Welcome to the 2009 Red Spot Fantasy Football League.
The page has turned on an exciting 2008 season which saw an upstart Eastside Hacks make an unlikely run to the Fantasy Championship. Alas her dreams of glory fell short at the
hands of the powerful Decatur Staleys who had dominated the league the entire
season.
This year should prove to be just as exciting with numerous
questions which remain to be answered:
Will the Petunia Pickin’ Pansies be able to survive the
season now that the honeymoon is over for Barry O’Bama and his Socialist style
of football? And what of his one time
challenger from the Great White North, Para Sailin? Rumor has it she is lying in wait for her
chance to reemerge onto the Fantasy stage.
Will the Decatur Staleys and their reclusive owner be able
to continue their dominance over the other hapless and pathetic challengers to
The One’s fantasy prowess?
Will the directionally challenged Eastside Hacks finally
figure out where their team headquarters is actually located?
Will the Big Peaches playboy owner’s move of his team
headquarters to a far flung tropical paradise effect his performance?
Now that Global Warming is a thing of the past due to the
overall cooling of the planet, will the au naturel owner of the Polar Puddles
find another outlet for her ecoterroristic ways?
Will the owner of the Ginormous Gouts finally end his quest
for the almighty merchandising dollar and settle on a single name for his club?
How will the move of the Tropical Tree Swingers to her new
Manhattan location after the razing of her team’s rain forest location for an
ethanol filling station effect her green image?
Will the Happy Ninjas owner return to her perky
happy-go-lucky ways or does she still harbor an irrational grudge against the
kind and benevolent Commish for some perceived sleight?
What will become of his evil-ness Sinister P now that he has
seen the Light and has emerged from his dark shadow to be bathed in the
constant glow of the Sun?
Will the League mandated ‘anger management’ sessions result
in a kinder, gentler Mad Dog or will the electro-shocks just make him that much
more cantankerous?
These questions and many more will be answered this year in
“As the Football Spirals”.
The draft for this year’s FKK Fantasy Sumo League is fast
approaching. The draft is set to take
place in the early AM of Saturday September 5.
Remember that with the exchange rate and by crossing the dateline that ends
up being Wednesday, 467 yen so please plan accordingly. A quick tour of the League offices found the
owners in various stages of draft preparation.
The kind and benevolent Commish and much beloved owner of
the Pansies was found hard at work trying to figure out the crazy rules of this
Sumo thing and how best to twist the results to his benefit.
The slightly demented owner of the Swimmingly Ginormous
Bouncing Chicken Fuggle-Gouts was trying to figure out how to fit the entire
name of his team onto the front of his team jerseys.
The reclusive owner of the defending Champion Staleys is
rumored to be scouring the villages of China looking for the next
‘Refrigerator’ Perry since most manufacturing has been off-shored.
Flora Bears owner Mad Dog is currently under quarantine
until the rabies test results come back for the reporter he bit during training
camp.
Eastside Hacks owner was last seen roaming aimlessly in
search for her latest team headquarters while trying to refold a map to its
location.
The Happy Ninjas owner was located at the local post office
perusing the FBI’s Most Wanted list in search for her latest draft gem.
Big Peach owner, Mr. Big, was found compiling his latest
Fantasy draft Hoshin plan while simultaneously perfecting the latest sleeve-rolling
technique.
His evil-ness Sinister P was found hard at work trying to
hook up his wand recharger to his solar powered wind turbine.
The au naturel owner of the Monkey Swingers was found hard
at work on her off-shore drilling platform dipping puffins in barrels of crude
oil.
Meanwhile, Polar Puddles owner, and infamous eco-terrorist,
was found buying up ‘sea front’ property twenty miles inland of the East coast.
It looks like we’re in for another entertaining Fantasy
season.
-
At a hastily called news conference this morning the kind
and benevolent Commish announced a surprise expansion to the League this
year. The Commish, flanked by two burly
‘gentlemen’ had this to say, “Due to the economic downturn that has swept over
the country the League has found itself in dire financial straits. Because of this I’ve decided to invite two
new teams to join our League. Their
franchise fees will go a long way to restoring my finances, er I mean, the
League’s finances to a stable footing.
I’d also like to refute those rumors that this expansion is in any way
connected to the heavy betting action on the Eastside Hacks in last year’s
Fantasy Bowl. The League’s new financial
advisor Tony Sparano has said this is the best move to make at this time to protect
my health, er I mean, the League’s health.
Luckily I found an ownership group willing and Abell to join the League
on such short notice. Once this new
group gets their front office in order I’ll have further announcements. For now I wish them the best of luck and I’m
sure they’ll go down in history with other great couples like Sonny and Cher,
Bert and Ernie, and Bonnie and Clyde.”
The opening weekend has come and gone and with it goes all
the pomp and pageantry that goes with it.
It was a successful opening week with hotly contested games and an even
hotter ‘Kickoff Chili’ which has to date caused only one casualty. Reports are the victim is expected to make a
full recovery after undergoing only a minor stomach transplant. But now it is off to work for our intrepid
Fantasy beat reporter.
Week 2 kicks off with the powerful Pansies, who look to have
regained their Championship form after a tumultuous season last year, facing
the Bugger Wankers. Many early season
publications picked the Buggers to finish last in their division but a
surprising opening day victory over last season’s runner-up Hacks has the
Wankers optimistic. The owner of the
Wankers, Thurston Poppinjay VII, was pleased with his team’s performance, “All
in all I think the gents put on a jolly good show. I was a bit dismayed with the performance of
our QB though. It was quite a shock to
learn that the ‘O’ next to his name didn’t mean ‘outstanding’. Luckily that kicking fellow carried the show.
