As we march deeper into November, the Playoffs loom larger
and larger and the pressure ratchets up.
So in order to help ease the pressure, your intrepid reporter would like
to offer up a little joke:
A Leprechaun is walking past a construction site when he’s
approached by the big burly foreman. The
foreman says, ‘Hey Leprechaun, you grant wishes don’t you?’ To which the Leprechaun replies, ‘Faith and
Begorrah, what kind of wee folk would I be if I didn’t grant a wish?’ So the foreman says…
We interrupt this Newsletter to bring you an Emergency Alert
message from the Commish.
‘This
is not a test; this is an actual Fantasy Emergency. Last week’s games were a pathetic attempt at
Fantasy competition. With only four
weeks left in the season everyone is still in contention for the Playoffs. However, it appears some teams have already
started their off-season. There needs to
be some serious Fantasizing going on this week and not that weak ass scoring
that went on last week. This League was
designed to be Offensive. There’s no fun
in some low scoring defensive battle. If
there isn’t more Offensive-ness this week I’ll be forced to step in and take
matters into my own hands. If I have to
pull over and stop this League, I will, and you’ll be sorry.’
We now return to your regularly scheduled Newsletter.
…and the last we see of the Leprechaun he’s walking off with
a goat as he looks back at a midget in a hard hat. You get it?
I love that joke. And now on to
this week’s action.
Our first match-up this week features two teams mired in
mediocrity with the Savants squaring off against the Engineers. The coach of the Savants, Justin, was found
at his team training complex. ‘Even with
the daily triathlon and weight training, try as I might I still can’t manage to
get my body fat out of the ‘super-naturally fit’ category and into
‘God-like’. Recently, I’ve been turned
on to a new work-out craze, fart-licks.
I know, I was a bit skeptical at first, but I’ve been told it works
wonders. I’ve been using this method
during my work outs this past week and I must admit it has left a bad taste in
my mouth. I’m not quite sure what those
Swedes were thinking when they came up with this. What was that? It isn’t fart-licks. It’s Fartlek. Oh jeez, somebody get me some mouthwash.’
Meanwhile over at the Engineer’s Advanced Research Facility,
the Head Engineer, Dr. Phil, is hard at work on his next project. ‘Toiling away in the lab every week coming up
with the latest in cutting edge technology is hard work. So every once in a while I like to get away
from it all and recharge my batteries, so to speak. In fact I spent the past week deep in the
Brazilian jungle with my good pal Sparky looking for the ever elusive
Big-boobied, bare-breasted tittysapien, a very rare species. Anything for the advancement of science, you
know. Due to the remoteness of the
search, I was unable to hook up to a power grid. As a consequence, I was without the trappings
of modern civilization, mainly a wireless connection and cold beer. This would explain my sitting a QB in the
midst of one of the greatest seasons of all time and starting a crippled
WR. To insure this never happens again,
I’ve been working on an environmentally friendly, renewable, highly portable
energy supply. With my new ‘cavia porcellus’
generator, I’ll never have to drink a warm beer again.’
Our next match-up features some hot girl-on-girl action as
the Glee-ful Ninjas look to lick the Little Rascals. The coach of the Little Rascals, Ashley, was
found patrolling the streets of Rockport.
‘Being a public servant is a thankless task, why just the other day I
pulled some joker over and he said ‘since he was a taxpayer that I actually
work for him, so I should go get him a glass of water.’ Can you believe the nerve? One blow to his kidneys with my tactical
assault flashlight wiped the smile right off his face though. Even with the thanklessness there are some
perks that come with the job. For
instance, Wednesday is ‘Taze a Transient Day’, it’s just one way we keep Rockport
a peaceful little burg. You don’t want
those lazy bums to get too comfortable around town. A couple of zaps gets them moving right on
through town to Reo.’
Meanwhile the Ninjas owner, Meagan, was found making her way
to a Bob Seger concert. ‘I hope You’ll Accomp’ny Me down to Mainstreet and the Ford Center. I don’t know why anyone would build an Arena
downtown. It feels like I’ve had to walk
from Katmandu, Against the Wind, the
whole way. Maybe if I had something with
a Fire Inside or The Fire Down Below I wouldn’t freeze to death, oh well, C’est La Vie. We’ll probably fall victim
to some Shakedown by a mugger’s Night Moves and you’ll have to Roll Me Away to the nearest hospital
anyway. If only I had something for
protection Like a Rock then I’d be Satified I would live to see Tomorrow. It’s my Understanding
that In Your Time this was
popular music, but it seems like Old Time Rock and Roll to
me. I’d just like to forget this whole
night but Chances Are I’ll still
remember this Tomorrow because Rock and Roll Never Forgets.’
The Darkness who looks to have gotten things turned around goes
up against DaBears! The owner of
DaBears!, Rick, was found hiding under his desk. ‘I must say that bringing back the most
fearsome coach to ever prowl the sidelines sounded like a good idea at the
time. And while I’m not complaining
about the three game winning streak or the #1 ranking in the Power poll I’m not
quite sure I’m ready to buy into Mad Dog’s brand of football. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not talking about
his hard-nosed style of play. I’m
talking about the fact that he’s running around the compound with a freeking
branding iron putting his mark on everybody.’
Meanwhile, the owner of the Darkness, Kristy, was found at a
fundraiser for her favorite charity. ‘As
an animal lover I like to do what I can to help with the cat overpopulation
problem. While there are programs like
the Neuter Scooter which strive
to control the stray cat problem through spay and neutering, we find the image
of a knife wielding motorcycle gang a bit disturbing when thinking about the
fate of those cute little furballs. So
here at the SPCA, Suckers for Pussy Cat Adorations,
we use a different approach to the stray cat problem. We’ve found that education and access to
inexpensive means of birth control will lead to the stray cats making informed
decisions concerning their reproductive habits and release them back into the
wild. Oh, who am I kidding? How can you let something as cute as Miss
Pickles live outside? She’s so FLUFFY!’
The BALLAZ try to reverse their slide into oblivion when
they meet the Mighty Pansies. The owner
of the BALLAZ, Biggie Small, was found at his club, HOTTENTOTZ, where the
headline act is Zamfir. ‘This
season has certainly taking a turn for the worse. I mean how can you lose to a team that has
‘Dismal’ in their freeking name? It has
gotten so bad that I can’t even get any decent acts to come perform at my
club. I’ve had to settle for some freak
with a pan flute. And even then I had to
agree to buy 100 copies of his album. And
what the Hell is pan flute anyway? It
doesn’t look anything like a pan for crissakes.
Jeez, I need a drink.’
Meanwhile the owner of the Pansies was trying to figure out
his next move after his disappointing showing in the recent Mayoral
election. ‘Looking back, I guess pinning
one’s hopes on a write-in campaign in a city with a failing school system it
might have been just a bit too optimistic to think that the electorate could
actually spell. It may all be for the
best anyway. I’ve decided to set my
sights on an even higher office. No, not
Pope. Although the thought of having
unlimited access to all those ‘Pope Bucks’ is quite appealing, I was thinking
of the office of President. I mean have
you seen the clowns that are running? It
seems all you have to do is come up with the most outlandish idea you can think
of and you shoot to the top of the polls.
And while I’ve been known to come up with a few wild ideas in my time I
may have to work to compete. I mean, one
candidate swears all she has to do is wave her magic wand or some such thing
and we’ll have two dollar gas again. Hell, one guy has even made sexual
harassment into an effective fund raising scheme. If going around groping co-workers is all
that it takes I think I’ll start ‘campaigning’ next week.’
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