through a Time Warp and get me back to the start of
the season My team if full of Riff
Raff, hell I think one of the players is even a Sweet Transvestite, from
Transylvania none the less. Sometimes I
hope this is a dream and someone will Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch-a, Touch me and
wake me up from this nightmare. The only
thing I can take comfort in anymore is my favorite meal. Dammit, Janet, where's my supper? Well Hot Patootie, Bless my Soul here's my
Meat Loaf and Frank-N-Furter now. To
Hell with the rest of this season, I'm Going Home.'
Another frightful matchup features the Pathetic Pansies and
the Far East Engineers. The Engineers
Chief Scientist, Dr. Abell was found in his team's Laboratory. 'If I'm to have any hope in salvaging the
rest of this season I'm going to have to unleash my secret weapon. I've been holding him back for fear of what
he'd do to the rest of this pathetic League.
He's so powerful he can slam a revolving door. A man so scary that when the Boogeyman goes
to sleep each night, he checks in his closet for this man. A man so smart that he knows the last digit
of Pi. That's right, I'm unleashing
Chuck Norris on all of your sorry asses.
Now you'll all know how Death felt when he had a near-Chuck Norris
experience.'
In a matchup made in Hell that is just perfect for this
week, The Evil Sinister P take on the hack and slash Slayers. The Slayers could be found at their new Amityville
team headquarters. 'I got a great deal
on my new headquarters. It seems the
previous owners were just dying to move.
It's a bit of a fixer-upper though..
There seems to be a lot of slamming doors and creaking floors, but
that's natural for a house this age. I'm
definitely going to have to paint that Red Room down in the basement it just
doen't go with the rest of the decor.
I'm also going to have to get me a big flyswatter to take care of all
these damn flies. I think the previous
owners had a pig or something that they left behind as I've seen its prints
around the house. Oh well, I've always
wanted a pet. I think I'll name it
Jodie. I
think I'm really going to like it here.'
High atop Castle Peachenstein, His Evil-ness Sinister P was
found preparing for the upcoming election.
'For years I've been thinking of doing this and I've finally decided to
throw my Wizard's hat into the ring.
Elections are being held for the Prince Of Darkness. It's a position I was destined to hold. From the time I was a little tyke in the
nursery and I turned my Nanny into a newt I've aspired to this post. I've just got to come up with some catchy
slogans. Something like 'The Audacity of
Fear' or 'Vote for Change (or I'll turn you into a newt)'. Nay, no one would fall for something as
cheesy as those.'
The all-powerful Savants look to vanquish another foe in the
hapless IceCaps this week. The IceCaps
frigid owner, Kristy, was found shivering in her office. 'This has been the season from Hell. I'd rather be in the Ninth Level of Eco-Hell
than go through any more of this torture.
Really, people? You've not heard
of Eco-Hell? We're talking a place so
vile and devious, a place where there are only incandescent bulbs, and NO
switches to turn them off. A place where
everything is made of Styrofoam and the only choice at stores is plastic or
plastic. My little Penquin buddies
shudder just thinking of it.'
The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found curled up in his
cubicle. 'I just had the most
frightening experience. I was at a place
so terrible I'm not sure I can even talk about it. To think places like that even exist, it's
just to much for my young mind to comprehend.
I thought I was going to a screening of the latest Discovery Channel
show, when I stumbled upon a <shudder> '70s Disco Revival featuring the
BeeGees. Those outfits and that
singing. Loosen those pants a bit and
maybe you won't sound like you've got your balls in a vise. My mind quivers just thinking about it.'
The final matchup features the CIA versus the Staleys. The Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her
real name, was found on her way to her Life Skills course. 'Tonight's lecture is 'How to Poke a Zombie
and Get Away with It'. You'd be
surprised at the number of people who scoff at the notion of keeping a good
Zombie poker nearby. Well not this
girl. I for one enjoy a good poking
every once in a while.'
The coach of the Staleys, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at his
favorite watering hole. 'This season has
really been a drain on me. I'm not sure
I can take the frustration much more. It
may be time for me to hang up the old whistle and head to my place in
Mexico....
What is it Annie? I
understand Mad Dog's your favorite character, but he is just a character. I mean really, people do you think someone
like that could exist in real life? Now
Annie, calm down now. Annie, what are
you doing with that sledge hammer? Annie,
don't go doing anything I'm going to regret.