Now if you’ll excuse me the Duchess
Pembroke and I are off to a Crumpets Festival.”
In the Tough Luck Game of the week the hard luck Hacks face
the Polar Puddles, in a game which in all probability will end with both teams
somehow managing to lose. The Hacks
owner, Meagan, was found at the local ‘Ass Kicking’ Contest scouting for her
new kicker. “I figure if I can find a
freeking one-legged man kicking a little butt I can get rid of that poor excuse
of a kicker I’ve got now. I mean all you
have to do is kick the little ball between two big freeking yellow poles. How hard can it possibly be?”
The Ginormous Gouts face the surprising Far East Engineers
whose dominating open week victory has everyone at Tamagotchi Pikachu Laboratories thinking
Championship. Chief Enjineer, Dr. J, had
this to say about his team’s chances, “This victory was a foregone
conclusion. Frankly this fantasy thing
is really quite simple. The reverse
Fourier transform inverse logarithm algorithm that I’ve come up with makes my
team unbeatable. In fact the Labs super
computer, Deep Throat, has already determined that we’ll win the Fantasy Bowl
by 54 points.”
The Gouts owner was found outside the 8th Circuit
Fantasy Court where he’s embroiled in a Trademark infringement case. “It seems one of the Red Spot League team
owners has absconded a name that I’ve legally trademarked and is using it for
her own in another league. My Attorneys
will show that the words: Fuggle, Chicken, Bouncing, Ginormous, Swimming and Gouts and the combined
phrases therein are the intellectual property of Bouncing Breasts Ltd. which
was the BBQ chicken establishment where I got my Fantasy start. It was in the backroom of the Bouncing Breast
that I had the inspiration which led to the Fantasy juggernaut that I run
today.”
The Decatur Staleys hoping to rebound from their opening
week loss face the top ranked Giant Peach.
Peach owner, Mr. Big, was found in Germany laying the groundwork for his
latest venture. “I’m looking to open the
world’s first eco-friendly brewery. The
Germans know two things, I mean other than kicking a little French ass, beer
and solar panels so where better then here to start my business. I’ve asked Helga here to personally help me
out. She’s got a huge array that I’d
like to get my hands on for my venture.”
Meanwhile the reclusive owner of the Staleys was found at his private
retreat fresh off his trip to the Orient.
“I scoured all of China in search of rare artifacts. As luck would have it I found a 7th
century Ming dynasty reflector that is perfect for my collection. The problem is I’ve been trying to hang the
reflector on my wall, but I’m having the hardest time finding anything that
will stick to it.”
His Evilness, Sinister P, faces his Grumpiness, ‘Mad Dog’
Hupp, in the Family Channel Game of the week.
‘Mad Dog’ was found at his favorite watering hole preparing for the
upcoming tilt. “Finally I’ve got a team molded in my image. No more of these manby-pambys running around
all willy-nilly. I’ve got a kick-in-your
teeth Defensive unit. Of course the
Players Union is a bit pissed. So what
if I strapped a rubber band around my defensive player’s balls? Did you see how they were flying around the
field making plays? Next week I’m
putting IcyHot in their jocks.”
In the N.O.W. Gloria Steinem Memorial Game of the week, the
Jolly Ninjas face the Tree Swingers.
With both teams coming off losses this is sure to be a cat fight for the
ages. Swinging Monkeys owner, Kristy,
was found at her latest ecological exploitative project in Grand Canyon
National Park. “A Grand Canyon, oh
pshaw, this is only a little hole in the ground with some water running through
it. So all that makes this is a big
ditch. So what’s wrong with a little
strip mining in a big ditch? This world
could use a little more high sulfur coal.
What with the gradual cooling of the planet and all. A little global warming would do us some
good. Now where’s my earth mover?” said
the feisty little ditch digger.
-
Week 3
Week 2 of this Fantasy season featured a record breaking
offensive output. However, if this
intrepid reporter knows one thing he knows that he can count on the teams in
this league to be even more offensive by the end of the year.
In the week’s opening match up we find the struggling Ft.
Branch Sinister P facing an up and down Side Hallway Happy Ninja squad. Ninja owner, Meagan, was found at her team
headquarters mulling a possible career change.
“I’m not sure if this Ninja hotel business is all it’s cracked up to
be. As I was swinging on the trapeze in
my bedroom one night, I thought that maybe I could take my love of cats and of
leather whips and start a business I could really be proud of. I’m looking into starting my own cat circus. I’ve taught my cats a couple of tricks already,
but I’m not sure if lying around sleeping and pissing on the wall is enough of
an act.”
This Championship caliber match up features the powerful
Decatur Staleys versus the upstart Eastside Hacks, oops wait a minute that was
last year. This week’s battle features
two once proud franchises trying to stay out of the league’s cellar. The Hack’s owner, Big Bad Voodoo Mamma, was
found in the backroom of her Little Haiti team headquarters. Chicken bones appear to be scattered about
the room and a small doll in a Seahawks jersey lies in a pool of what appears
to be…gravy. “You would’ve thought that
after the Brady for Ronnie Brown trade I pulled off a few years back that
people would’ve learned you don’t make a deal with a Voodoo Priestess. Well it
seems there’s always one sucker who thinks he can get away with it. Those pathetic Pansies never knew what
hit’em. Hasselbeck was a dead man
walking two hours after he was traded.
