Week 2 - September 18, 2011

With the first week of the Fantasy season in the books, now is the time for the typical Fantasy owner to sit and reflect on all the work and preparation that was put into assembling this team and wonder ‘is it too late for a do-over?’  Unfortunately, you’ve got to dance with who brung ya at this party so there is nothing else to do but to start drinking heavily. 

Our first match-up of the week features the END ZONE BALLAZ and the Solar Sunshine.  The owner of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ , where he’s brought in the Gap Band to help celebrate his improbable week one victory.  ‘DON’T EVER COUNT THE BALLAZ OUT!  I AIN’T GONNA LET SOME PRIZZY PRETTY BOY QB BEAT ME BY THROWING DOWN A 50 SPOT ON MY AZZ.  I KNEW IF HE WENT FLINGING THE ROCK AROUND ENOUGH HE’D EVENTUALLY SCREW UP AND THROW IT TO MY BOY, WEZ WELKER.  AND IF THERE IS ONE THING THAT A BALLAZ KNOWZ, IT’S HOW TO GET IN THE FRIGGING END ZONE.  THAT’S WHAT MAKES UZ BALLAZ!  THAT AND THE HABIT OF REPLACING THE LETTER ‘S’ WITH A ‘Z’.’

The Solar Sunshine look to rebound from a disappointing week one showing.  For her take on this week’s game the coach of the Sunshine, a saddened Susie Soleil, had this to say, ‘The season has certainly gotten off to a rocky start.  First my team flounders about like a dolphin with no tail, and then I hear the news that my little buddy ‘Happy Feet’ has turned up missing.  I guess when you find yourself lost and so addled that you don’t know the difference between sand and snow, there will always be someone to pick you up, get you back on your happy little feet and on your way back home again.  Of course, right when you think things are looking up a big Leopard seal swoops in and eats your ass, which is an apt metaphor for fantasy football if you asked me.’

In other action, the always Glee-ful Ninjas take on the Sunday Savants who like a force to be reckoned with again this year.  The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at her Westside compound recovering from her latest adventure.” ‘Come join me on a little run,’ says a fellow owner.  ‘It is only a 5k, and it is for a good cause,’ she says.  So off I go with her to the ‘Zoo Run with Ferocious Beasts 5k’ to do a good deed and get a little exercise.  How bad can it be?  Lions, tigers, just big ol’ pussy cats.  I mean their rhino doesn’t even have a horn for crissakes.  Little did I know she was leading me into the fourth Plane of Hades.  You know that’s the Plane where Satan keeps all of his demon spawn fowl.  It was 5k of sheer terror.  What the Hell kind of place lets peacocks run lose all willy-nilly?  Those things are just looking for eyes to poke out.  I mean there are kids around for crissakes.  I’m still shaking.  I need a drink.  Frederick!”

The owner of the Savants, Justin, was found reveling in his victory over his bitter rival.  ‘Those Rascals never knew what hit them.  If you are going to take down a team you go straight for the heart, and with the Rascals that means the Kicker.  On the opening kick-off I went all Gillooly on his ass.  He never knew what hit him.  What’s that look for?  You never heard of anyone knee-capping the competition before?  What did you think I meant by Gillooly? Oh for ever more, where am I going to get a wedding dress?  Also, I’ve got a beef with the Editor of this rag.  How is it we only make to week 2 before we start getting obscure 80’s references again?  Now I’ve got to get my VH1 I Luv the 80’s desk reference book out again.  I guess those damn Monty Python references can’t be far behind. ’

The Pansies square off against DaBears! who are still reeling from their opening week loss.  Rumor has it DaBears! owner, Rick, is holed up in his little get-away.  So I’m heading down the Atlanta highway lookin’ for his little get-away.  I hear it’s a little old place set way back in the middle of a field.  It’s just a funky little shack.  Once I pull my big old Caddy up the drive.  I bang, bang, bang on the door but I guess he can’t hear me so I knock, knock, knock a little louder.  I notice the whole shack shimmies and then I notice he’s up on the roof with his tools.  He’s up there just a bang, bang, banging.  I asked what he was up to but I couldn’t hear his reply: 

BANG BANG BANG

Intrepid reporter:   I can’t hear you!