ANNIE, ANNIE AAARRRRRRRRGHHHHHH
HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!
-
Week 9: 11-07-2010
With the polls now closed, FFL News can now project that the
Commish has won another term in a landslide.
We now take you to the Party Headquarters where the Commish is speaking,
'This resounding victory for the Kind & Benevolent Commish is a clear
mandate on my dictatorial...I mean compassionate managing style. I think the fact that I received 100% of the
votes clearly shows the support I have in this League. While voter turnout was a little low, I knew
I could count on my hard core supporter to come through for me in the end and
get out the vote. Thank you and here's
to the next ten years of rule.'
In this week's first matchup, Da up and coming Bears take on
a sullen Pathetic Pansies. Da giddy
Bears owner, Rick, was found celebrating his turnaround. '102 points!
That's right, high score baby.
Take that all you naysayers. Two
weeks in a row with triple digits. 104
points, here I come. Woo-Hoo.'
Meanwhile it is quite a different mood when we drop by our
old buddy Barry O'bama at Big Momma's House.
'What the Hell happened? Someone
said Tea Party and I thought the Queen of England was dropping by again. I didn't know it had anything to do with that
ditzy broad from Alaska. How bad can it
be though? Dammit, I've got Audacity
people! I had a huge majority, so I lose
a few seats I can still get something passed.
What? I lost the House! Oh Jeez, I think I just crapped my
panties. I'd better get me another pair.
Now that's a Change You Can Believe In.'
In the Girls Gone Wild Power Hour Game of the Week, the CIA
takes on the Glee-ful Ninjas. The Ninjas
owner, Meagan, was found at the campaign headquarters of a Senate hopeful. 'Whenever a campaign finds itself in trouble,
I usually get the call to come in and get things turned around. This had to be my most challenging candidate
yet. One of the hardest things to
overcome are questions about one's religious beliefs. Now it isn't like she's an Aqua-Buddhist or
God forbid a Muslim. I have found though
that while being a Witch does have its advantages running for elected office is
not one of them. Now there are numerous
ways to counter the 'She's a Witch' claim.
The most obvious of course is to build a bridge out of her, but this
takes a lot of time and money. I decided
to use the old tried and true 'Witch to Duck weight ratio' which as anyone who
is wise to the ways of science knows is foolproof. When you're a pro like me, you'll find
overcoming problems like this are very self gratifying. I mean it isn't like she's against
Masturbation or something like that.
What? Oh Hell.'
The Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her real name, was
found gazing at her team's practice. 'I
really snookered the Savants with my latest trade. I've got the hottest team in the League now
with the addition of Jacob Tamme. I mean
his hottness is off the scale. I could
sit up here for hours and watch him practice.
I've ordered the laundry facility to wash all the team's uniform pants
in hot water so that they shrink a few sizes.
Ohhh, that's it baby, get in that three-point stance. I can't wait to lead him on a scoring drive,
if you know what I mean <wink,wink, nudge,nudge> .Just wait until he
finds out yours truly is the new team masseuse.
Ownership does have its privileges.'
The Slayers face the Staleys in other action. The coach of the Staleys, Mad Dog Hupp, was
found at his team's catered lunch when asked about the latest League election
results. 'Election? I thought this was a Dictatorship. This isn't
a freeking Democracy, this is football.
Do you think I go around asking my players if they want to keep on
practicing? By God they'll do as they're
told or they can hit the road. It's the
same when running a football League. If
you don't like the outcome of a game.
Boom, you change it. Hey that's
just life. Now what the Hell is this
supposed to be? I wouldn't feed this
crap to my dog.'
The Slayers look to rebound after a somewhat disappointing
outing the week before. 'My team been a
little out of sorts lately since the loss of our team leader. It's hard to bounce back from the loss of
your number one pick. I'm sure once he's
back in the lineup we'll get back on the winning track. I know 46 points is a disappointing score,
but it isn't like we only scored 36. I
mean come on, don't you get like 30 for just showing up?'
The Rout of the Week features Sinister P and the Polar
Slushies. His Evil-ness Sinister P was
found addressing the media at his pre-game press conference. 'I don't want to say I'm confident of a
victory this week. Let's just say the
Slushies have about as much of a chance as a Blue Dog Democrat at a Tea Party.'