However, it does appear that my
spell lost a bit of its potency. It was
supposed to have ripped his spleen clean out however it only left him with a
few broken ribs. I guess I really
should’ve used a real chicken however just the thought of sacrificing a real
chicken really creeps me out. I figured
a four person Meal Deal from KFC would’ve worked just as well. Maybe I should have used extra crispy,” said
her Voodoo-ness.
This match up faces two of the hottest teams in the
League. The Bugger Wankers are coming
off an impressive victory and face the surprisingly strong Polar Puddles. The Head Wanker, Ian St. Ian, was found
lifting a pint in celebration of 250 years of motor oil, I mean Guinness
Stout. “Let’s here it for Sir Arthur
Guinness. Now there’s a man that knows
what a beer is supposed to be and not that bloody horse piss you Americans call
beer. And what about my Johnson! Can you believe how huge he was? Last week’s game would have been a terrible
loss if it wouldn’t have been for my Johnson.
I’ll put my Johnson up against of any of you puny American’s Johnsons,”
slurred the Head Wanker.
The Big Peach face a Petunia Pickin’ Pansies squad still
reeling from last week’s plucking. The
Pansies owner was found around a blazing bonfire with an angry mob. “I’m telling you the woman is a witch. She’s used her witchy powers on the wrong guy
this time. I know exactly how you handle
a witch like that. She’ll never get
another chance to use a bucket of KFC for evil again. I’ve instructed my team of engineers here to
begin plans for constructing a bridge out of her. Now that will be the end her,” said one who
is wise in the ways of science.
(The
intrepid reporter apologizes for having had to resort to Monty Python so early
in the season.)
The Far East Engineers face a struggling Monkey
Swingers. The head Swinger, Kristy, was
found texting her BFF. “I’m in constant
contact with my BFF, Bovine Flatulence Farm, keeping track of the latest
developments. With the global drop in
temperature, any means of warming the planet is desperately needed. That is why I’m looking at ways to increase
the methane production of cows. Recently
I’ve found a mixture of broccoli and beans that has caused a 50% increase in
their normal output.”
The shoes will be flying in this heavyweight match up when
the Ginormous Gouts face the roaring Flora Bears. Bears coach, ‘Mad Dog’ Hupp, was found at his
favorite watering hole. “How was that
for an ass-kickin’? I’ve never seen
those little pansy asses perform like that before. There just might be something to this Offense
thingy. I’ve never seen Schaub perform
like that. And Gore had a great
day. Although I was really proud of my
Johnson. He came up really big. Of course I’ve heard that Limey St. Ian has
been bragging about his Johnson. Well
when we face off in a few weeks we’ll see whose got the bigger Johnson,”
declared a defiant Mad Dog.
-
Week 4
Week 4
Week 4 kicks off with a resurgent Polar Puddles facing a
Decatur Staleys team which seems to have lost its way. With their dire situation seeming to be
improving the Puddles ownership has been contemplating a name change. “The strong performance of my team so far
this year has definitely got me to thinking that the ‘Puddles’ name no longer
applies. However we haven’t quite
reached the Championship form that would warrant the reviving of the revered
‘IceCaps’ so I’ve decided to go with something in between. Let’s hear it for the Polar Mildly Slushies!”
said PMS owner Kristy.
The once proud Staleys franchise seems to be lost in a fog
this year. Their reclusive owner is rumored
to be mulling a return trip to his spiritual advisor, Moo-Shup-Ork, to help him
get his season turned around.
The Bugger Wankers, coming off a heart-breaking last minute
loss to the Mildly Slushies, face the Giant Peach. The reserved and always gracious owner of the
Giant Peach, Mr. Big, was found plugging his latest venture. “I’ve found a way to harness the energy of
the sun to help solve the world’s water shortage. My new ‘Hydrocube’ is the wave of the
future. Just place one or two
‘Hydrocubes’ in a glass and watch as the power of the sun converts the proprietary formula of
the ‘Hydrocube’ into cool refreshing water.
Sometimes I amaze even myself.”
The Ft. Branch Sinister P face a Deforested Simian Lamers
squad in a battle of two teams moving in opposite directions. His Evil-ness, Sinister P, was found dancing
on the tattered remains of the Happy Ninjas.
Not one to gloat, His Evil-ness was reluctant to speak about his latest
(and only) victory. “I don’t hate the Ninjas.
I pity the fools. They’re washed
up. Finished. I’m the baddest in the world. Those Lamers, I’m gonna torture ‘em. I’m gonna hurt ‘em real bad. I can’t be beat. I won’t be beat. I pity the fools,” said Mr. P.
The Simian Lamers were found at their team complex hiding
under their beds. Deflowered owner,
Kristy, was at a loss on how to turn her team around. “If only I had the football acumen of the
Mildly Slushies owner. Now there is a
owner who knows her football.”
This week’s heavyweight battle features the fearsome Monsters
of the Mid(dle Hall)way, Flora Bears facing off against the Far East
Engineers. Bears coach, ‘Mad Dog’ Hupp,
was found toasting his new found success at his favorite watering hole. “I’ve said it all along. The best Defense is a good Offense. I’m planning on putting the most offensive
team on the field as I can. By the time
this season is done when someone thinks of ‘offensive’ they’re going to think
of ol’ Mad Dog.”
The headquarters of the Far East Engineers was found in a
bit of disarray. Chief Enjineer, Dr. J,
explained. “It appears on mainframe,
Deep Throat, has a few bugs that need to be worked out. One of the Techs stayed at a flea-bag motel
on his last business trip, and now the whole place is infested. I’ve got to fumigate the whole damn lab.”
