Week five dawns crisp and clear with
summer slowly easing its way into fall, the leaves beginning to turn, squirrels
playing with their nuts and that very familiar aroma wafting from the West side
of town. All of which can mean only one
thing. The wind is blowing from the
direction of the combined sewer overflow at Bee Slough, but also that one week
of the year which Heart Doctors abhor and the rest of us crave is finally
here. With Fall Festival week upon
us, this intrepid reporter finds himself along West Franklin looking for that
ever elusive deep-fried yogurt on a stick and making the rounds of the League’s
owners as they man their respective booths.
The slumping Sunday Sorta Smart Guys look to bounce back
this week when they face the surging BALLAZ.
The coach of the Smart Guys, Justin was found at his booth #78. ‘This team has imploded like a big freeking
Meat Wad Inferno. Have you seen my Power
Ranking? Sixth! If I drop any lower they may relegate me to
the Fantasy Minors. I hear there is some
hot new prospect in Brazil that the League is just itching to call up. The kid supposedly has some mad Fantasy
skills. He’s already going by only one
name, the Noob, just like all those Brazilian superstars. I may not get another chance, Hell, I’m
staring down 30. I’ve only got a little
time left before I’m over the Fantasy hill.
If I don’t bring home a Championship this year I may be through. I don’t want to be one of these 40 year old guys
sitting in their cubicle pining for his Fantasy Glory Days.’
The BALLAZ owner, Biggie Small, was found at booth #70 where
he has some of his girls from his club, HOTTENTOTZ, working it. ‘I BROUGHT ALONG MY GIRLS, THE HOTTEEZ, TO
HELP DRUM UP SOME BUSINESS. I’VE GOT
THEM COOKING UP SOME OF MY FAVORITES.
WE’VE GOT CAKE BALLZ, QUEZDILLAZ, CHEEZECAKE, MOSSARELLA STICKZ, AND
EVEN Z’MOREZ. MAKE SURE YOU STOP BY AND
PICK UP YOUR FAVORITE.’
In a battle of two League heavyweights, the Recently
Returned from the Far East Engineers square off against DaCards! The Engineer’s Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, was
found at booth #15. ‘It is certainly good to be back home. I spent two weeks in China having to eat
meals made up of things like duck tongue.
You would not believe what I had to swallow when I ate out in Putang. Luckily I’m able to finally eat some normal
food like Pigeon Poo, Pig Snorts, Pork Butt, Muddy Pigs or Puppy Chow.’
DaCards! owner was found down on West Franklin reliving a
bit of his youth. ‘I was just thinking
of the days when I ran with one of the baddest street gangs around. My buddies and I ran with the F-Street
Flautas. Nobody messed with us on our
turf down here. There was ‘Pronto Pup’
Pete, now he was always quick with a joke or to light up your smoke. Then there were the twins ‘Monster Ear’ Mike
and ‘Elephant Ear’ Earl. You wouldn’t
believe the size of the appendages on those guys. You shoulda seen the size of Earl’s trunk, if
you know what I mean. Of course, I can’t
forget ‘Beignet’ Bennie. He was a real
wannabe ladies’ man always trying to spout off French phrases. Those certainly were some good times,’ said
gang leader, Icky Licky Ricky.
The Solar Sunshine look to get their season back on track as
they take on the Glee-ful Ninjas. The
coach of the Sunshine, the sugary Susie Soleil, was found at booth #90. ‘We count on this booth to be a big
moneymaker for us every year so I’ve asked my PR team to come up with some
advertising that will be sure to get some attention. I’d wanted to sell a pork sandwich, but I was
a little uneasy with the ad campaign they came up with. I just didn’t think ‘come wrap your mouth
around my tenderloins’ would go over well. I mean it is a family friendly atmosphere. So my second choice was to go with a tasty
dessert item that is always a favorite.
Who could resist a little creamy goodness all covered in chocolate? So come on down and take a lick of my Little
Slice of Heaven.’
The owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at booth #69,
where she was preparing to film another segment of that internet sensation, ‘My
Drunk Fantasy’. ‘I’ve been coming down
here for years and I’ve sampled just about everything, but I’ve always thought
there was something missing. You know
they’ve deep-fried Coke and Pepsi.
They’ve even deep-fried Kool-Aid, but somehow they’ve missed out on the
one thing that I’m sure would be the biggest draw ever. I mean we’re on the Westside here people. What the Hell is it that you never see one of
these Westsiders without? That’s right;
I’m talking about deep-fried beer! I
mean it’s one of the main freeking food groups around here. You’d have people lined up for miles. Frederick!
Get me an Apple Jack!’
The final matchup features the mighty Pansies taking on the
Little Rascals. The coach of the
Rascals, Ashley, was found at booth #4 where she was found partaking in a
little Lunchie Munchie. ‘With all the
trouble down here lately, the Nut Club decided they needed a little extra
security so they came to me. They have
me walking the beat in their biggest trouble spot. I’m loaded for bear down here. I’ve got my Beat-Down 300 Tactical Assault
flashlight. And you know I’m never far
from my trusty Taser, which is lucky for me too because I’ve already had to
whip the ol’ taser out once already.
There was some little punk stirring up some trouble. It seems she wanted to take another ride on
the Kiddie Kars without ponying up another ticket. Well that shit don’t fly when Ashley’s on the
job and I tazed that little gangsta’s ass.
Hell, I bet she’ll be wetting the bed for a week.’
The owner of the Pansies was found at booth #11. ‘Before our old pal Sinister P left the
League last year he was kind enough to sell the rights to his fowl enterprise over
to the League. Each year everyone looked forward to seeing what new hideous yet
delicious delicacy would come out of his diabolical kitchen. And while his signature dish never fails to
please, this year we’ve decided it needed a new twist. Now you can’t go wrong when you add a little
bacon to any dish, and what would a Fall Festival morsel be if it weren’t
dipped in some chocolate and stuck on a stick.
So make sure you hurry on down to our booth and pick up your Mudder
Phucken Pig in a Poke.’
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