Meanwhile the Polar Slushies frigid owner, Kristy, was found
at her Northern campaign headquarters.
'I'm tired of sitting back and watching as these Politicians melt the
icecaps and club seals, metaphorically speaking of course. I don't mean they actually club seals, that's
what they have interns for. So I've
decided to start my own eco-friendly political movement. There's already one ditzy broad running
around up here in the Great White North spouting off about Tea every time I
turn around who seems to be getting a lot of press so I've decided to use another refreshing
beverage to advertise my cause. Nothing
is better on a cold Northern night than a little hot Cocoa and that's my
inspiration for my new party, the Penquin Cocoa Party or PCP for short. No sooner had I started my PCP website when
I'd received thousands of hits. It's
almost as if an Angel dusted my cause with a little heavenly goodness. Ever since I've started PCP I've been all
a-tingle with excitement and have had visions of magical Penquins dancing in
the clouds with pink Polar Bears. I
think this movement is really going to catch on.'
The final matchup of the week features the Far East
Engineers and the Sunday Savants.
The owner of the Engineers, Dr. Phil, was found at his
workshop preparing for the upcoming Holiday season. 'With the popularity of the creepy yet
somehow strangely erotic toys the Sing-a-lings, I've decided to take advantage
of their popularity with a new toy of my own.
While the Sing-a-lings squeak out a song by pressing their belly my toy
will emit an entirely different sound.
Now I know what your thinking, "Dr. Phil what sort of sound would
you have them emit?" I'll tell you,
that lovely melodic sound that everyone associates with the Holiday, the bell
(not what you thought, huh?) My little
toys with each ring with Holiday cheer with every press of their belly. I'm sure that squeezing my Ding-a-ling will
bring joy to kids of all ages this Holiday season.'
Meanwhile, the owner of the Savants, Justin, was found
mulling over the latest election returns.
'This is no way to run an election.
Really, people? One person, one
vote Have you seen the American public
lately? Do you really want them to each
have an equal vote? I don't see how some
of these people get around without walking into walls more. What we need is some sort of weighted system
that takes all variables into account.
Maybe pick some characteristics that would describe the ideal voter and
then deduct a percentage of the vote depending on how far from ideal a person
is. Think about it. I mean come on, you're saying that old people
over 40 should have as much say as a young person. I'm not putting my future in the hands of
someone with one foot in the grave. And
what about these Reality TV watching morons.
These clowns think they're voting someone off the Island for crying out
loud. And don't get me started on
women. They have trouble deciding what
shoes to wear in the morning. No way I'm
relying on them to form a government.
And since one's health says a lot about one's mental faculties there
should definitely be a fitness requirement.
Do you really want someone who has to stop and eat a Twinkie halfway
through the voting process to decide the fate of the Free World? Not me.
I'd say the ideal voter should be a college educated, Discovery Channel
hating, male around say 28, who can run a mile in under 6 minutes. I'm not sure I'd trust anyone else off that
ideal to make a rational decision.'
-
Week 11: 11-21-2010
With the Holiday Season fast approaching, we find the League
Office all a-flurry as they prepare for the Annual Holiday Drop. The Commish had this to say about the
upcoming festivities, 'Every year we like to give back to the community and
bring a little joy to those less fortunate than us. Now we could go and serve food at a local
shelter like some leagues, but where's the sport in that? Our Holiday Drop combines charity and sports
as the League helicopter hovers over needy sections of town and drops food to
the masses below. The last few years
have been quite successful and this year I've got a special treat for the
teeming masses. Now if you'll excuse me
I've got to get this party started.'
Our first matchup features the once fearsome Decatur Staleys
and the young upstart Sunday Savants.
The coach of the Staleys was found at his favorite watering hole. 'I'm at the end of my rope. I haven't won a game in over a month. What am I the Ninjas? That just doesn't happen to one of my
teams. I think this game may be passing
me by. It just isn't the same since they
instituted all these namby-pamby rules to protect the players. If you can't take a guys head off when you
take'em down, what's the point of playing?
I'm thinking of turning the reins over to my assistant, DIngle. I mean this team plays like a bunch of
Dingleberries so they might as well be coached by one.'