The Ginormous Gouts face a fuming Ninjas squad. Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found sharpening the blades of her
blender. “By God, no one cackles at the
Ninjas. Especially some evil fruit. I’ll show him what a Ninja does when she’s
cackled at. I’ve got me a recipe for a
Peach smoothie and a high speed blender and I’m not afraid to use it.”
The Gouts owner was found in the team kitchen wearing a
Level IV Biohazard suit. “The team’s
annual Chili cook-off is coming up and I’ve got to get mine prepared. I just received my secret ingredient,
Peruvian Death Peppers. Since they’ve
tightened border security I have to get them smuggled across the border. It seems the DHS classifies them as a
biohazard. Last year, my poor assistant
got a small whiff without the proper containment gear and his nose melted right
off his face. These peppers when mixed
with a little Gout meat will give you a chili that will dissolve nails in only
a few hours (unlike Coke which takes four days). Few people know that Gouts were actually
breed on the highest slopes of Peru to hunt and kill the Peruvian Pepper
Weasel, which as everyone knows love Death Peppers. The Gout has since migrated to Pigeon Creek
Greenway where it survives by taking down unwary cyclists.
In this week’s Irrelevance Bowl, the pathetic Pansies face
the Eastside Hacks, but what’s the point.
Who the heck cares.
-
Week 5
Week 5 finds our intrepid beat reporter in the Ninth Plane
of Hell interviewing Old Nick himself.
“I usually try to keep Hell at a balmy 150F all the time or otherwise,
you know, it wouldn’t be hot as Hell.
Well you can imagine my surprise this morning when I got up and it was
only 30 freaking degrees. Then I
realized it must have finally happened.
The Polar IceCaps must finally be the top team in the Fantasy
League. I guess a snowball has a pretty
good chance down here now,” said a chagrined Old Nick. And now this reporter is off to old
McDonald’s farm where there are reports that pigs are flying.
This week the Far East Engineers face off against his
Evil-ness Sinister P, who’s coming off a short-lived winning streak. The Engineer’s headquarters, Tamagotchi
Pikachu Laboratories, was in upheaval as the League has instituted an
investigation into certain illicit activities.
Chief Enjineer, Dr. J, had this to say “The reports that this Lab was
behind the recent redirecting of the League’s website to FUPenguin.com are
completely false. This organization has
long supported cute, cuddly animals and in no way wishes to see them
defamed. In fact we’ve long been working
on improving the cuddly-ness quotient of some of the most popular animals. We have had a few minor setbacks but nothing
that can’t be overcome.”
The top ranked Polar IceCaps face the Phreaking Pathetic
Pansies in what may be the most lop-sided match up since the Titanic took on
the Iceberg. A jubilant IceCaps owner,
Kristy, was found trying to cope with the responsibilities that come with the
top ranking. “Ever since the rankings
were released we’ve been overwhelmed with calls for photo ops. It seems everyone wants the IceCaps to bring
some exposure to their cause. Now you’ll
have to excuse me I’ve got the team jet, Eco One, ready to go. We’re off to Australia for ‘Bilby Day’. If those crazy Aussies want to give some
mutant long-eared rat a national holiday who am I to complain as long as
there’s a pay day in it…I mean it’s for the good of the planet.”
The Flora Bears look to regain the top spot this week with a
mauling of the Happy Ninjas. An
exhausted Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found cowering under her bed. “I haven’t been able to sleep in days. Every since I went to check the latest scores
on the League website and came face to face with a vision of my worst
nightmare. I don’t know what a silky
freaking hen is but I haven’t been able to sleep a wink since I saw that
dream-stealing poultry nightmare.”
In this battle of mediocrity, the Ginormous Gouts face the
Deforested Lamers. The Gouts owner was
contemplating a name change for his disappointing squad. “This team is disgracing the Gouts vicious
name. I’m thinking I may go with
Lollipops as our new name since we’re always getting licked.”
Defrocked owner, Kristy, was found gearing up for her latest
bleeding heart campaign. “We’ve just
received word of an act so vile I
shudder to talk about it. It seems an
un-named Japanese Laboratory is experimenting with genetic engineering and
tampering with God’s cutest creations, the sweet lovable little kitten. Word is they’ve created a hideous monstrosity
that defies description. I’ve also heard that it speaks Japanese which I find
particularly hard to believe since that is an extremely difficult language to
learn especially for a little kitten.
Portuguese, maybe, but not Japanese.”
The Giant Peach looks to keep it’s perfect record intact
against the Westside Hacks. Hacks owner,
Meagan, was found at a Westside Nut Club Detox facility. A team spokesman had this to say, “details
are a bit sketchy, but it appears that while in a deep fried haze Meagan
ordered corn fritters but was instead handed hush puppies. Now as everyone knows hush puppies have those
little onion bits in them while the corn fritters’ sole purpose in life is to
be dipped in maple syrup. Well it seems
the combination of three day old grease and chocolate covered pork products
that she’d ingested along with this slight caused her to snap. The Nut Clubbers are very experienced with
this sort of thing. They’ve got her on
an IV of powdered sugar and chocolate sauce solution and she’s expected to make
a full recovery.”
The Decatur Staleys look to exit the fog against the Bugger
Wankers. The reclusive owner of the
Staleys was rumored to be suffering from a case of the swine-cough after his
recent visit to his spiritual advisor, Moo-shup-ork.
