Week 3 of the Fantasy Season dawns crisp and clear with a
nipple in the air. ‘Nipple’ did I say
‘nipple’? I meant nip in the air. This topsy-turvy Season has been full of
surprises so far, as traditional Fantasy powers have been left to suckle at the
teat of defeat whilst perennial also-rans bask in the glow of new found
glory. But never let it be said that
this intrepid beat reporter has failed to keep his loyal readers a breast of all
the happenings in our fair League. With
that said, let’s see how the teams are preparing for this week’s action.
Our first match-up features the once proud franchise, Sunday
Smarty Parts nee Savants, as the square off against the League leading Far East
Engineers. The Engineer’s Chief
Engineer, Dr. Phil, was found at their top secret Fantasy Research facility,
‘Most people scoffed when I sent my Draftbot 3000 to draft this team as they
didn’t believe a successful team could be assembled without a human. Now after spending the off-season perfecting
my latest Fantasy Algorithmic Research Technique, FART, I should be able to
turn the entire running of my team over to computer control. Thus, enabling me to begin training for my
next athletic endeavor, participating in the Pandora Unobtainium Triathlon.’
The coach of the Smarty Pants, Justin, was found at his
team’s training facility preparing his team’s pre-game meal, ‘I don’t know what
is wrong with my team this year. It is
well documented that peak athletic performance can be achieved only in
conjunction with healthy eating habits.
So I spent the entire off-season concocting the perfect Smoothie to
supplement my team’s performance. Now
anyone can blend a few delicious fruits and nutritious nuts with that, oh so
pleasing nectar of the Gods, yogurt and make an edible Smoothie. However, I knew that for my team to reach the
next level I’d have to take my Smoothie up a notch. You just wait, when this year is all done and
my team sits atop the Fantasy World it’ll all be due to my Spinach Horseradish
Ginseng Pomegranate Nutmeg Acai Lima bean Smoothie. It makes your mouth water just thinking about
it.’
In
the Girls Gone Wild match-up of the week, the always fluffy Alpaca Herders take
on the unluckiest team in the League, Glee-ful Ninjas. Coming off two consecutive one point losses
the can’t-buy-a-break owner of the Ninjas, Meagan, was found at a layover at
some anonymous airport in the middle of her whirlwind tour of the East
coast. ‘I guess, looking back on it, the
decision to use a caricature of the Prophet Mohammed in a Happy Ninja costume
as the cover of our Media Guide may not have been the wisest decision, but
what’s done is done. As a result I’ve
had to keep moving these last few days to stay one step ahead of the Iranian
Hit Squads that have been unleashed. Of
course, they’ll be in for a rude surprise if they happen to catch up with
me. I’ve got my own little secret weapon
traveling with me; those Hit Squads won’t stand a chance against my chief of
security, she’s a stiletto-heeled pygmy that won’t hesitate to put one of those
pointy-toed shoes of hers a foot up your arse.
She’s one tough mudder. And
because she fits into my carry-on baggage I never leave home without her.’
The owner of the Alpaca Herders, Ashley, was found at her
Rockport Alpaca Foundry where she was preparing for the upcoming shearing. ‘As many of you already know, I will soon be
leaving to take a position at my families Alpaca Foundry. I have enjoyed the past years I’ve spent with
my non-fluffy co-workers, but the foundring of Alpacas runs strong in my family
and the call of the Alpaca was just too much.
I’ll miss you all and to show how much I appreciate everyone I promise
to make my world famous Dump Cake before I leave so that you’ll have something
to remember me by.’
In this early season Battle of Futility, the thoroughly
pathetic, highly disappointing, down-right loathsome Pansies face possibly
their only shot at victory this season as they face the not quite as pathetic
but still pretty bad ballaz. The owner
of the ballaz, Biggie Small, was again found down on the Boardwalk. ‘My last go around with the food vending
business didn’t go over quite like I’d wanted so this time I’ve enlisted my
brother Harold to help me out. He
pointed out that nothing goes better with a walk along the Boardwalk than a
nice steaming bag of roasted peanuts. In
honor of his wonderful idea I decided to name the product after him. Now sales have been a little slow to start,
but I’m sure they’ll pick up as word gets around. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back
to work. NUT SACKS, GET YOUR HARRY NUT
SACK HERE!’
The owner of the Pansies, Barry O’Bama, was found at Big
Momma’s House preparing for the latest hostile takeover attempt. ‘It seems like every four years someone gets
the idea that they can take the reins of leadership away from me. I don’t know who this Mittford Wellington
Romneyham IV is, but he’ll find I won’t go down without a fight. Not just anyone can run a successful Fantasy
franchise. I mean have you heard his
latest take on Fantasy players. He feels that 47% of all eligible Fantasy
players are non-contributing members to the League, that they’re only hanging
around the waiver wire hoping to latch on to some team and be carried to a
Fantasy Championship. He doesn’t realize
that these so called non-contributors are the Kickers and the back-up
runningbacks of the League who if only given a chance can help your team just
like the star QB. Well okay, maybe not
Kickers those guys really are leeches.’
In the feature Game of the Week, DaBears! take on the Tilted
Kilts. The owner of DaBears!, Rick, was
found at his team headquarters Halas Hall. ‘I got tired of this team always
being a doormat in this League, which is why I brought in a new coach in charge
of Morale and Motivation, Gregg Williams.
It seems he is on leave from his previous job because of some
questionable methods, however, I think his methods were just
misunderstood. I’ll let him explain them
to you himself, ‘I’ve found that payers will do just about anything with the
proper, shall we say, financial inducement.
Some guys offer bounties….I mean …financial inducements for injuring star
performers on the opposing team. Now I
would never want to encourage the injuring of another player, however, if you
were somehow able to dissuade an opposing player from performing at his peak I
would be inclined to offer a bit of inducement.
Of course that inducement might be a bit larger if the forms of
dissuasion involved say a golf cart and a backboard.’
Meanwhile, at the headquarters of the Tilted Kilts, their
suddenly hot owner, Kristy, explained the reasoning behind the team’s name
change. ‘Have you seen who owns the
other teams in my division? That’s
right, men. Now how am I supposed to
compete against clearly superior opponents if not by using my feminine wiles? And while being all cute and cuddly, pequins,
just don’t garner a man’s attention. Of
course, we all know the one…or should I say two things that will distract any
man, so I decided to structure my team’s staff with
that in mind. I think the results from
the first two weeks speak for themselves.
I mean, the Pansies didn’t even know what hit them. They spent the entire game trying to figure
out if in the event of a water landing my staff could be used as a flotation
device. And the ballaz, it is difficult
to catch a pass if you don’t raise your eyes above chest
level. As for this week’s opponents,
DaBears!, I’d just like to leave them with this one thought, nothing comes between my girls and their
Kilts, nothing at all.’ 
No comments:
Post a Comment