Meanwhile a highly
agitated owner of the Savants, Justin, was found at an undisclosed remote
tropical island. 'You weren't followed
were you? Are you sure you took all the
precautions I gave you? I don't know
what I was thinking. As you know I've
been dominating this puny little League and as a result a lot of money could be
made if by some miracle I'd happen to not cover the spread. Well, I was approached with an offer to throw
my match against the Slayers. Naturally,
I've got much too much integrity to do that.
However, the next morning when I woke up next to a penquin head, I knew
that I'd been given an offer that I couldn't refuse. I did all I could to throw the game. I mean come on, do you think I'd really sit
my best RB and play a QB on bye if I wasn't trying to lose? My only mistake was underestimating the
suckiness of my opponent. Now I'm on the
lam, fearing for my life, just hoping that this whole thing blows over.'
In other action, the Far East Engineers square off against
the Polar Slushies. The Engineer's Chief
Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found in the team's design center. 'I'm just putting the finishing touches on my
latest invention. My new Geosynchronous
Chapstick Bilocation device is certain to revolutionize the Chapstick locating
industry. Granted this is an industry in
its infancy, but I'm sure there is someone out there willing to pay big bucks
for this device.'
The frigid owner of
the Slushies, Kristy, was found at her team's Antarctic compound. 'My long time goal has always been to save
the American people from themselves, and of course to end the wanton slaughter
of penquins due to the use of Styrofoam cups. Now that I've started my own political
movement, PCP, it is on to step two of my plan.
With the launching of my new Reality TV show 'Kristy's Frigid Down
Below' I hope to bring the spotlight on myself so as to use my new found fame
and fortune to advance those causes which I find important. I'm also hoping to get a new wardrobe at of
the gig too.'
DaBears, in a battle critical to their playoff hopes, face
off against a slightly distracted CIA.
The Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her real name, was found at
her team's secret rendition facility...I mean...training compound. 'With the team struggling lately, I find it
necessary to bring players up here to my little training facility who may
require some extra conditioning. I've
found that the extra attention that I provide really gets them refocused. Tamme!
It rubs the lotion on its skin.
It does this whenever it is told.
It rubs the lotion on its skin or it gets the hose again. I'll not stand for any chafing, mister. You don't want me to get the whips out again,
do you? And where the Hell is my
Chapstick? You know what dry lips do to
my skin.'
The struggling Ninjas face off against last week's
surprising 'victors' the Slayers. Ninjas
coach, Meagan, was found at her team compound where she was asked about her
team being eliminated from playoff contention.
'Hell, being eliminated in week 11 is practically a victory for this
team. I'm surprised I haven't already
been mathematically eliminated from next year's playoffs already. I'd certainly be in hot water with any other
team, luckily around this place hot water is a little FREEKING SCARCE at the
moment.'
The coach of the Slayers, Snake Plisskin, was found outside
the Air Jamaica terminal. 'I've got a
little unfinished business from last week that I've sent my sidekick the Little
Wiggler to take care of. Now the
Wiggler, she may look all sweet and innocent, but she's really a little five
foot, blond pit bull. Whenever I've got
a problem that Marrets my attention I just send her and she'll kick the sheet
out of them.'
We interrupt this Newsletter for breaking news from the site
of the League's Annual Holiday Drop where the streets are in chaos and a dazed,
confused and slightly feathered Commish is issuing a statement. 'I'd like to apologize to all of the
participants in this year's Holiday Drop that may have been traumatized by
today's proceedings. I had hoped to
bring joy to everyone's Thanksgiving by giving them that symbol of all that is
good and wholesome about this holiday. To
drop down to the masses that centerpiece of any holiday meal. I had no idea that this carnage would be the
result. As God is my witness, I thought
phuckenturkeys could fly.'
The final matchup features the all-powerful Sinister P and
the truly Pathetic Pansies. His Evilness
Sinister P was found in his infamous culinary laboratory preparing for the
upcoming holiday. 'We all know that
Thanksgiving just isn't complete without some phuckenturkey. However, I've always felt that it was missing
a little something. Through endless
gastrological permutations I've hit upon a couple of combinations that are sure
to be a hit. I've found that with the
addition of venison and a little Chilean Sea Bass to my previous culinary
masterpiece I've created the ultimate Thanksgiving entree. However, I'm just not sure which one I
prefer. Although I guess if I was forced
to choose I would have to say that I would rather have a few of the phuckenbassturds
than a phuckendeass.'