Bugger Wankers owner, Thurston Poppinjay XIV, was found at
his estate in Newburghshireham where he and the Lady Muffy were looking to
raise their team’s spirits. “With the
latest heart-breaking loss the lads are feeling a bit low. The Lady Muffy hit upon the idea of having
‘theme days’ at the office in an attempt to perk the lads up. She mulled over the idea of ‘Clown Day’ but
her clown wig was at the cleaners. She
finally settled on having everyone wear a fez, sort of a ‘Fez Friday’ if you
will. Now I’m not quite sure why
everyone else is walking around with those silly little square hats with
tassels, all I know is trying to keep a cat perched on your head is bloody near
impossible.”
-
Week 6
Week 6
The air is rife with vitriol as the League gears up for
‘Civil War’ week. The Commish is
considering a media blackout to prevent the expected spewing of venom this week
as four of the matchups feature owners battling their arch nemesis. There hasn’t been this much in-bred infighting
since the last Mullet gel two-fer-one sale at Walmart.
The Far East Engineers kick off the nastiness when they face
the hated Bugger Wankers. The Bugger
Wankers owner, Thurston Poppinjay XXIV, was found on his estate in
Newburghtonshireham where he and the Lady Muffy were preparing for this yearly
kerfuffle with their annual grassfest.
“The Muff-sters and I always like to commemorate a little Enjineer
butt-kicking with a tasteful lawn party.
And what better way to celebrate than with a little game of
Cricket? Of course those little buggers
are bloody hard to smack around with a bat since they’re so small and jump
around quite a bit. So this year we’ve
decided to modify the game to make it a bit easier. Anyone up for a jolly good game of Penquin?”
In the ExxonMobil Game of the week, the miraculously
top-ranked Polar IceCaps face their ecological doppleganger in the Deforested
Simian Lamers. IceCaps owner, Kristy,
was found at a Congressional inquiry where she was facing a bewildered group of
Senators trying to determine how the Hell a two loss team could be ranked above
two undefeated teams.
Defrosted owner, the other Kristy, was found at her team
compound putting her latest Eco-plan to work. “With more and more species
becoming extinct everyday something has to be done. I’ve noticed recently that many of these
endangered animals actually bear quite a resemblance to other more common ones
so I’ve started my own endangered species repopulation project. I mean what is
a Polar bear really? I can take a brown
bear, a little white dye and, voila, the world’s got one more Polar bear. Now if you’ll excuse me, the world could use
a few more Zebras, so I’ve got to go paint my ass.”
In this battle of Mediocrity the Phreaking Pathetic Pansies
face the toothless Ginormous Gouts. The
Gouts owner was found in his office scouring the ‘Compendium of Ferocious
Beasts’. “Obviously the recent poor
showing by the team is no reflection on the superior management of the club but
the on the loss of fearsomeness of the Gout name. I’m searching for a more
fearsome beast with which to strike fear into my opponents. I’ve heard tell of a large hairy, beastly,
bulging cave-dwelling creature that may just do the trick. It is rumored to be a relative of the dreaded
Chimsel with maybe even a little Ganarkle thrown in. I shudder to even think of what this foul
beast could do to a person with its drooling fangs of death. Many tales of woe are written of the hapless
traveler who fell into the clutches of the PRND1e.”
In the ‘Verizon Wireless So You’re Never Out of Touch’ Game
of the week, the Well-rested Ninjas face the comatose Eastside Hacks. The Ninjas owner, Meagan, is fresh of her
trip to the Muppet Symposium where she delivered the keynote address ‘Elmo –
Muppet or Just Another Puppet with a Hand up Their Ass?’. “You’d be surprised at the number of people
that aren’t clear on what a Muppet actually is.
It takes more than Jim Henson’s hand up your butt to make you a
Muppet. It takes years of training
before one can be named to one of the few, the proud, the Muppets. Do you think some giggling puppet could make
it through something like that? I’ve
even heard talk that Big Bird is a Muppet.
I shudder at the thought of some large beaked freak of nature
besmirching the Muppet name.”
In the Clash of the Titanic Heavyweights Hyperbole Bowl, the
undefeated Giant Peach faces the undefeated Flora Bears at the Thunderdome
where two men enter and one man leaves.
The Flora Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, was asked about his team’s
prospects for the upcoming game. “You’ve
got to be freaking kidding me. My
opponent’s a big damn fruit. I’ll roll
over them like I’ve done every other team in this god awful league. I mean where the Hell’s the competition this
year? I’m going to have this division
clinched by Halloween. I’ve been playing
teams where half their players on the beach sipping Mai-Tais and those are
their starters. The only thing I’m
trying to figure out is how are those damn IceCubes run by that green loon
ranked above the Monsters of the Mid(dle hall)Way?”
In the Mini-me Battle of the Pipsqueaks, the Decatur Staleys
face the evil Sinister P in a game overshadowed by the colossal battle one
paragraph above them. The Staleys are
coming off a heart-breaking loss in which their star receiver turned in one his
best performances ever. Unfortunately,
he was sitting on the bench at the time.
The reclusive Staleys owner could not be reached for comment as he’s
quarantined with a flare up of the Swine Cough.
His Evil-ness Sinister P is mired in a five-way battle of
mundane mediocrity in his division. Team
spokesman, Igor, had these comments, “This is the Master’s favorite time of
year. I’m sure he’s holed up in his lab
preparing to unleash something diabolically sinister. And as darkness falls
across the land and the midnight hour is close at hand. Creatures crawl in search of blood to
terrorize y’alls neighborhood. The
foulest stench is in the air, the funk of forty thousand years. And grizzly ghouls from every tomb are
closing in to seal your doom. And though
you fight to stay alive your body starts to shiver for no mere mortal can
resist the his evil-ness the Peach-er.”