BANG BANG

Intrepid reporter:  You’re what? 

Rick:  My Tin roof, rusted!

The Pansies owner was found getting ready for his next foray into the latest social networking craze.  ‘That twitting thing didn’t work out so well for me, but I’m much more confident in my latest endeavor, blogging.  I’ve always wanted to be a blogger.  You know they get to sleep all night and works all day.  I eats my lunch.  I go to the laboratory.  On Thursdays I goes shoppin’ and have buttered scones with tea. Oh, I’m Lumberjack  and I’m okay.  What?  You mean blogging isn’t some fancy new tree felling technique?  Well Hell, can I at least still put on women’s clothing and hang around in bars?’

Our final matchup features the Far East Engineers and the little Rascals.  At the Engineers’ complex preparations are underway for the first episode of their Fantasy self-help program, ‘The Dr. Phil Show’.  We spoke to the show’s host, Dr. Phil, about his plans for this endeavor.  ‘With the growth and popularity of football around the world, there is a need for someone that people can turn to with their Fantasy questions and I hope my new show fulfills their needs.  In fact I’m getting ready to take my first call now.’

Dr. Phil: Go ahead listener, you’re on. 

Noob: Yes, Dr. Phil, I’m a long time listener, first time caller. I just want to say I think you do an excellent job. 

Dr Phil: Why thank you caller and thanks for calling. 

Noob: Ah no, Dr. Phil, here’s my problem. 

Dr. Phil: Okay, well, go ahead. 

Noob: I’m getting ready for my first Fantasy of football and I bought your Draft-o-matic 3000 but I think it may be broken. 

Dr. Phil: I’m sorry to hear that. Could you tell me what’s wrong? 

Noob: Well, Dr. Phil, I think the boobs are broken. 

Dr. Phil: The what? Excuse me caller, did you say the ‘boobs are broken?’ 

Noob: Yes, the boobs, the two, rounded masses on the front. I’ve tried twisting them a little but I’m not getting any response. 

Dr. Phil: Ah caller, are you sure you’re talking about the Draft-o-matic 3000 and not the ‘Blow Me Cheerleader, inflatable cheering section? 

Noob: Oh yes, I’m sure. The Draft-o-matic has the arrow that points up or down, which is sheer genius I must say, but now it won’t light up because the boobs are broken. 

Dr. Phil: Oh, you mean the bulbs are broken not the boobs. 

Noob: Bulbs, not boobs? I never made the connection. By the way, does the Blow Me Cheerleader know Portuguese? 

Dr. Phil: Thank you and that will do it this week for the Dr. Phil Show.

 Meanwhile, at the Rascal’s compound changes are afoot after their humiliating season opening loss.  The coach of the Rascals, Ashley, had this to say, ‘After losing my first two draft picks for the season it’s obvious I’ve got to bring in some help.  I’ve searched far and wide for someone with the Fantasy intellect that can help my poor team get turned around.   Luckily I was able to find perhaps one of the top Fantasy minds in the world, The Doctor.  Why his thesis on ‘Fantasy Ramifications of 2KQB Hybridizations’ is cutting edge stuff.  Nothing like what that hack Schrodinger posits.  He feels that right now my team is experiencing a bit of steric hindrance and by using a pericyclic addition of a QB-RB diene that Diels-Alder made famous in their run to the ’68 Fantasy World Championship he can get this team turned around.   He’s even wants to experiment with 2RB heterodienophiles and their relationship via endo addition to Rickert-Alder reactions with a WR-TE-WR triene.  Of course, it all gets a bit skimble-skamble about this point so I just nod and agree.  However, I think this is pretty cutting edge stuff that could get us the Nobel for Fantasy Football Applications.’