HAPPY PHUCKENTURKEY DAY!!!
Week 13: 12-05-10
If Christmas music is blaring through the League office that
can only mean one thing. That's right,
the Playoffs are almost here. As we
enter the final week of the regular season, most of the matchups have playoff
implications or give an owner that one last shot at dignity by going out with a
win.
The first matchup features two of the League's first year
owners who both have playoff aspirations.
The Slayers have a shot at a Division title and a first round bye if
they take care of DaBears!. The Slayers owner, Ashley, had this to say about
her chances. 'There were those in this
League who mocked, ridiculed, laughed, and scoffed at me after the draft and my
selection of a kicker number one. Well
now it's my turn to scoff in their general direction. All you need is kickers and quarterbacks in
this League. As for DaBears, do you
really think they have a chance against me?
I mean I've got 'Slay' right there in my name. I'll have me DaBearskin rug in front of my
fireplace this winter.'
Meanwhile, DaBears need a win and a loss by the Slushies,
which is usually a near certainty, to earn a trip to the playoffs. DaBears however have been hit by a spate of
late season injuries which has left DaBears owner trying to find anyone willing
to suit up at runningback for his squad.
In the Matchmaker International Mismatch of the Week, his
Evil-ness Sinister P takes on a hapless CIA.
With the number one seed and a first round bye all wrapped up his
evil-ness has had time to turn his attention to his next venture. 'While I've enjoyed my time as a Fantasy
owner in this League, I've always felt there was something missing in my life
of evil-ness. I've recently been offered the opportunity to take my skills to
the Pigpimples School of Witchcraft and Wizardry where I've been offered the
position of Professor of Dark Arts of Primping.
Kids these days can barely keep their pants up much less knot a tie or,
God forbid, show any sort of sleeve rolling skill. I've always felt the youth of the world could
benefit from my GQ-level talents and what better way to impart my
sleeve-rolling and tie-knotting skills on the next generation then to instruct
them in those Dark Arts.'
Meanwhile, the Director of the CIA, Casey, if that's her
real name, having been eliminated from playoff contention a month ago, is
spending her spare time trying to track down her personal identity which seems
to have been misplaced somewhere between Brazil and Delaware.
The once dominant Sunday Savants look to salvage a first
round bye with a victory against the Ninjas.
The owner of the Savants, Justin, had this to say about his chances this
week. 'Am I concerned? Are you kidding? I'm playing the Ninjas for crissakes. My team headquarters is right next door to
hers and all I hear all day is the clanking of bottles. I don't think she's been sober all season.'
Meanwhile, the owner of the ninjas, Meagan, was found at her
soggy team facility where she has been testing the absorbency properties of
felines. 'With the excessive rains we've
had the past week it seems my team facility has sprung a few leaks. Running a team doesn't leave me much time to
mop however, my two cats seem to have nothing better to do than lie around all
day so I'm epoxying them to my leaky wall and letting them soak up the mess.'
The Engineers face off against the once powerful Decatur
Staleys. The Engineers Chief Engineer,
Dr. Phil, having already locked up a spot in the playoffs has turned his
attention to the upcoming Holiday season.
'I'm a bit overwhelmed by the popularity of my Ding-a-ling. I've got my staff of Engineer Elves working
overtime to keep up with demand. It
brings a smile to my face just thinking about all those children on Christmas
morning as they whip out their Ding-a-lings and start playing with them.'
Meanwhile, the once feared coach of the Staleys, Mad Dog
Hupp, is having trouble dealing with his team's elimination from playoff
contention. 'I'm not sure what went
wrong with my team this year. I'm
seriously considering therapy to help me deal with this. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm not about going to
therapy myself. I'm talking about
becoming a Therapist. All these bleeding
heart therapists running around is what's wrong with the world today. They keep turning out all these namby-pamby
jack-wagons who can't cope with any adversity.
Oh, Mad Dog it's too hot to practice.
Oh, Mad Dog, I've got a headache.
Oh, Mad Dog, I've got a compound leg fracture. Get over it you jack-wagons! Here's a freeking box of Kleenex! Now get your ass on the field!'