-
Week 7
As we close out the first half of the season, the League is
turning out to be the poster child for mediocrity. The kind and benevolent League Commish at his recent State of the League Address
stated “at the pace we’re going I think this may be the first time in the long
and storied history of this League that every team finishes with a losing
record. Thank God for that deranged
genius ‘Mad Dog’ and his club. I don’t
know what it says about the rest of the owners when a certifiable lunatic is
coaching circles around them. And to top
it all off I've got a Beat reporter running amok about the League writing God
knows what every week. I've got an
entire Law firm on retainer just to head of any lawsuit that might result from his ‘journalism’. Jeez, I picked a hell of a year to quit
drinking.”
In the AMA Schizophrenic Game of the Week, the Decatur
Staleys look to be this week’s sacrificial lamb for the uber-powerful Flora
Bears. Bears coach , Mad Dog Hupp, had
this to say about his upcoming opponent.
“The Staleys? Are you freaking
kidding me? I can have my guys play with
their pants around their ankles and we’ll beat those clowns. Frankly I think their owner is past his
prime. I don’t know what the hell that
guy is thinking some times. I hear he
went off on a ‘Walk for Alzheimer’s’ this week and ended up getting lost in the
woods for three days.”
In other action, the suddenly slushy IceCaps hope to harden
up against the Ginormous Gouts. The
IceCaps frigid coach, Kristy, was found a bit short of funds. “With the team’s dwindling fortunes I’ve been
forced to find other ways of raising cash.
Alton Brown was kind enough to offer me a position preparing dishes on
‘Good Eats’. I’m excited to be able to
give him a hand, jobs are scarce nowadays you know. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to back in
the kitchen and get back to my stroganoff.”
In this race to the bottom, the Happy Ninjas face off
against the Phreaking Pathetic Pansies.
Head Ninja, Meagan, was found in the basement storage room. “Today is one of the specialest days of the
year. It ranks right up there with
Chinchilla Day in my book. Not only is
it Mole Day (10-23) but as an added bonus it’s also Slap Day, where teeing off
on those that annoy is perfectly acceptable.
So I’ve decided, why not combine the two? Now if you don’t mind could you hand me that
rubber hose, I’ve got a little Slap-a-Mole to play. Those nasty little varmints creep the heck
out of me.”
In the Bar Louie Game of the Week, the hoity-toity Bugger
Wankers take on his evil-ness Sinister P.
The owner of the Wankers, Thurston Poppinjay XXX, was found at his Newburghshiretonham-on-Avon
estate. “The Lady Muffy and I are
extremely pleased with the recent performance of our team, so to show our
gratitude we’ve deciding to take them all out to one of the Muff-sters and my
favorite activities. We’re all going
Ballroom dancing! You’d be surprised at
how light in the loafers I am as I shimmy across the floor doing the
Merengue. I really love the way my hips
get all a twitter when I do that dance.”
In the Afterthought Game of the Week, the Far East Engineers
face the Lakeside Hacks. The owner of
the Engineers, Mr. Mojito, was found at their headquarters, Tamagotchi Pikachu
Laboratories. “With this team’s recent
performance it is obvious that our head Enjineer, Dr. J, just isn’t getting the
job done. It seems more jenius-ness is
necessary so I’m bringing in James Johanson, a certified double ‘J’ super
jenius, to help this team turn things around.”
The Giant Peach tries to bounce back this week against the
suddenly hot Deforested Lamers. Giant Peach
owner, Mr. Big, traveled down South to the old homestead in search of some way
of getting his season back on track.
While there he met a man who was in a bind cause he was way behind and
was willin’ to make a deal. The man
jumped up on a hickory stump and said ‘boy let me tell you what. I bet you didn’t know it, but I’m a Fantasy
player too. And if you’d care to take a
dare, I’ll make a bet with you. Now you
play a pretty good Fantasy ball but give this devil his due. I’ll bet a trophy of gold against your soul,
cause I think I’m better than you.’ Well
my name’s Pat-ty and it might be a sin, but I’ll take your bet and you’re gonna
regret, cause I’m the best there’s ever been…<cue the fiddle>
I don’t know about you folks but this intrepid Beat reporter
doesn’t see this ending well.
-
Week 8
Week 8
It was a dark and stormy night, as this intrepid reporter
made his way through the marshy bogs of Drowsy Hollow in search of a story that
had spookiness and eeriness, in spades.
This week kicks off with the Far East Engineers facing the
surprisingly Pathetic Pansies who redefine pathetic-ness with each passing
week….
<Ba-ooowga, Ba-oowga>
We interrupt this preview for a special news report…
I’m here with the kind and benevolent Commish in the
League’s Level 4 Zombie Shelter where the Commish as just taken the League to a
DEFZOM 2 condition. The Commish issued
this statement, “I want to insure the other members of this League not able to
be housed in an appropriate Zombie shelter that there is nothing to fear. A DEFZOM 2 condition means that a Zombie
attack is highly probable but not necessarily imminent. An imminent attack would be a DEFZOM 1 and I
wouldn’t be standing here talking to this hack.
In the event of an attack, certain measures can be taken to insure your
safety. However, wrapping your head in
aluminum foil is not one of them. This
only makes your brain appear like a Cadbury egg and therefore more appealing to
a Zombie. The belief that a little holy
water is a defense is also misguided.