The final match-up
features the perennial powerhouse the Pansies, who again show that superior
football intellect and unfettered access to the League's scoring computer is a
powerful combination, against the Polar Slushies. The Slushies frigid owner, Kristy, was found
recuperating after her latest traveling travails. 'If I'm to further my Eco-crusade and keep it
relevant, I've got to take advantage of the latest in Social Media. I've been experimenting with this Twitter
thing. I've found it quite relaxing
lately to twit while I'm making sweaters.
I guess you could say I've become quite a knit-twit. I did get quite the laugh last week when I
twitted a joke about a tufted tit mouse who played tiddly winks. My followers were quite a-titter about the
tufted titty tiddly twitter. Alas, I
would have liked to have twatted more about it, but I ran out of
characters. I think this twitting thing
just might catch on.'
-
2010 Playoffs: Digitally Remastered
(New from K-tel: Hear the 2010 season like you’ve never heard
it before, 100% digitally remastered. No
more of those clunky vinyl albums or 8-tracks (Google it). Now you can listen to the Greastest Hits of
2010 in all their binary glory. Who can
forget Dr. Phil playing with his ‘Ding-a-Ling’, or the Polar Slushies and their
smash hit ‘Turn Your Damn Lights Off…You Penquin Hating Scum’? These and many more are yours now at your
nearest retailer.)
Your intrepid reporter is back, fresh off the Disco Revival
Tour featuring the Bay City Rollers and the Starland Vocal Band, to bring you a
recap of the exciting 2010 Fantasy Playoffs.
The opening round of the Playoffs saw his Evil-ness Sinister
P and the Bad-ass Slayers enjoying byes, thanks to the dominance they showed
over the course of the year. The Slayers
coach, Snake Plisskin, had this to say ‘This just goes to show it pays to heed
the sage advice of our wise and all-knowing Commish. If it wasn’t for him I never would have
thought to draft a Kicker number 1.’ In
the opening battle of the Playoffs, the monkey-brained Pansies edged out the
Far-East Engineers in a hard fought battle to see who gets served up as the
next victim of his Evil-ness. Meanwhile
the youthful Savants finally put an end to the debate over Global Warming as
they melted the last of the Polar Slushies.
Round two kicks off with a late season Grudge Match. The nowhere near old Savants look to make up
for their final week swoon where they seemingly pissed away the top spot in
their Division and the #2 seed in the Playoffs to the kicker-savvy Slayers with
an unthinkable loss. Let’s just hope
this isn’t an omen of things to come.
Alas for the poor Slayers their surprising rookie season came to a close
with a thorough ass-kicking from the Savants.
Slayers owner, Ashley, commented after the game ‘I think this result
just goes to show you what a powerful leg can do for you. Next year you can bet I’m going to take
Kickers 1,2,3.’ As for his Evil-ness
Sinister P victory is all but assured in his matchup against the
Fantasy-challenged Primates. The only
chance the seemingly overmatched Primates have is if half of his Evil-ness’
team fails to show up. Unfortunately for
Sinister P that is exactly what appears to have happened as four players in his
lineup fail to score a point in what has to be one of the most epic routs in
Fantasy Football history, if I do say so myself. His Evil-ness was found at his favorite haunt
where he had these final words, ‘While I’ve enjoyed my time wreaking havoc upon
this League I believe it is time for me to move on. Stay Thirsty My Friends.’
In a Generational Battle of the Ages, the Championship Game
featured the barely-out-of-diapers Sunday Savants against the
not-yet-requiring-diapers Pansies in a match to determine if one’s Fantasy is
best served by youthful exuberance or the wisdom of the ages. With the odds-makers in BoonVegas installing
the Savants as huge favorites a cocky Savants owner is rumored to be placing
large bets on his team. Meanwhile, the
always magnanimous and gracious Pansies’ owner would have nothing to do with
the vile trash-talking that filled the cubicles. As the game played out it became clear that
youth would not be served this day. An
always humble Pansies’ owner had this to say after what I believe, if memory
serves, is his second Championship, ‘I’d just like to thank all the little
people, like you, who made this season possible.’ Attempts to reach the Savants’ owner were
unsuccessful as all that was heard coming from his cubicle was a choking sound.
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