This only annoys the Zombie, plus nothing smells worse than a wet
Zombie. The use of salt to stop a Zombie
is also not suggested. It seems recent
studies by the AZA (American Zombieological Association) have found that
although salt does pose a greater risk of hypertension in Zombies, diet and
exercise have been found to be effective in reducing this risk. There are a few methods for defeating a
Zombie attack. Of course there is the
tried and true method of a flame thrower which serves to both fry the Zombie
and give you the perfect opportunity to roast a few smores. Since not everyone has a flame thrower,
another option is to hang out with a group of slow, fat friends. While this may be a bit more of ‘Darwinian’ defense mechanism it never hurts
to hit the ground running, so to speak, when it comes to Zombie attacks. And if all else fails a trusty Zombie poker
is a sure means of protection. Good luck
and good hunting.”
After last week’s close call, the Flora Bears look to give a
good old American beat down to the Bugger Wankers. Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, was found at his
favorite watering hole where he had these comments on the upcoming
matchup. “What the Hell is all this talk
about a Zombie Apocalypse? I’ve seen
some of these so called Zombies. Hell,
they don’t look much worse than some of the women I’ve taking home after a few
too many drinks. How hard could it be to
kill these bastards? Have you seen how
slow they move? All you’ve got to do is
slap’em with a steak and shove some salt up their ass, or is it garlic. Hell I can’t remember, but damn I’m getting
hungry.”
The owner of the Bugger Wankers, Thurston Poppinjay DCLXVI,
was traipsing through the moors of Newburghtonshireham. “The Lady Muff-sters and I had just been walkin’
through the streets of Soho in the rain, looking’ for a place called Lee Ho
Fooks, we were gonna get a big dish of beef chow mein. We heard about a hairy, hairy gent, who ran
amok in Kent. Lately he’s been overheard
in Mayfair. We heard him howlin’ around
the kitchen door. It seems a little old
lady got mutilated last night. I’m
afraid it was the dreaded were-Chimsels of London again. <aah-ooh> The
were-Chimsels of London.”
A disappointed Decatur Staleys faces the Deforested Simian
Lamers this week. Defoilaged owner,
Kristy, was found on her way to the team headquarters in Duma Key. “Damn I’ve got Insomnia so here it is, Four
Past Midnight, on the Night Shift and I can’t even find a parking space. I had to park all the way over in Salem’s Lot. I’ve got a ton of crap to carry so in a fit
of Desperation I tried calling the office for help on my Cell, there is always
at least a Skeleton Crew around, but it
appears I’m in a Dead Zone. So I figured
I’d have to Carrie It all myself. Lucky
for me I ran into Christine and Dolores Claiborne who offered to give me a hand
or I would have been in complete Misery.
Now to top it all off, it seems the Storm of the Century has knocked out
the power so I’ve got to walk up the Six Stories in this Dark Tower to get to
my office. Well I can’t Stand here all
night. I’ve got to drag this old Bag of
Bones upstairs and get to work. I just
hope I can get a Firestartered to make some heat.”
In other action, the Big Peach looks to schnapp the
Ginormous Gouts. Neither hide nor
well-coiffed hair as been seen of the jet-setting playboy owner of the Peaches,
Mr. Big, lately. Recent reports have
placed him in the French Quarter of Hoity-toity-ville writing his memoirs and
attempting to drink his way around the world.
The Happy Ninjas face a Polar Slushies team that is rapidly
melting away. The head Happy Ninja,
Meagan, was found scurrying about her team headquarters. “This is a busy time of year here at the
Happy Ninja Hideaway. The team’s big
Halloween Bash is coming up and I’ve got to get all the food made. I’m busier than a Rhodadinian Shoe Gnome, you
know those pinkish, almost lavender really, creatures that are forced to toil
unappreciated in filth and mire for little or no pay to keep the wheels of
commerce moving while their uberlords reside in their sanitized Swine flu free
palaces and reap the benefits. Now if
you’ll excuse me, the party’s tonight and I’ve still got to get the Grivory
soup made and put the Phuckenturkey in the oven.”
The Eastside Hacks and Sinister P, two teams sliding their
way into oblivion face off in this can’t watch classic. His evil-ness, Sinister P was found high atop
Castle Peachenstein preparing another of his dastardly plans. “I’ve been mocked for the last time. I’m a scientist dammit
<ba-wa-hahahah>. I’m calling on
Zuul and all the minions of Gozer, Gozer was very big in Samaria, you know, to
help me rain destruction down upon this League. I’m talking a disaster of biblical
proportions. Fire and brimstone raining
from the skies. Forty years of Darkness,
the dead rising from the graves! Human
sacrifices, dogs and cats living together!
Mass hysteria! Real wrath of God
type of stuff. Prepare yourselves, for
I’ve conjured up no less than the foulest, most putrescent of fluffy sugary
evil-ness Yes that’s right, the Stay
Puft Marshmellow Man. No puny little
poker –stick is going to protect you from this foul creation.
<ba-wa-hahahah>”
-
Week 9
As the League heads into the home stretch of the season, it
seems to be a two horse race for the Championship. The rest of the old nags in this League
should be shipped off to the glue factory.
The juggernaut Flora Bears look to face little opposition
this week in their march to immortality when they face the helpless Hacks. Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, had these comments
on the upcoming game. “I give up! I’m done just about all I can to make games
competitive this year. I let an
opponent’s runningback hang over 50 points on me in an attempt to make a game
of it and he can’t even manage to find a quarterback to start the game. I’ve got my bags packed and I’m off to
Tijuana for a month for a well deserved rest.
All I need is one more victory to wrap up this division and I play the
Hacks this week so I thought I’d get an early start on my vacation.”
In other action the Giant Peach take on the Happy
Ninjas. Peach owner, Mr. Big, was found
at the US Patent Office where he was looking to register his latest
moneymaker. “I’ve finally hit it big
with this one. My latest brainchild will
revolutionize the world. I’ll rank right
up there with Edison, Bell and Crapper.
I was dreading another meal of cold leftovers for dinner when I set my
meal in front of the window as I made up my evening aperitif. Well one lead to another and by the time I’d
stumbled back to my dinner it was piping hot.
Near as I can figure the sun streaming through the window actually
heated up my dinner. I know this is hard
to believe but I believe that this use of heat over a specified length of time
offers a dramatic improvement in my food’s performance. This could revolutionize the food
industry. I thought of keeping this
discovery to myself, but I figure the world will be a better place, not to
mention the money I’ll make, if I share this discovery. I’m a lock for the Nobel prize in Culinary
Arts this year.”
The Bugger Wankers look to rebound from their heartbreaking
defeat against the Deforested Lamers.
Denuded owner, Kristy, was found in her cluttered team
headquarters. “As any good eco-nerd can
tell you, the central tenet to environmentalism is to Reduce, Reuse and
Recycle. I’m hoping my new business will
help to advance this cause. I’m asking
that anyone with an old bike to please ride it in. I’ll then use my Illudium PU-36 Space
Modulator to shrink in down in size.
Once complete I’ll give it to anyone else interested in using this as
their conveyance. Thus I’ll have
accomplished my goal of Reducing, Reusing and Recycling.”
The Far East Enginners, coming off an embarrassing loss,
face the Polar Slushies. A Slushy Kristy
was found at her Arctic team headquarters.
“It’s an exciting time here in the Tundra. My team scientists have made a surprising
discovery. A long thought extinct
creature has resurfaced lately. A
fearsome enemy of the Chimsel, this creature
may have looked like a fluffy housecat, albeit with long sharp teeth and a
spiked tail. It possessed marsupial like
quickness that allowed it to compete with the Chimsel. I never thought I’d live to see the day that
the Cataphoresis would reappear in the wild.”
A surprisingly resurgent Decatur Staleys face the fangless
Ginormous Gouts. Rumors of a League
investigation into the use of performance enhancers is dogging the reclusive
owner of the Staleys. Team spokesman,
Smiling Bob, had these comments, “The Staleys recent resurgence has nothing to
do with the use of any illegal substances.
The sudden increase in scoring can be attributed to the natural
enhancement of our team’s equipment.
This has endowed them with a big boost in confidence and a little more
self esteem.”
In the final game of the week his Evil-ness Sinister P takes
on the Pathetic Pansies. Following a
settlement with fans that viewing this game constitutes ‘cruel and unusual
punishment’, the League has thankfully agreed to a blackout of all coverage of
this game.
-
Director's Cut Playoff Recap:
Director's Cut Playoff Recap:
(The Director's Cut is never before seen footage direct
from the cutting room floor, where it probably should have stayed, and straight
to a PC near you in stunning Avatar-ish 3D.
Providing, of course, you've got your 3D glasses.)
When we last checked, the League was just hitting the home
stretch and the stench of mediocrity had enveloped the League. Our intrepid beat reporter was heading off on
a much needed respite, where he was going to fulfill a life long quest in
search of one of the renowned 'Golden Gouts of Antioch', of which only five
...(three, Sire)..., three are known to exist.
Alas, his quest was cut short as he was led to the dreaded Castle
Anthrax where he fell into the comely clutches of the 82 virgins which reside
there. After numerous half-hearted
attempts at escape and innumerable spankings, our intrepid dead tired reporter has
returned in time to offer this Playoff recap.
The opening round of the Playoffs featured the top-seeded
Flora Bears facing off against the truly Pathethic Pansies. Feared Bears coach, Mad Dog Hupp, had this to
say after their epic beatdown.
'Phreaking Pathetic Pansies is more like it, Who the Hell coached that piece of cow dung
team? I had two players out score their
entire team. All it takes is a little
phreaking motivation. A little Icy Hot
in their jock straps and you'll see some motivated players.'
In other action, the owner of the Far East Engineers was
seen beating himself with his easy victory over the Bugger Wankers. The Giant Peach mercifully put Meagan and her
Hapless Ninjas to rest. The Polar Slushies,
and their frigid owner Kristy, put down the fangless Gouts.
The semifinal round featured the Far East Engineers upset of
The Giant Peach whose owner, Mr. Big, was last seen heading to the local French
Quarter with his dreams of Fantasy glory dashed. In the other matchup, the Polar Slushies
pulled off a monumental upset by putting the Bears on the Endangered Species
list. Frigid owner, Kristy, was found at
her Arctic Circle compound basking in the glow of her victory. 'Actually that's not my victory glow but the
Areola Borealis. You see that sometimes
when you're up this far North. It can
get pretty cold up here you know.'
The Fantasy Bowl featured the improbable match-up between
the upstart Far East Engineers in their inaugural season and the rapidly
freezing Polar Slushies. When the ice chips had cleared the Polar Slushies sat
atop the Fantasy World. Far East
Engineer's Chief Enjineer, Dr. J, was found at the team lab after the game
making tweaks to his Fourier transform inverse algorithm Transmogrifier with a
large hammer. 'It's obvious the Fourier
transform algorithm isn't powerful enough.
Next year this League will fall like a limp noodle when I hit them with
my new Raman modified Fourier Transmogrifier.'
Meanwhile at a jubilant Slushies headquarters, 'this victory has
solidified the Slushies atop the World and should put all those nasty Global
Warming rumors to rest. We're entering
an Ice Age where the Polar IceCaps will rule!'
-
No comments:
Post a Comment